Hearing the screams of the dying, the living calling to their friends, and every sound in between. The vampire massacre was horrible .The government could not stop the beasts. So I vowed that I would. My name is Chelsea Groves.
When I was six, my mother was killed by these horrible beasts, from that day on I had vowed to never give into mercy on these blood sucking creatures. With the horrible screams came the sound of ripping flesh.
Sounds that the dying didn’t wish to hear before they were slowly killed by lack of blood. I despised these sounds.
But even though, I still risked everything just to kill these monsters. If you’ve ever killed a vampire, you should know how messy it is. I mean, they may have no functioning body parts but they still can spill the guts. Coming home one day I caught a whiff of a really bad smell. Like blood mixed with bleach.
A stench that not even I could stand. I had a knife up my sleeve and I had some things in my bag. But if these vampires were the ones I was thinking of these weapons of mine stood no chance.
I decided that, no matter how much I wanted to kill those people…..I mean those leeches, I just couldn’t take them with only a knife and some rope.
I heard an ear piercing screech that practically shattered my brain. I fought the want to go kill whatever was feasting on a poor individual. I wanted to hunt the hunter and save the hunted.
I felt so responsible for whoever was dying. After hearing so much screaming I ran home, slammed my bedroom door and flopped on my bed. You can’t imagine how much strength it took to not grab supplies and go to the dying person or people.
When I finally relaxed, I went down stairs to grab a bottle of water. My little sister Annabelle was waiting for me. “We have a serious problem”. She told me. “Daddy decided that we didn’t want him with us. He left”.
As I heard those words come out of my sisters’ mouth I realized that maybe that scream I heard was my fathers. I shuddered at the thought. “I’ll think of something after school”, I told her. She just nodded and went to sit on our couch. As I left I could swear I heard her crying. I felt hurt and betrayed right now.
It never occurred to me that she feels the same way. So I just shook of that feeling. As I walked to school my best friend Amy came up to me.
” Okay…..So let’s say a really cute guy asked you to the formal, what would you say to him?” I thought long and hard for a minute.
” Depends, but Amy , whose is going to ask me?” I stared her down.”Well, he asked me not to say but…..Chris!” She said enthusiastically. I practically fell down.”Chris?” I asked stupidly. Her head shook like one of those crazy bobble head dolls.
I looked around us. No one, I thought to myself, where was everyone?” Okay, so what were you planning to wear to the formal? I’m going to wear a really cute dress I got from Hot Topic.” I laughed, Amy was practically obsessed with that place.
“Amy you really are obsessed with that store”. I told her. She shook her head. “I am not! I just happen to go there every day”. I laughed again. “Crazy!” I said, she laughed to.
Next thing I know my school crush Chris walks over. “Hey Chelsea I need to ask you something.” He told me. Amy looked at me with an evil gleam in her eyes. “ I’ll leave you two alone”.
She started to back away but when she saw my eyes she knew I wanted to strangle her. So yeah she ran faster than when there’s a sale on high heel boots at Macy's.
“ So I had wanted to ask you to the formal….But I’ve decided there should be one less of you hunter freaks.”
And of course with him saying that his eyes go black as night and fangs pop out. But next thing i know i feel my neck pierced by the metallic like fangs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Well I definately liked it I it had a good topic but, I got confused because your main character was hearing the screams of the dying and the vampires and all that.Then she goes to school which kinda confused me because first she was talking about the smell of death and these beasts that were killing people.And some how a midst all the death and dying her school some how planned a dance. also you should be more descriptive with what your character is seeing that way the reader can really se through the charactrs eyes
i thinnk its a good story although you may have some revising but everyone is gonna have to rewrite and go over stuff again its jst part of the process
I feel as if these is the best paragraph in the chapter as it described the creatures well. However don't be afraid to use a thesaurus to replace common words such as 'horrible'.
This paragraph was described really well and really set the scene in the story, even if it was a bit rushed!
Which vampires were you thinking of? You haven't detailed the types of vampires yet in the story, and, even if you are about do this it can still lead to confusion.
Personally, I hate using '...' in stories it seems childish and immature but that might just be me being picky.
The last sentence in this paragraph is really clever although don't use to much of these later in the story as it can become tacky and annoying.
Again, use a thesuarus to replace words such as 'screaming' and 'run'.
THESAURUS!!!
Don't be afraid to split up the sentences to create more paragraphs and then add more to them to create more detailed paragraphs which make sense.
It all seems very rushed. You don't show any emotion even though you believe that you're father just died! You to describe the what the character feels on the inside as well as what the see on the outside if you want the reader to feel and continue reading this story.
It all seems a bit tedious that even though people are being killed by vampires you still go to school everyday and talk to your friends about 'the formal'. Again, you need to show some more emotion.
Good use of description in that last phrase.
Here you should use more description in what the sensation of being bitten is like. It's also very cheesy when he says 'But I've decided there should be one less of you hunter freaks' and it did actually make me laugh, which, forgive me if I'm wrong but I'm sure this wasn't your intention.
Overall, I think that you have began the story well and I do want to read on but remember to include simple things like correct grammar, varying your punctuation and building on descriptions to make your stories more exciting. Well done.
I kind of rushed this so I'm sorry if they're a few mistakes.
I am a little confused, overall, interesting, but maybe be more imaginative. DONT USE VAMPIRES! Its a very cult thing. You hate them or you love them. Try to think up something never done before!
Really bothers me and stuck out, be sure to fix that.
Setting? I was a bit confused at the end. How was she then at school, what about here dad? What is the world like? A semi-apocalyptic time period might work. Say, you have a lot of cities surviving, all nice and modern like ours. But, never go out into the wilderness! That creature lurks there! Also, in the beginning, try to actually describe the massacre. When, where, how?
For your creature, it should be agile and stealthy. Make it able to scale walls and run fast. It should be able to speed around and evade people, allowing them to do things like massacres.
For your character, why is she carrying a knife? And I really doubt a six year old could kill, let along even think without a survival instinct of running/crying kicking in. I know it is hard to do a story with a character older than yourself, but maybe make your character 15 or so. Ask a friend, I assume you're in 7/8/9 grade, about what being there might affect your story, it really wont, unless you have the school aspect, but that may change with any future setting changes.
Sorry I sounded kind of like a Jerk in this review, but, hey, it is a review, and if a critic said something terrible about you/I, you would have to build off of it.
My personal thoughts on a creature:
They can turn into a human by "consuming" someone. When they kill someone, they take their DNA from their blood, and can then replicate that person. The creature in normal form would be agile, and normally hunched over. It should crawl around, but have human like front "legs." Sharp, U shaped claws on its hands to scale walls. Big, meaty legs to jump high. It can also blend slightly as to fit in with the ground and moves silently. For a creature like this, here is how you could rewrite the last part with Chris:
My crush, the beautiful Chris, walked over to me, and politely asked me if he could have a moment. I shoed(please look this up, don't think I spelled it right) Amy away.
"Hey," he said. He got down on his knee, and leaned forward like people do when they propose. I blushed, and I was a little uncomfortable. Something seemed different about Chris. His eyes...
While leaning forward, he violently shook his head, and the next instant, his eyes were red, and blood had seeped from his teeth. Fangs were visible. His eyes caught mine, I could swear some part of him was regretting this, but impossible; his real self was dead. He sank his fangs into my forearm, towards my wrist. I cried out in pain...
Just something a little different from the normal neck biting, and your arm would be the next biggest vein, wouldn't it(although not a major artery)?
--ShadowKnight155
I liked the whole idea of this story, however it just needs a bit more description to draw the reader in. More emotion and formality helps too . In the places I've marked red are the ones that could really do with some of this. There are a few minor spelling glitches but nothing that can't be easily fixed.
Although, all in all, I like your story!
december
I did like the idea of the story however...I feel that the story needs more description and more emotion.
I think that you could have drawn me in more if you would have described the vampires that would have attacked the main characters mother. Or if you had give more description of the attack.
Look forward to more.
~Koinu160~
I rewrote the entire story. You have a lot of run-ons and fragments. You also have started many of your sentences with "I" or "As I" line after line. You need to fix that! I used to do that, but now I have overcome that disability to see it.
You may copy + paste this to your OP. I fixed it up and now it looks and sounds less childish.
Other than that, great plot! This is constructive criticism.
Hey AlyKat! I'm Trish, I'm here to drop off a review! So let's get started, shall we?
Description
One of the first things I noticed when reading this was that you seem to rush your story quite a bit when you should be taking more time to actually show us what is going on. Remember that age old rule? It is incredibly crucial in all types of writing so that the reader does not get bored! Remember to SHOW don't TELL!
With that said, you have a good outline here, we just need to be able to picture what is going on in our heads. We need to be able to see your characters as real people, people that we can relate to and that could actually exist. Flesh out your world, make us care, make us believe!
And that also brings up the point of character development, another integral part of every story. Now, while no reader can expect to know your characters this far into the story, they still expect to be drawn in, to care about what's happening in your story.
You can help this with description as well as character development. As I said before, make your characters real, and make us care about them! No reader wants to read about a paper character in a paper world. We want 3D!
Plot
I also talked about this a bit before, in how I said that you seemed a bit rushed. We don't want info dumps, we want to know what is going on. Don't rush through your plot so fast that your readers can't keep up.
However, I must also say that so far your plot is intriguing, even if it is rushed and 2D. Build your world, keep us interested in what's going on! Flesh it out, slow it down, show us your story!
Nit-Picks
Your wording here is a bit confusing. Try to clear it up a bit.
This whole first paragraph seems a bit cliche, especially with the last sentence. You don't need to introduce your character and plot like it's a TV show. It's not a dialogue for some TV commercial, it's a story. Show us your character, show us what's happening. Try rewording it so it flows better and is more gripping. Make it draw the reader in, make us want more!
Maybe try "and from that day on..." Also, you probably could reword and break this up a little to keep it from being a run-on sentence.
This is something that I've noticed later on in this piece as well, and it really makes your writing seem amateurish and childish. Keep away from the ... and if you must use them, use them correctly and sparsely. Never use more than three, and try to keep them out of your story. In fact, I think that it's way better to have a story with none of that, than with them being overused. They aren't an integral part of your writing, and you need to be able to moderate your use of them, or even keep them out altogether. There are other ways of making us read a pause into your description or dialogue.
Who is going to ask me?
Also, you need to remember to break up your paragraph if a new person starts talking. Watch out for that.
That's it for the nit-picks. I know I won't have gotten them all, but you should be able to go through it yourself again and watch out for things like what I pointed out.
Overall
Overall, I think that you have a good start here, and that it is on its way to being a really good story. Just remember to flesh it out and make it as interesting as possible! Draw your readers in!
Anyways, that's about all I have to say now! Feel free to PM me or anything if you have any questions about anything I said in here, or about anything on YWS! Welcome, and I hope to see you around sometime! Bye bye!
.
#FF0080 ">I think you need to do more character development, and you need more emotion. You also repeat yourself a lot. Other than that, this has the potential for a great story. I would love more information on Chelsea. How old is she? What does she look like? And where does she live? Is it an alternate universe or our world, and what is the deal with the vampires? I liked it a lot.
Sparkles,
Sierra.