The blast surprises all of us at work and many on break. We have five seconds to acknowledge the attack before the warehouse is filled completely with smoke.
The smell of burning flesh engulfs my senses and clogs my nose. I put a cloth to my mouth to be able to breath. My eyes sting and begin to water. I hear the dying moaning of pain and screaming for the loved ones they will never see again. The explosion happened not a minute ago and hundreds of bodies are already strewn around.
I make a attempt to close my eyes to prevent images being imprinted with my mind but I find I can not. Pain shoots through my arm at the speed of light. I search frantically for a water source to cleanse my arm. I see a water fountain twenty feet away. I slowly move my legs to test for injury. Other than a few cuts and bruises, I seem to have missed injuries to me legs. I walk over to the fountain and wash my wound. It isn't to deep; I won't need stitches but my arm will take a considerable amount of healing time. I tear off part of my shirt and use it to bind my arm.
I stand up slowly trying to keep what little food I have eaten down. My long blond hair is scorched at the tips and is stained with blood. It's been about three minutes since the blast. Out of the hundreds that were working, about fifty are still surviving. And even those numbers will decrease sufficiently very quickly.
I see my parents bodies, even after death they still cling to each other in hope to become one in the after life. I suddenly remember Annabelle, my eleven-year old sister. My heart beats like an untamed drum.
"Annabelle!" I scream. I bellow out her name over and over again.
My friend Melinda Comes up to me. She looks fairly healthy with hardly any wounds. Her eyes tell a different story. Their filled with sorrow and pain. I follow her and find Annabelle gently rocking Terry, Melinda's little sister and Anna's best friend. Hardly a minutes passes before Terry's soul leaves her. Her sister dies soon after.
I take a grief stricken Annabelle and walk out the door. In the hopes our life begins to look up.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is a really strong start here. It works out really effectively as far as getting the reader's attention goes and this is something that you can really build a powerful first scene off of, but I feel like this scene doesn't really live up to that potential.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh dera, we're starting on some really powerful images right there with all sorts of death and destruction being what we as readers are thrust into at the very start. Its a lovely way to kick of a story cause it does immediately manage to get our attention as readers, and I think you paint a decent picture of how such a thing would rip through the calmness of a normal day.
Okay....that is a lot of focus on injuries right away, which is a bit unrealistic there, in shocking situations like this where its immediately after the blast has happened here, you're far too pumped full of adrenaline to notice any pain or wounds, this person might be a bit shocked and trying to get out of the situation, but that is about it for this point here, this sort of description would work only after things have calmed down later in the piece and not here at the very beginning.
Okay, so this part is a much better continuation from that initial blast scene, this is what a person would immediately focus on and take stock of, honestly if this one came up right after that opening paragraph instead of the injuries, it would make for a much better flow. The flow issues aside, the emotions being captured here are quite good. We can quite relate to these people since we just met them but there's enough grief and shock being shown that we can somewhat feel the effects here.
This ending is a bit rushed. In shock situations like this one, one thing that is very common is to have everything happen slowly, you will notice every second that passes, you don't ever have this whole rushed feeling of everything just happening, that's more when you're bored, so I feel like a huge opportunity is being missed when you rush through so fast not to mention that its bordering on unrealistic there with how they just notice someone die and walk out scot free.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, its not bad, there's some decent emotion, the descriptions are fairly good, and we get a good idea of the attack that's happened and the devastation it has left behind, but it all just goes by far too fast and it comes off as a little unrealistic when compared to how such a situation would go down in real life.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Although the title gives a proper description of the story, it's not my favorite and you should give it one that is original to your story, not just what it is.
It's a little confusing where this takes place. The title says future but how much in the future? And what about the future makes this setting distinct. Also, you don't give any information about the MC, not gender or age.
This is not to say I don't like your piece, the writing is good and I can feel the action and drama of the scene. Just clear up the things I pointed out and keep up the good work!
It was good. I could feel the drama.
I would try to talk a little bit more about what the character is feeling.
She just seems sort of numb.
Unless that was intended.
Minor gramatical errors.
Why did Melinda die?
Make it a little bit more visual.
It will be longer as soon as I have the time to put more onlinee!!!!
Okay, so this is a pretty good story. The story is not confusing, it's clear and it seems to have no grammatical problem.
However, I do think that you can make this story longer. Tell us more, at the moment, I do not know what the main character's name is name is, what she looks like apart from the fact that she has blond hair, I know very little about this character.
Also, I think you can describe things more vivdly. At the moment, we're not exactly seeing anything. Okay, this next part might just be me, but I don't think it's gruesome enough. A bomb has just been dropped and the mention of blood is minimal. I'd understand if you don't want to make your story gruesome, but you should at least go on about how their faces is streaked with charcoal ash or something. Make it more vivid. Make us see.
This could just be me, but Melinda's enterance seems a bit sudden here. It's just like she appearaed out of nowhere, there had been no previous mention of her yet. I think that it would help if you hint something about her coming. Just something small so it doesn't look like she came out of nowhere.
Overall, I think that it could definitely be expanded, but so far, it's great. Keep it up!
I liked the story
As I read I felt the the drama and I can easily imagine the scene
Only one correction
The "injury's to me legs." should be injuries to my legs
Keep it up!