“I can’t. I can’t do this anymore” I scream out in anguish. Or did I? It came from my mouth– it came from me; but it wasn’t me speaking, what is happening to me?
“There’s no reason anymore.. I can’t” I start walking towards the edge. I don’t want to jump. Please... stop. This can’t be happening, I thought I had everything under control so why, why is this happening to me?
“This- this body isn’t my own. I won’t let myself be suppressed any longer! I can’t take it!” I, no, he neared me closer to the border of the building. I stand on the ledge, staring down at the seemingly endless abyss wondering, what if I was born normal? What if I had my body to myself? Maybe he’s right, maybe I can’t do this anymore. But life is so beautiful, the gorgeous pink and orange in the sky, the wind blowing so hard causing the trees to sway in such a lovely way, the feeling of love, and the so many iterations of it, all so..pretty. God I want to live so badly.
What a windy day it was.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well this is quite the visceral little story. I have always though that the shortest stories can often pack the heaviest punches and this is the kind of one I would use as proof in this scenario. We've got just pain and anguish right from the onset with those little bits of dialogue.
You can really tell this person is genuinely just at the end of a rope. Things have gone downhill and downhill and then just a little bit more downhill until they really can't go any worse and its all gone and coalesced into something that has them screaming out. I think the line where they say this body isn't their own captures it best, just falling as far as you can.
Then the way it shifts to slowly appreciating the beauty of nature. It works in the context well and it also gives us a little bit of false hope that this person is maybe seeing the beauty around them. Perhaps something good is happening. Perhaps a mind is going to change here and things will be alright and then the last line hits and it all comes crashing down as that locks into place in an entirely different way.
A visceral and powerful little tale this and I'm impressed at how much it does with how little. Very well done there!
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.
Per my interpretation, this was a really great short story! I loved the idea you were trying to portray and had an enjoyable time reading it!
This follows the story of someone who is seemingly experiencing some sort of suicidal ideation and maybe a bit of dissociation as well. Most of what we understand is left up to interpretation, and that is especially true with the final sentence.
This was a wonderful read!
If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be related to a punctuation thing that occurs in the second paragraph. You said,
The only thing I have to say here is that there should be a period after "can't," and the ellipse should be three periods long.
But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.
If I had to pick my favorite part, it would definitely be the opening sentence! It did a phenomenal job setting up the pace for the rest of this short and introducing exactly what we were supposed to expect. You said,
I absolutely loved this quote! I love the anticipation it causes and the stride it sets for the rest of the story. This was really well done, so kudos to you for that!
Overall, this was a really great short story! I enjoyed reading it, and I can't wait to see more from you!
Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!
Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!
What a windy day it was.
That line is the cherry on top of this beautiful piece of writing. The inner turmoil inside this man is clear, and it’s left up to the reader whether or not he took his life or not. Of course, the wind may have blown him off, now that i think about it, but still. There, admittedly, are a few grammar mistakes, such as lack of capitalization in the letter I and inconsistencies in the elipsies. But other than that, this was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Keep up the great work! <3
Thank you!