Published June 23, 2011
Mikayla, Thomas, Tammy, and Zeke stepped into the silky twilight from underneath a canopy of their favorite restraunt, The Mystic, which is a vegan restraunt. They had gone there for Mikayla's 17th birthday. Each of the other three friends, with Zeke as her boyfriend, bought her gifts. Tammy had given her a charm braclet and a scrapbook; Thomas had gotten her a week supply of 20 books. Zeke hadn't given her his, yet.
Zeke looked behind him and his girl to wink at the other two, that was the sign to fall back. There was a garden across the street, which Zeke started leading Mikayla to. It was her favorite plaace in the whole town. He led her into a section completely surrounded by trees. There was a fountain in the middle of the trees that looked like liquid crystal. Zeke turned her away from him and told her to close her eyes.
"No peeking, Mikky." Zeke said in his deep silky voice.
Zeke pulled a necklace out of his pocket; it was made of complete saphire, the color of Mikky's eyes. It was the shape of a heart, and had a silver plate heart that had an engraving on it. It read: Forever and always, Mikky. I love you. He moved her blonde hair with black highlights away from her neck, placing and hooking the amulet in place. He closed his eyes and kissed her neck.
"Happy two year anniversary, and happy birthday. I love you." Zeke said with complete sincerity
Mikayla oppened her eyes and looked at the heart dangling from her throat. As she read the inscription, a light tear ran across her bluch colored cheek down to her rose colored lips. She turned to look into his amber eyes, which were also filled to the brim with tears of joy. She kissed him and felt his tears run down his face. His jet black hair tickled her cheek as he held her in the moment.
"I love you too." Mikayla said
"How touching." A voice said from inside the trees
Zeke held onto Mikayla protectively. Together, they glanced around at the trees surrounding them. They didn't see anyone. The man laughed. He came from behind them , pulling them back into the dark secrecy of the woods.
The guy leaned close to Mikayla's ear. "Happy birthday, princess."
Mikayla screamed as she felt a sharp pain in her arm. Then, as she realized her and Zeke would never make it out, her world faded into the darkness.
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140,194 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hello there, it's me again!
Let's begin with nitpicks.
Plot wise, it was okay. I liked the unexpected ending, since it looked so perfect in the beginning. I would like more details though. Probably about the mysterious guy. Here are some questions for you: Did she see him? If so, was he tall, small, lean, chubby, all in black, face obscured by something...? Did she struggle? Does she know the guy, or is he random? Were there other missing person and and murders before, or was this a random thing? Did she recognize the voice? Did Zeke try to protect her? Scream to attract attention to them? So many things you could add to this story. The details you put in the first part doesn't match the ending, so I would recommend you work a little bit more on this so it fits right in.
Keep writing!
-Other One
First, I suggest that you try working on how you start your story. Remember that the first paragraph of any literary piece should grab the interest of the readers. Practice making your first sentence a little bit exciting, because the worst failure any writer could experience is having his or her readers stop reading in the middle of his or her work. I'm not saying that your work is dull. I see you have the potential. And I also feel your passion to write. You made me continue reading because you did better after the first paragraph. But when the story ended, it sort of didn't make sense to me, like why the girl was being called a princess. You have to add a little bit of a detail about it, without losing the drama of your story. Also, this line:
would have sounded better if it's "Happy second anniversary!"
Just take time to figure things out. Anyway, you're still young and you have a brighter future ahead of you. Keep writing!!