This story is written from the point of view of the two feral cats who lived under our Pole Barn. its still a work in progress. Hope you like it!
I watched the strange human standing by the edge of the building I was under. What did it want? Why doesnt it come under and get me? It has me cornered, it is in front of the only way out from under the building."kitty, kitty," The human called. I back away from the food infront of me, it smells too much like human anyway. Where is Madza? Oh yeah, he had gone hunting. I slip back under the house. The human can wait. I see Madza coming back, I have to tell him about the human, but he'll freak out if I do.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey, I'm Kaedee, here to review today!
Yes, I agree...you will be adding more to this, right? Next time you should add more on to this before posting it.~KD
This is so short! Put up more and you will get more critique ^^
Besides the obvious typo, this sentence should also be divided into two separate sentences. The comma ( , ) after "building" should be a period ( . ) instead. Also, all the things that the cats are thinking should be in italics. Like this. Lastly, this is a very strange way to start your story. When you open a book, the first page usually doesn't have a sentence like that. We have no idea who or what Wilo is, or even what gender he/she is! I generally hate books that open with a vague action sequence such as this.
I'm not sure if this should be in italics or not... I'd rephrase it to be: "why doesn't it come and get me?" she thought.
Okay, so your grammar in this is pretty whack. This should read: "Kitty, Kitty," the human called.
1) If she is cornered, how does she back away?
2) Since when is there food in front of her?!
3) "in front" is two words
4) If the human gave her the food and has her cornered, then why did she "call" out to her?
Who the heck is Madza? Remember that your reader knows nothing about these two cats. Right now, they don't even know that the characters ARE cats! Pretty much all of this is from the cat's point of view, so why not make it be in first person from the point of view of Wilo instead of an omniscient narrator?
And Madza's name bugs me. I don't care if you named your barn cat "Madza," it just isn't a good cat name. I can't even read it without saying "Mazda" in my head, which is the name of a Japanese car company. Why not pick a cute cat name? Wilo is good. Find a name kinda like that... A cat-ish name.
Again, this should be two sentences. You just said that the human had her cornered... So how the heck does she slip away under the house? Since when was she even near a house? We need a better idea of what the setting is here.
Hope I helped you! Keep writing & be sure to check out my work. PM for questions/comments
Cheers,
Lena