Rows of faces
Devoid of glee
But not a shred of camaraderie.
We crowd around a hole in the ground
Real remorse is elusive, scarcely found
All's dead silent
Not a sound.
A shattering toll began to roll over my heart
Now forever a part
Of my memories.
The supposed link began to speak
His solemn voice among the bleak
Recalling a legacy of football games watched-
Not played.
Of the many iPhones he had paid
Of the fuss over fancy clothes he made
For clutching that vile
To forget for a while-
Forever.
to flee this Paper World where nothing matters.
It's not real but yet we're sealed
within the walls of the stadium
running the rat race of the human race
restless and unsatisfied
but these walls cannot Death Defy
he was living yet not alive
he was hollow
he chose to die.
And no one around me can figure out why.
Or even care enough to try.
Because their hearts are mâchéd with paper.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Kazey here for a short review.
Now, don't get me wrong, I do love the idea you're working with here. And I'm going to be very frank. If I offend you, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help. The idea is hardly inspired. It's very cliché, and although you did put a slightly different angle on it, I still felt I was reading something I've read 100 times before. The metaphor that once stunned me, made me ponder, just didn't. Experiment! Be bold! Be daring! I know you can do it.
Secondly, a lot of rhyme felt forced. Read back through your work and take out phrases that sound clunky or unnatural. A poem doesn't have to rhyme.
Lastly, a small point, but it's actually papiér mâché. An easy mistake to make.
Don't get me wrong, this was a great basis for a piece, just keep on working on it. I'm sure you can improve!
~Kazey
Thank you for taking the time to review my piece. Contrustive critisism is invaluable so thank you for your insight.
You're more than welcome
Hello! Sky here with a short blurb of a review for you. I agree that it starts out devoid of emotion, tone, mood, etc. As I read on, the elements started to fall into place. Before I delve into the good stuff, let me offer a few improvements. First of all, the monotone start does not encourage the audience to read more. Next, The cadence of this is smooth for the most part, except for the third stanza. The rhythm is completely off. The same goes for the line
The fourth stanza seems a little cliche to me. Maybe it's the phrasing. In the fifth stanza, needs to be elevated more. These phrases are not as strong as they could be. Be concise especially with that set of lines. Lastly, the ending line is a nice bow on the gift, but it too is phrased awkwardly to me.Now! On to the good stuff!
The major theme of this was lovely. The rhythm was clean for the most part. You developed the suspense fairly well, slowly introducing the "Paper World" and "Paper Mache Hearts".
Just work on those few things. Thank you for your work! Keep writing!
Thank you for taking the time to review! I really appreciate the feedback!
Wow, just wow. This was absolutely amazing.
It reminds me of some of the people who just walk by the people, who are empty and dead, ignoring them, and then they criticize and curse them after they have chosen to take their lives.
Your writing seems monotone at first, but your ending three lines say it all. It puts everything into perspective, like the last piece to the abstract puzzle. Some of the metaphors may be hard to understand, but I like that because the vagueness of it allows the reader's mind to wander. Vagueness is good only to a point, and you managed to balance right on the edge.
Great work!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my piece! I'm glad the central message came across. Thanks again~