Young Writers Society

This piece was deep and.....sad? Hurtful? One of those. Don't get me wrong though. It was a very beautiful piece! I liked it! Goood JOB!

That was good. I think that it explains how a lot of people feel. If you're feeling this I'm really sorry for you. But back to the poem....

AllForYou wrote:She cry’s….
…and she cry’s --should be cries

Nothing makes sense anymore (i think it would be nice if you used punctuation. i think it would give more of a rythem, and more structure, but i don't it would take away from the free flowingness.)

She can’t see clearly anymore
Her thoughts are distorted
The darkness engulfs her
She’s crying
She violently shakes
Wipes her tears…
…Thinks its over
Then it accidentally plays again…
She cant control herself
Face is drowning --i really like all of the above, very good description and it creates a clear image

Trying her best to keep quiet
Hiding it from her oblivious family
They don’t understand her
She doesn’t want them to
She in a ball now
Pulling her hair
She cant stay still
Pictures. Words, sayings
Swallow her
Minutes later she gets up
Looks in the mirror
Her skin is pale-- i'd say her face is pale, it's throws the reader off a bit to read skin in that repitition.

Her skin looks droopy
Her nose is red
She cant get out of her room like this
Her brother’s’ on the computer--this seems a meaningless sentence along with the next one. it doesn't go along with the theme and picture you've already created.

She Hides away some more --some more doesn't fit as well. try just saying she hides away.

Looks in the mirror one more time --instead of one more time, try again.

This time she sees past thing redness and paleness--thing should be the.

She sees the hideous monster
She looks deeper
And she sees a little girl crying, in pain and trying to escape…
Suddenly she starts to cry again--this over all was amazing. i loved it especially this ending it was great!

That was a really beautiful piece.
You are an amazing writer.

Very raw and real I liked it. I think almost everyone will be able to relate to this poem its emotional and in some ways kind of beautiful. Your poem could use just a bit of work and you can make it memorable.