Published June 25, 2011
I wish I wasn't always so numb
I wish all my smiles weren't a mask
Weren't fake
I wish all the laughter at my humor woukd still be there
But still know my story
I wish my sobs would just leave me be
No tears, just dreaded silence and shaking
I've cried every tear I can
I have been strong all these years
I hope you all understand
That I no longer belong here
That I no longer want to be here
I never have
I never will
If it wasn't so much guilt to pay,
I would pay my dues
To die
Oh, I would pay them excessively
I would pay with everything I have
I try to help others with their problems
But I can hardly
Stand tall with my own
I am not even doing that
I try and try
Oh, do I try
All of you guys
Try to say
"Jesus is the answer"
"Jesus will save you"
Well, there's nothing here to save
There is nothing left
I'm gone
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138,271 Literary Works • 672,093 Reviews
Hello there.
First off, it's a good poem. I like the feelings you've put in there. I only found two mistakes and they were already pointed out by another reviewer. I would like you to edit it though, because I find it very insulting when someone points out something and the writer doesn't correct it.
I thought the repetition of 'I wish' would be there all throughout the poem... It wasn't. But it's fine.
I'm not super good at reviewing poems since I think everyone sees them differently... Sorry for the short review.
Keep writing!
-Other One
I really liked the form you took on when writing this piece, I feel it really spoke to your audience. However, I would suggest perhaps improving the vocabulary ever so slightly, maybe making a few words more complex as it adds even more depth. Other than that I found no faults and it was extremely well written. Keep up the good work
I just found a few small errors
for woukd just to be would
and for humore i'm not sure if you mean humor?
I really like your piece. I felt the deepness of it emotionally through your words and overall i think it is very interesting.
Really, really sad, but extremely well-written. I didn't find any grammatical errors, and I noticed no problems with it otherwise. Please keep writing! Your work is excellent.
Your second poem that I've read, and I was just as impressed with this one! I'm not a very good critic when it comes to pieces that I really like, so I probably won't be much help, advice-wise. Just wanted to let you know I really liked this. Um... let's see... I should try to make this more of a review... I think the format was good, well written and I liked how it ended.
Nicely done!
This part really touched me, I feel very similar often. I really wish I could help, but I seem create more problems for the people I care about, rather than helping them with theirs... and trying to stand tall on my own, I really just can't do anything. And trying so hard... Wow, I really liek how you put your thoughts into words that that reader can relate to.
Great job! I would look foward to reading any more of your work!
<..> Kat