A/N: Hi! Um, if you -somehow- happen to finish reading this and -for whatever inexplicable reason- decide to review, can you say a thing about the writing style/structure and the pace? Thank you, and happy reading!
On the highest branch of the tallest tree, they sat.
It was a refuge of sorts, because the brown-eyed boy could pretend anything. If he closed his eyes and ignored the ever-present smell of smoke and focused on the songs his companion was humming, he might just be able to forget.
The girl was far too young to be where she was: an ungainly measure away from the ground accompanied by a roof jumping boy who wanted to escape from the smoke. Smoke that was heavy with the ashes. Smoke of a country at war.
A breeze blew grayed air across their freckled noses, and the girl sneezed.
"I'm cold," she announced quietly.
The boy broke the twig he had been playing with into half, and, without looking at her, said, "Told you to bring something warmer."
"But if I went inside, you wouldn't have brought me here!" she exclaimed.
True, that. The boy shrugged. "I came here to be alone." He looked at her, with very bright eyes that have always reminded her of her Mama's honey and of cinnamon sticks. "I never wanted you to come. I'm sick of you sticking to me like a pest. Next time, you yank on my leg, I'll push you so you fall."
"Why are you being mean? You said you'll always stay with me." Her voice was small, her dark red hair covered her face as she crouched low on her perch.
"I said that because you were crying. I didn't mean it. I'm not your mother. I don't have to take care of you."
He cursed the day he taught her how to climb the thick quercus trees; she was a quick learner. (In fact, she was nearly -nearly- better than him, a truth he was loathe to think of, let alone admit.)
She was silent. He couldn't see her face, for she was sitting in a lower branch than him. That may be because she couldn't reach for the higher branch. Or perhaps she wanted to be close but didn't want to disturb him. Either way, the arrangement was fine by him.
He idly played with the sticks, thinking nothing of how he had hurt her, until he heard a barely muffled sniff. He looked closely in time to see a tear make its way down her cheek.
Seas. He'd made her cry. He tried to pretend not to have noticed but his guilt increased tenfold. Damned conscience.
His sticks gripped tightly in hand, he stood up, spreading his arms out slightly to balance himself, then jumped to the opposite branch, the one just on top of hers. Gently, he eased himself onto her perch, tested the branch's solidity throughout its length, then sat cross-legged across from her. Resting his elbows on his knees and his face tucked in between his palms, he stared at her, mutely, intently, until she smiled. After she wiped her eyes he reached out for her hand and rubbed it between his own dry yet admittedly warmer ones. Her skin was stone cold, and he realized that she must have been suffering the temperature for a long time.
"Papa came home yesterday, " she remarked suddenly. "He doesn't look good."
"Of course he wouldn't. He's at war."
She gave him a glance then looked away, like she wanted to ask something. When she didn't, he told her to move away from the tree a little, then he went to sit in that place between her and the tree. He pulled her length against him and told her to rub her hands together.
He felt inadequate: the girl's mother trusted him to keep her safe. Instead he tried to shake her off, he never answered her questions, war-related or otherwise, claiming that he didn't know what was going on either, he made her cry and then left her to go cold.
He could blame it on his parents- their continuous fights got on his nerves so much that he once considered running away. But the girl had nothing to do with his parents and their quarreling, he had no right to treat her as though she was to blame.
He didn't know what he could give her to make up for it, and she seemed to be content in his embrace. But she wouldn't know what she wanted, she was only five, burn it!
He thought of the girl's mother, too ill to notice that her daughter was almost freezing to death. And her father, who might one day leave to look for survivors among the rubble as he did everyday and find the barrel of an enemy's gun pointed at his face. He had to take care of her. No one else would. So:
"I promise I'll always look after you. I'll be your friend."
And they sat in mutual silence for minutes more, the brown-eyed boy and the red-haired girl, oblivious of death's dark wings looming over them, intent on striking prey, no matter the cost.
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140,572 Literary Works • 673,518 Reviews
Hi Alpha
. I noticed how you made the boy feel like he doesn't care about her but deep inside he truely does.
but in general I really like this and unlike other pieces I have read I didn't get lost like I do in other stories. I knew exactly what was going on and you decribed it so well but not too much description. You have described loads but you haven't described loads if you know what I mean 
Right you wanted to know about the Pace, style and stucture ok I will do my do my best
Pace-It was slow moving but you never told us the children's names though I think that was on porpose and I think it was good not mentioning their names but I think you might have to soon. why were they in a tree. My guess is because its world war one or two and they are running away from something. You did say what they looked like though I really liked the parts when you did that.
I agree with metalmauzen on how you made your characters come alive. I love how you have made it so they both have different backgrounds. I am still not sure how they know each other. The paragraphs are a little bit short but you might have done that on porpose
Structure- There is a little bit of tenision bettween the two charcters.
I don't need to tell you all of your individual mistakes because your other reviewers have done that
Any way I really like this
keep writing
-EPICnumber1
Thank you. Actually, the setting is in another world, and the story is mostly post-war. I stopped writing the story because I had to get my plot straight so you won't be seeing any more of it soon. xD
Here I am...I looked at what your most recent work was and I believe it was this. Let's get to it Shall we?
I love how you made the environment of these two kids so alive in such a short piece. They each have their own story, background, future. Yet the story you want to tell here progresses naturally. The features (brown eyes etc.) you describe are enough for this short work.
You wanted to know about the pace. Well, it's great. It is a slow moving piece, but that's what it's supposed to be. If it were about two pirates having a duel over a cursed bit of gold, the tempo should have been quicker obviously. Because you aligned the tempo of your writing style with the tempo of the story, it feels naturally and it did not distract me at all.
Oh and the ending. That was very good. The least you expect in such a sad, but kind of sweet story. Great!
However, I've got some minor things to point out, which could very well be nothing at all.
1. In this sentence : "The boy broke the twig he had been playing with into half, and...."
Isn't that supposed to be 'in half' ? And if it's not, maybe you should change it because, I don't know about anybody else, but that distracted me a bit.
2. 'True, that. The boy shrugged. "I came here to be alone." '
I could not help but think of slang and gang language when I read 'true that'. I think there are better ways to convey what you're trying to say here.
That is pretty much it.
Oh I just noticed something that I really have to point out.
The way you make your characters alive is to give them thoughts and make them act on that... I just love how you are able to do that. To me, that is a sign of the better of writers.
Example : "But if I went inside, you wouldn't have brought me here!" she exclaimed.
True, that. The boy shrugged. "I came here to be alone."
Thank you! Both your points will be taken into consideration and you're right about that typo-- it just slipped through my proofreading xD Again, thank you for the review ^-^
R/N to your A/N:
Yeah, gladly.
Sorry this took so long, even after you implemented your existing revisions as per request.
My usual method is reversed again (not again for you, but for me). Your work is short.
Preliminary comments:
You, good sir, have a story to tell. Once I got into it, I enjoyed it deeply. As for pace, I think revisions of language and clarifying edits will fix anything I could suggest felt slow. Your diction was pretty good ("quercus"), but also somewhat... mmh, arcane (as in "quercus"); there were a few lapses I'll get to under dissection.
A few plot discrepancies:
"On the highest branch of the tallest tree, they sat." "'...Next time, you yank on my leg, I'll push you so you fall.'" Obviously they aren't both on the highest branch.
"...jumped to the opposite branch, the one just on top of hers. Gently, he eased himself onto her perch ... then sat cross-legged across from her." Mmmh... Wait a minute. He moves directly above her. Ok. Then he lowers himself down to her. Ok. But they he sits across from her, while sitting on the same branch? I don't see how it is possible, unless that's one heckuva curvy branch. Elaborate. EDIT: wait wait wait. Unless they are straddling the branch. But then I don't think cross-legged sounds sturdy and realistic. Unless he's really small and the branch is rather thick...? He tests its solidity all along the length before moving down, suggesting it can't be too long, also suggesting it would not be too thick. So. Contradictions.
The "roof-jumping boy" "cursed the day he taught her how to climb the thick quercus trees..." Does he climb, or jump to the tree off a roof? Or both, just to be confusing?
Ah! I found another one. You say "He couldn't see her face," then the next paragraph "He looked closely in time to see a tear make its way down her cheek." Trying to explain it... mmh... He learned to fly. There. But you might still revise it so he doesn't do that.
Benefit (if you can) from that for now; Since this is already review length, I'll edit this in the morrow (er... later in the to-day) with the dissection part.Dissection:
See above.
Also, quickly:
Editing format:
Green things are insertions and (asides); asterisks denote small grammar changes; brackets are small, generally one letter changes. And strikeouts are what they look like.
This just oozes potential excellence.
Potential excellence, though. The prepositional retinue detracts from your meaty story.
"...sorts; here the brown-eyed boy..." Removed "because" in favor of punctuation and to focus on the subject
""If he closed his eyes, ignored..." Removed "and" to streamline; added punctuation and parallel structure
"...his companion's gentle humming..."Moved subject to front of sentence to focus/clarify
Since this is relatively short, I'll bother you with a full dissection.
Basic rules followed in making suggestions:
Ungainly is poor diction - it means awkward or gawky. You mean something like "unhealthy," I think.
"Smoke heavy with ashes." For smoke to carry ashes seems to contradict the fact they're left behind when a fire smolders and dies. So... This just doesn't seem to follow. Ah, smoke technically carries soot. That's the word. Rephrase.
"Smoke of a country at war". This is explicit. I appreciate subtlety - and this is a ripe opportunity. You could delete this, and only reveal it (thus explaining the heavy smoke) when talking about the girl's father. Yeah, I like that idea. But it's up to you, of course.
This description seems clumped. Perhaps they are both freckly, but you could just focus on the girl - instead of "their," you could put "his companion's."
I really feel this when I read it. It's sublimely simple, and says a lot.
Again - simple, simply sublime. The playing with sticks is expressive and realistic.
Honestly, I'm pretty sure those are my favorite lines.
This is long and... structurally complex. "You would have left me!" would suffice.
This is a loong paragraph. It's somewhat uncharacteristic of the work. The description of the eyes you could rephrase to make more clear (I like the imagery, but it doesn't read nicely). If you want, you could even try my editing rules. Especially no. 1.
^^^(I feel no shame.)
Sorta runs on.
Kinda like the loong paragraph above. Ermmm... I'm just going to mark this up now.
"She was silent." That seems wordy. Just to say "Silence" ought to suffice.
"for" is unnecessary
"That may be because" - boil away the fat. "Maybe" is all you are saying here.
"Either way, the arrangement was fine by him." I can't say there's anything wrong about this sentence. But what you are really saying is "He didn't care/it didn't matter to him," and you use more words than necessary to say it.
"Closely" does not sufficiently explain how he can't see her at first, then can now. I think you meant to suggest that looking closely allowed him to see her face, but... it doesn't come across well.
"Seas." "Damned." Which of these feels more... fitting? I like the first curse much, much better. That said, there's nothing particularly wrong with "Damned." But there are folks who would like you to mark your piece for language. (I've heard of them. Not sure I've ever seen one.)
Okay, I replaced all your "then"s with "and"s. There's no reason for this, really. I just wondered if it would sound better. And my brain was reading "and" anyway - for some reason.
There are many rather unnecessary words in that paragraph. If something I remove really grates with your vision for the work, feel free to let me know (I can probably think up a good justification).
Your first sentence is too long, prompting me to suggest removing part or carrying the last idea into the next sentence.
I try to remove conjunctions and emphasize verbs when he is sitting down with the girl - structure, flow, yadda yadda.
I think you could break this paragraph in two, also - to help separate the many happenings.
"dry yet admittedly warmer [hands]" - well, I don't know that "dry" really tells me anything. It doesn't distinguish his hands - I don't see why they would be wet. I suggest removing it to help flow.
The dialogue after this bit is good.
"In that place": unnecessary
"tree": general. He's sitting between her and the tree's trunk, I assume. So I suggested "trunk" instead; it's slightly more explicit description.
In the later bit I tried to emphasize verbs and separated the action following his re-position with a period. I feel it makes both parts more distinct.
Clarify, revise, rephrase... These paragraphs both have much potential for stylistic/structural revision.
The last sentence needs... different punctuation, I think. Try something new in terms of punctu-tating.
No.
But this - yes. Very much yes.
Concerning the last paragraph: it is... overwrought. The wings of darkness looming over them, intent on obtaining prey - suggestively this prey - "no matter what." No matter what to whom? The darkness has no what to matter, so far as I can tell. So... it just falls flat, that last bit.
And you misuse prepositions at least once.
I suggest you rephrase to emphasize how alone the boy and girl are (which you sort of do), and perhaps find a unique way to foreshadow with the ending. Tone back on the whole ominous darkness striking prey deal.
Okay. Closing comments (finally).
This is an excellent story. The pacing is fine. The dialogue is poignant. The kids interact wonderfully, and it all feels realistic. But things get a little cloudy when your structure is lengthy. And there are some funny discrepancies, as I pointed out above.
This reads as a short story. It is very, very well contained. Which means I don't see how it can be continued into a novel, so... I presume it must be backstory.
I would love to see more.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
Hey Alpha
I'm here to offer my review and hopefully it helps! I will write this as I read it so you get my real reactions.
“The boy, shrugged.” - you don't need to comma here.
I like the way the boy is trying to push the young girl away but the guilt gnaws away at him. It shows that even though he's not being very likeable right now – all is not lost!
“he made her cry and then left her go cold” - I think it's supposed to be 'he left her to go cold'
Overall – I really enjoyed this! I like the way that through death, fights and war – the two kids have to stick together because in essence – they are the same.
Good luck! I look forward to reading something else by yourself & feel free to take a look at my work when/if you have the time!
THANKS
Hello! Iggy here as requested to review.
Add a comma after "tree".
Is the friend he's referring to the little girl? If it is, then I suggest you change "friend" into "companion" or "aquaintance", because he doesn't really treat her like a friend, only someone he has to tolerate.
What are you trying to say, here? I think you made a typo with the "that a was". Also, not liking the "dead's ashes" thing. Maybe "the deceased's" will work better?
Get rid of that "if" and add a comma after "leg".
Didn't*
Mutual*
Add a comma after "looming over them" and "striking prey".
So! Very nice prolouge, Alpha! This sounds very promising, two innocent children who live in a place that has been destroyed by war, and recently, it seems. Right away, I pity them, though I do feel a tad annoyed with that boy. I agree that he isn't the girl's mother, but she hasn't anyone else. He should be nicer! >:(
This has me eager for chapter one! Will you set it sometime earlier, to give us a background histlry of what happened? Will you set it in their teenage years, as to speed up time to the present? Or will you continue as you are? I'm curious to know! Also curious to know their names, so don't forget those.
~ Iggy.
Hey
This was amazing. I love the way you made the kids communicated with each other. It was very realistic, the way the girl wanted to be with the boy and the boy didnt want to be with her at first. As a kid my younger sister used to follow me around and I used to hate it. I like how the boy finally opened up towards the end.
You said you wanted comments on the pace and such. The pace was fine, it didnt go too fast that I couldnt keep up with it or too slow that it would bore me. The pace was perfect. I love the description in it. It was well written and the way you worded everything was awesome. I have nothing bad to say about this.
Keep writing
Good prologue indeed! Quite right. Here is a review for you.
I actually really like that they're kids. Most stories here feature teens or older as their protagonists, but it's always nice when the stars are really little. Mostly because of how much differently they act from everyone else, what with the innocence and honesty and whatnot. They also act appropriately childish, too, so good writing on your part. Also, not immediately specifying their ages is also great. I don't really have a reason for that one...
I like how the amount of information we know about this war is about equal to how much the little girl knows; it's almost like being inside her head. All we really know is that it's dangerous and her dad is in it, but that is about it. That gives you a lot of room to work with it later on in your story.
One question you may want to clear up is that at the beginning it sort of seems like they live in the trees, but later it sounds more like they hide there on occasion. So that would be good to specify.
You also had rather excellent sentence structure. Because it actually changed and things were worded beautifully, like your first sentence. Gah. The English teacher in me applauds you.
Keep writing this fo shizzle, mah nizzle!
Thank you!