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140,579 Literary Works • 673,529 Reviews
Nice. Very eery, and I like that. I'd have to go with 'undisturbed' as the better fit for that sentence. I find short stories difficult to write because mine always come out way too long. Haha! But you did a great job saying what you needed to say in only a few paragraphs. Looking forward to more of your work!
Thanks a lot, Aliepalie!
awesome, it gave me goosebumps!
The idea that this is a dream is cool, and I don't think the idea is used before.
I'm not really good at grammar, so I won't talk about that..
I would personally choose undisturbed, just because (like MOIMOW) I know what that word means. XD
Well done, and keep up the good work!
Thanks you guys!
Yes, it DID help! About the seriousness of it, I did that on purpose, cos this is actually an invitation from the girl's oh-so-evil enemy, and he sent her this dream to show her where to go. So it's supposed to be serious.
Er, can you explain how can I improve it, please? Should I delete desperate? What should go instead?
*smiles* Don't worry nothing serious happens to this girl. In case you were wondering, she isn't the MC. In fact, she's the villain's side kick, and she's pretty -and evil- enough to be named Miss Blood Beauty.
(There's no such prize. I made that up.)
Thanks again!
Hypnotizing. I'm ready to find out more.
Okay, I just dictionary.comed it and it seems to mean the exact same thing. Go with whichever you think sets the scene better.
Of the two words, I'd choose undisturbed, but only because I know what it means.
Keep writing, because I'm worried about your character!
Hi there!
Your story was one of those deep, soulful ones. I liked it. I don't know if you're going to make something more of it, but if you are, I would go into more detail about the ribbon-tying on the branches...the red eyes, you know, the things that popped up in the girl's dream. Like, what are they there for? Why did she dream about those things? I would choose unpertrubed because to put it simply: it just sounds better. I kind of know where you got this (or at least I'm pretty sure I do) idea. You had a brilliant part for a story in your head, you just didn't know what else to put. Or you just wanted to submit a short fragment. One last comment: I would tone down the "intensity" of your story. It's overwhelmingly serious in a way. Possibly tone it down with some dialogue, a funny happening, something of that nature. Hope this helped!
-Deelish, novelice
Hello Alpha,
To answer the questions in order:
Yes, it most certainly was OK, in fact better than OK it was good. Atmospheric and controlled. Familiar and yet not cliched
However it was not perfect, I'm not sure what to say needed fixing in the short piece you have written however I think that it needs lengthening so that we can know what precisely is going on. A better piece would leave me knowing what actually went on. As it is I have nice images but I don't know much, this piece was like a teaser for a full length film. Also, "the wolfs howl sounded even more desperate" I don't think you've mentioned before that it sounded desperate, it just seemed wrong
I can't really say whether it made sense or not, there wasn't much to contradict itself.
Unperturbed, the other doesn't really make sense.
Hope that helped, if I've missed something obvious just tell me or if you've got any questions PM me.
Quibbons