Okay, I just wanted to say that this is only a small amount of my novel so far, but I will have more up as soon as possible, I'm editing it so I'm not finished I need a lot of advice to pour it on me I don't care what the tone of the critisism, I need to hear everything. Hopefully I'll have the next page up by the end of this week. So here it is.
Chapter 1. In This World
It was cold, cold as ice, cold as death, and when I touched it I froze. I was not sure how much longer I could handle this cold... this freezing cold.
"I'm going to make everything okay. you have been in a car accident but I don't know how much longer you can make it," I could hear a man's voice talking softly to me. I was sure that I had lost consciousness. Who knew how long I had been out for? "I have to do this I'm sorry." I could still hear the mans voice, but after a minute I didn't anymore... I didn't hear anything.
A pain... a sharp shooting pain entered into my body. I tried hard not to scream but it was too much... a loud scream tore through the darkness, what was this darkness.
I couldn't tell how long I was out before I cam back but now... just this second when I woke up I wasn't so cold anymore, "Where am I?" I asked, realizing the strong senses I now had... the ones like the smell of orange blossom and vanilla, the grained woods, the tiny grains that made up the wood, everything... I noticed everything.
"You're back; how do you feel?" A woman's voice spoke.
"I'm fine," I paused for a moment to try composing my thoughts, "just confused," I sprang up in the bed that I had been lying in, "why am I not cold anymore?" I asked still confused... the cold had been replaced by a nagging thirst... my throat burned, a dull burn, but still a burn... a slowly growing burn, "Annea... where is Annea?"
"Don't be afraid," There was a familiarity in this mans voice that I couldn't remember, "my name is Christiaan and that is Jessicarlie; you should know the others." The man introduced himself and the woman.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy....so this is a pretty neat little start that you've got right here. I think you've done a pretty good job with the bits of suspense and mystery created here, there's a slightly iffy transition in there but for the most part I think its done pretty well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh, this is a neat start right here. You definitely manage to get the attention of a reader rather powerfully with this, we can clearly see the POV character in some serious pain there and they appear to be just about trying to get by while perhaps having called for help there and its quite the scene here. Great start to the story here.
Okayy...well it looks like this person has just died or perhaps gotten knocked out and has woken up in some other somewhat paradise like place here after healing. Its a very interesting scene here, we see the pain there reach a climax and this person properly blacking out in a powerful piece there and then suddenly we have a description of what appears to be a really nice place there and then there's someone asking them how they feel after waking up. Its certainly quite a scene here.
Ooooh well that suggests that something very interesting is going on there that perhaps we don't quite yet have all the context required to understand. Its a really interesting moment there and makes for a nice little cliffhanger. The transition from the whole in pain and in the middle of some sort of accident to safe in a mysterious location is a bit quick and a little bit predictable, but it is always interesting and I think this is a decent start to this story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you've done a pretty good job here and its a solid start. There's maybe on little thing to consider fixing there but otherwise this is doing pretty well here I believe. I'm certainly interested enough to want to read more.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
before I cam back but now should be 'came'
I didn't notice any other major grammar issues. In terms of the general writing style I think it can come across as a bit stilted, partly because of the number of ... remember you can achieve a lot with standard punctuation. Maybe it's just me but I always think of ... as a cheat I try to use it only in speech and even then sparingly. Also this kind of sounds silly
"the kind of pain that makes you want to scream. I didn't want to scream" I think I know what your getting at but maybe try "want to scream. I tried hard but it was too much... ect"
I also think that you should wait a bit longer to get to the "a vampire" i understand getting the story going but let me wonder for a bit.
There wasn't much to go on being short but I look forward to the next part of the story.
PM me with any questions/abuse
Quibbons Quill