Published April 30, 2012
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Canary word: Present
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140,496 Literary Works • 673,252 Reviews
Hey Aliyah! What a short piece! However, I'll try to give in my review.
Firstly, I really like the concept of the piece. It's very straightforward. There are no twists and turns, just your message told in beautifully crafted verses. I do take schadenfreude over how people are sometimes stupid, but your advocacy is pure, and although short, it shows so much emotion that I felt it.
Here are some stuff I'd like you to see.
I think using 'over' instead of 'of' can make it more powerful.
First, it would be better that a punctuation be put somewhere here. (Hint: something you) Other than that, I think you should really expand that 'something'. See, it's getting a bit interesting there, and you hung us. Hanging readers is good, but the hanging the line had just pulled the curiosity down. Maybe you could share to us more about it?
Well, that's all I can say for now, but I do hope that I helped! Thanks for the read!
Your pal,
Al
GOOD STUFF
1. Meaning
2. The firmness in the message
3. Conventions
BAD STUFF
1. I think it was a bit too short
Overall, I liked this poem, it teaches a valuable life lesson and the period at the end gives it the perfect way to finnish it off.
My rating:4*s
My favorite part:
You have controll of your life
Only you can change it
Love the ones who love you
Once you've done something you can't go back.
Keep it up!
w&w