Have you ever thought about what happens in a heartbeat?
People die, babies cry, there is cruelty throughout the world.
Have you ever thought about the heart beat as a time bomb,
beating your allotted number of beats before going silent?
Have you ever thought that is was your heart who killed you?
Perhaps just before you die you're in withering pain,
And your heart simply... stops.
It can't bear the pressure.
But what about the pleasant feelings you get from the heart?
Like love?
Don't those end in sorrow too?
Not always.
But usually.
You can feel your heart counting down... Thump thump. Thump thump.
Or you can rejoice that you were given each of those beats,
for the world is what you make it.
The world is a cruel, horrible place.
Full of mindless killing, prejudice, crying,
sickness, terror, and unfairness.
The world is a beautiful place.
Full of sympathy, kindness, cookies, kittens,
Pretty flowers, sunsets, and laughter.
I blame the heart.
I blame you.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is really good. The imagery is amazing, the dialogue is good, it's just a really good piece.
The only suggestion that I have for you is to remove the bold. The italics are fine but the bold is a little distracting and it's kind of making my eyes hurt. Removing it wouldn't hurt.
But, you are the author here and if you like the bold and want it to stay then that is totally fine. I can only make suggestions, you are the one holding the reins.
Happy Writing!
KT
This poem was unlike anything I have ever seen before and it blew my mind. I haven't ever seen a poem written in this fashion which was a clean breath of fresh air. The conversation between the two was very well done and had me pulled in right from the start. My only complaint was that there wasn't enough. When I finished reading a was hungry for more.
You're ending
I felt that this was the most powerful part of your piece. All in all a phenomenal and ground breaking poem. A fantastic job, very well done!
Oh my God, this was good. And weird. Really weird, but still good!
I've been reading lots of dark poetry in the last few months, and this wasn't a perfect match for me, but I really enjoyed it.
First of all, I really loved you formatting. Your use of italics and bold really helps get across your messge. Your use of questions and random phrases, (when I say "random" I mean "kittens") was also a nice touch.
Another plus, NO GRAMMAR ERRORS!
One last plus, I loved your use of language. It's just a bit higher class above normal language, perfect for this "conversation".
Like aouther2b, I didn't get an image of these characters arguing, it didn't come trhough your writing.
Aside from that, I thought it was really good!
Alex out!
Hey there. So happy to be the first to sink my teeth into this piece.
What I liked:
1. The idea. Though I don't really get the image of an angel and devil arguing I find it more the heart and the mind arguing. The mind logical and practicle with what it sees and knows, and the heart passionate about what it feels.
2. The arguement. The way you argue what the world is like and the value of life is great. To decide if the world and life is truely something extrodinary you have to consider the good and the bad. You presented both ideas in a creative and imaginative way.
3. The contrast. By bolding one set of dialouge you set apart who is who, but even had you not bolded it I feel you have put enough differentiation in the way each character talks that had it read all bold or all regular font you still would have been able to tell there are two people. You could always do more to build that idea in the language you choose, but great job on that so far. Also the ideas that each character has are so stark in contrast and so diffrent and i SOOO LOVE IT!!
What I didn't like:
1. Gramatical errors. There were a few that hindered the reading in the slightest. I'll go in order to the best of my abliities.
a) "is was your heart who killed you" is should be it.
b) "Perhaps just before you die you're in withering pain" comma between die and you're, otherwise the line flows too fast and it doesn't make sense.
Okay not as many as I had said, but still try and fix those errors. Simply going over what you have written helps a lot.
2. The flow. It isn't terrible, in all honesty it flows really well, however I think it could you some work. Some parts are choppy and some flow too fast for me, but it may just be me and in that case ignore this comment.
Overall:
Great job. You brought an original idea to life in a brand new way. Work on rereading what you write to look for little flaws here and there, but I wouldn't change a thing. Great job and Keep Writing!!
P.S. PM me if you have any questions!