Published March 25, 2010
Her-shiver
We’re a pair he said.
Birds and worms I said.
I love you
I love you too
Words are lies. Hollow, every one of them.
The first words, the pair words and birds and worms words, are lies.
Their meanings are not.
We were a pair. Like birds and worms. Sometimes, he was the bird. Sometimes, the worm. Someone was always hurting. Someone was always being hurt.
But.
It was love. Our love.
It was the only way how to. The only way we knew.
How to love, I mean.
But you don’t care about that.
You only want the more I told you about. More about my death.
It’s the only reason you’re still here. Listening. So, I won’t tell you. I won’t tell you the more. Yet, anyway. Because if I tell you too soon, you will leave.
I don’t want that. You leaving.
Then I’ll be alone.
Being alone is being dead.
I don’t want to be dead.
It’s cold here, where I am. You’re not here, not where I am.
But you are here.
You’re not cold though.
But you know why you’re not cold.
Because.
You’re not like me.
You’re not dead.
It’s so cold.
[A/N] Holy cow, I got a lot of reviews on the first chapter :O Wow! Thank you so much to all of you! Glad you're interested. Any new advice/constructive criticism?
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141,747 Literary Works • 675,673 Reviews
Hey there!
Okay, again I like this format, I find it interesting. However, there were a couple parts that just didn't sound right to my ears.
Was this supposed to be the chapter title? Or what she's doing? I'm not completely clear on it.
I don't care for this; it's too confusing, and I was going, "What is she talking about?"
I agree with Kaedee that there's a lot of repetition of the same idea; however, I find it intriguing and don't mind it that much, just as long as you're not going to keep it up on the same topic in the next chapter.
Well, that's it I have to say. Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more.
Hey, Kaedee here again! Welcome to YWS. (I forgot to say that last time, not quite realizing you were a new member!)
Okay. The beginning was pretty good! But mostly...
...There seems to have been no big progression in the story in this chapter. What did we learn? Well, that this dead person was in love with somebody, and possibly this guy betrayed her? That's it. You didn't say much other than that; you just stretched this one tiny piece of information out for a whole chapter. If you went into detail, it would be a whole different story. Here is where the reader starts to get bored:
This whole part drags on...and on...and on...and doesn't seem to have much of a point to it! As I said before, I adore the style, but it almost seems like you're writing all of this to fill up space, to take up a chapter.
And that is my opinion! I hope I helped in at least one way or another. And I hope I wasn't too, too harsh. Sorry if I was!
And don't be discouraged! Keep on going. This still has tons of promise, and I'm looking forward to finding out the plot, and reading more!
KD