Published July 24, 2009
When I'm with my friends
We have a lot of time to spend
Laughing at each others jokes
Talking and drinking diet cokes.
Having fun at sleepovers
Giving each other makeovers
Staying up all night long
Listening to our favorite songs.
Chorus:
Separate, we are talkative
We are really nice
Sometimes we are sensitive
Together, we're like sugar and spice.
For being best friends,
We know each other very well
We are there for each other in the end
But we just love to yell.
We usually have so much fun
Hanging out in the sun
We think of each other as the best in every way
And together is how we'll spend our days.
Chorus:
Separate, we are talkative
We are really nice
Sometimes we are sensitive
Together, we're like sugar spice.
We tell each other funny stories
And dance at big parties
We make each other very glad
And are there in an instant when we are sad.
Even if our fights are as angry as twisters
We'll always be just like sisters
But what we enjoy most
Is being really close.
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Hey Alpha!
This does seem like actual lyrics rather than lyric poetry, but I'll move on.
To me, the poem overall felt a little generic, like it could have been written by anyone. I don't know if this makes sense, but I think that you need to make it more personal to you and your friends if you want to get any emotion across to your reader. Don't just write the things that anyone could write about any of your friends, write about the small details that make your friends special. If you get what I mean?
~Amy
'nice' is over used
yelling and there for eachother aren't tied together enough to use 'but'
Forced rhymes.
Seems to be a simple feel-good poem, not so much my style.
Hello
a common misconception-- lyrical poetry is not the same thing as lyrics. There is a wonderful article on the poetry and discussion thread about what lyrical poetry entails.
I'm not saying this to be bossy, but to tell you that there are people perusing the lyics forum who are better suited to review this kind of work than someone like me, sitting over here in the poetry sections
I want to see more conflict in your poem. Whether its a song or a poem, no one wants to hear about pure, unspoiled happiness over and over and over again, in different ways. I see the sugar, give me some spice.
besides that, good luck and keep writing
Empress
OK! So, all in all, a really great poem, really sweet! It definitely reminded me of my friends!
However, I did have a couple of problems with flow, there were a lot of syllables in one line and then hardly any in the next. For example, the chorus.
"We are nice" is too short compared to the previous and following lines. Maybe try "We are really nice"?
The last line is way too long! I nearly suffocated, lol. Why not try:
"Together, we're sugar and spice"?
Just as effective, without killing the reader!
All in all, however, great job!
Keep writing!
Mia x