Published July 1, 2011
Janice was running through the forest, trying to catch her breath as she frantically glanced behind her shoulder. She didn't see the man anywhere amoung the trees. She had to get away from him or he would kill her. Janice dodged trees and got smacked with bugs when she ran into branches. She couldn't get any of what happened out of her head. The strange man had raped her. He had handcuffed her and raped her. When she wouldn't cooperate, the man beat her. Just remembering the feel of him inside her made her sick. He had gotten so much satisfaction from her cries. She couldn't help keeping the memory of that day out of her thoughts.
Janice walked out of her front door in an orange jogging suit. It was time for her morning jog. She had been running down the street, by the woods, when something knocked her over. She rolled down the slight hill that was beside the sidewalk. She groaned and opened her eyes, her head was pounding. A man was standing above her and she screamed when he brought a bag over her head.
The memory made her shiver, though she was sweating from the effort.
She glanced around again and suddenly she saw him. She tried to run faster so he wouldn't see her, but she was too late. He had caught sight of her. She ran and ran, but he was too fast. He tackled her. They hit the ground with a thud. She opened her eyes, once again fearing what could be above her. Of course, confirming her fears, he was looking down on her. Something glimmered in the corner of her eye. She glanced at it. It was a blade which looked as if it was made of quicksilver. It looked alive. In a flash, with the soft sunlight reflecting off it, the knife was plunged through her abdomen. The man pulled it out of her stomach, and then thrust it through her chest. He twisted it and pulled it out, causing a burning sensation to ripple across her. The light in her eyes dimmed, and his sickening grin was the last Janice saw. The breath faded from her lungs, as she disappeared from the world. He left her body among the trees as he walked up the slight hill. He saw a woman jogging and stopped her.
"Hi, I'm Jack. Mind if I use your phone?" He asked.
"Oh, uh, sure. Jog with me." The lady said.
He grinned his frightening grin as he watched her breast bounce as she jogged along side him. She would be next.
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139,327 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hello there.
You asked me a while ago to review this... And I'm sorry it took so long to finally do, but my life is a mess right now, and I can't seem to have free time. Or if I do, I'm asleep.
The pace isn't the best, I think. But overall it was a great story. I really like the end, not with the death of the girl, but with the 'other' victim.
Keep writing!
-Other One
This was horrible!
You're writing; pretty good! But the ideas! You have a good hand with cringe-worthy writing!
It is a bit short. It could have used more description to make it seem more real; it was gruesome, but could have been more so. A tip for making it look longer is to separate long paragraphs; a paragraph is to be used for one idea- in your longest it had a couple- you could have separated the points where she was running and being stabbed to make it better paced.
Overall, this was a great read; thank you.
Really good, very creepy and disturbing. This is every girl's nightmare, and you captured it. Really good.
Hi, I'm Sky and I will be reviewing your work today.
Janice was running through the forest, here you don’t need an and trying to catch her breath as she frantically glanced over her shoulder. She didn't see the man anywhere among the trees. She had to get away from him no comma needed here or he would kill her. Janice dodged trees and got smacked with bugs when she ran into branches. She couldn't get any of what happened out of her head. The strange man had raped her. He had handcuffed her and raped her. When she wouldn't cooperate, the man beat her. Just remembering the feel of him inside her made her sick. He had gotten so much satisfaction from her cries. She couldn't help keeping the memory of that day out of her thoughts.
Janice walked out of her front door in an orange jogging suit. It was time for her morning jog. She had been running down the street, by the woods, when something knocked her over. She rolled down the slight hill that was beside the sidewalk. She groaned and opened her eyes, her head was pounding. A man was standing above her and she screamed when he brought a bag over her head.
The memory made her shiver, though she was sweating.
She glanced around again and suddenly she saw him. She tried to run faster so he wouldn't see her, but she was too late. He had caught sight of her. She ran and ran, but he was too fast. He tackled her. They hit the ground with a thud. She opened her yes, once again fearing what could be above her. This sentence seems a little awkward here. Perhaps you could try to rephrase it? Of course, confirming her fears, he was looking down on her. Something glimmered in the corner of her eye. She glanced at it. It was a blade which looked as if it was made of quicksilver. It looked alive. In a flash, with the soft sunlight reflecting off it, the knife was plunged through her abdomen. The man pulled it out, and then thrust it through her chest. He twisted it and pulled it out, causing a burning sensation to ripple across her. Instead of repeating him stabbing her again and again, perhaps you could simply say that he stabbed however many times you want, say: he stabbed her in the abdomen 5 times, each time driving the knife deeper into her stomach or something like that The light in her vision eyes seems a better word here dimmed, and his sickening grin was the last thing Janice saw. The breath faded from her lungs, as she faded try not to repeat the same word so soon after you use it from the world. He left her body among the trees as he walked up the slight hill. He saw a woman jogging and stopped her.
"Hi, I'm Jack. Mind if I use your phone?" He asked.
"Oh, uh, sure. Jog with me." The lady said.
He grinned his frightening grin as he watched her breast bounce as she jogged alongside him. She would be next.
Okay so here are a few things that I found that I have highlighted.
Your story is creepy and if you fix a few things and perhaps maybe at to it to keep up the suspense, I think that you could have a truly scary story. It was good, but a little morbid for my taste so I can’t really say that I liked it. Hope you don’t mind. My other complaint other then the stuff that I have highlighted is that you tend to end your sentences a little too soon and it makes the reading a little awkward and stilted. Other than all that, I think that you have potential with this one. Keep up the good work.