Young Writers Society

Hey there! ShadowPrincess here to leave a quick review.

There were a few grammatical errors in this but they've already been touched on so I won't do it again. What I will touch on is the fact that this did move along kind of quickly. It seemed to move along almost too quickly. You could try spacing things out more. Adding more detail about the narrator would be a good way to do this. Also, it was kind of missing emotion. There wasn't much explanation about how the narrator himself was feeling. Well, for me at least but then again I'm an emotion person. My writing is always focused on the emotion. Especially in romance.

Anyways, that's pretty much all I have. Overall, this was a good read and I like it a lot. Keep up the good work.

I like the way the narrator originally describes the girl, and how he seems to especially like her eyes. Or how he usually doesn't like people talking but he likes it when she does it. I found the progression of this story and him falling in love a bit to quick but I guess in a sense it worked pretty well for this story.
The ending was pretty surprising, I didn't expect her to die like that, so sudden. It was so sad.
But it was a good story, so keep up the good work!

Hey, it's wisegirl22! And I'm going to review your work! (Don't take my advice if you want your work to get better......just kidding.)

First off, you don't need to capitalize words after commas. Just periods. That happened in your first sentence. But here you really shouldn't need commas because these should all be sentences.

"It's not been so long since I've met her, It's not being so long since I've loved her, It's not been so long since she left me all alone."

Also after the first sentence(s) you take the word "indentation" way overboard. All you need is five spaces, if tab doesn't work on your device. Works well enough for me, anyway.

Here you misspelled "stared".

"He came up to me and starred at me with his wet eyes."

There are a lot of places you could use different punctuation instead of commas. Like when you're describing her eyes you could put dashes before and after your ocean description. It kind of confused me and is sure to confuse other readers. But overall I was not expecting the ending, well done! This was great. I enjoyed it so much!

-wisegirl22

I noticed some grammar, spellings, such as “starred” for stared, and punctuation errors, i.e. missing commas, incorrect use of them etc. Few sentences feel “broken” due to the unnecessary use of commas and disrupt the flow of the story.

For example, you wrote:
“It was late, had a lot of work to finish.”

This sounds . . . stiff and awkward.

You could try:
The sky began to darken and I glanced at her, mesmerised by her beauty. I had a lot of work pending, but I didn’t care. I’d always put them on hold for her . . . .

I’m not good at giving examples, but did you see my point there?

This brings me on to my next point.

Though it was a narrative, I felt that the story ended too quickly. You brushed over the details, giving us little to imagine. Next time, you might want to take time to develop the speaker’s personality, thoughts and feelings. Dialogues can also help us engage in the story, so use them to your advantage.

That aside, I truly enjoyed reading your story! It was cute and sweet as it portrayed a young boy in love. Though it was a cliché idea, I found it interesting. I can see your efforts and a lot of potential in this story, so very well done.

Good luck, and *never* stop writing!

P.S: I’m sorry if I sounded harsh or rude, but I pointed out these flaws to help you improve. These are just my opinions. You’re not obligated to follow them.