Published June 17, 2011
You'd think
After all my fights and struggles
That I'd get stronger
But I am not
I am getting weak and frail
So much that the wind could blow me
And my ever present tears away in a single gust
I am still regretting being born into this horror
Into this place where my life
Meant nothing in the first place
I am bound by chains of DNA
To this family
In hell
I can never break the chains
But I do often dream
Of what the future will hold
I do dream there will be a day
Where my life will be drastically better
And I will no longer scream to deaf ears
For mercy
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
OMG. This is so sad. It can't be for real. Is it? Oh my gosh. Well, anyway to the reveiw. I thouht this poem was very moving and tragic. Sorry to say tragic so dramactically but that is the only word that seems to describe it. But, despite the terrible-ness it portrayed, I really, really, really, really liked it. Probably, actually because of the great emotion. I can''t say it enough. It's just so sad. My favorite line was the one where you said you were bound to your family by chains of DNA. That's amazing imaginary! And it works because DNA is in chains and so are prison chains. HAHAHA! You know what time it is... Nit-pick time! I know, I know, not fun. But I'm really picky so even with the red stuff don't be offend. Oh, red means needs editing in my opinion, and green means I love that part. So, here goes...
So, anyway, that's what I think. You did pretty amazingly on this. Usually I have at least 3 or 4 reed marks on people's poem in other reveiws, but I couldn't find that many mistakes in yours! Nice job! I am very sorry that is how you feel about you're family. I hope it gets better. Sending you a smile.
Bye!
-Cammie
Le Review:
Okay. So this is not a bad poem. Clearly, you are writing about a painful subject for you. Having to deal with a bad family is a struggle, and you clearly convey that. However, you don't make me feel any real emotion for you in this poem. I feel a little bad, yes. But the way you word this is so simple. You don't really let us into your pain, you just talk about it. Your wording is almost scientific, with mentions of DNA. Rather than just saying "my family is terrible to me, but I am bound to them" describe how you feel. Give us vivid details and metaphors. Make us feel as you do.
With work, this will be good!
Keep writing,
Tori
hey,
Really amazing for a 14 year old! I love the use of your wording to esxplain and make the reader feel the emotion you feel when writting your peom. I do think though that the last word used to end your poem was not as the same emotion used throughout the poem. It kind of fell flat when you used the word 'Mercy". the rest of the poem has so much of emotion that the last word used does not carry through that emotion that you made the reader feel during the poem. Other than that I loved it, and really keep it up. I think the younger you start writting the better you get faster.