Published January 19, 2012
Broken hearts,
falling tears,
you know why
I'm frozen here.
You think I'll forgive,
but I won't forget,
say you want to keep,
but I will not let
Don't try standing in my way,
I'll push you aside and leave you,
you wonder why I hate you so much,
I've moved on because it's far too overdue.
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140,496 Literary Works • 673,253 Reviews
Hi there! I see that this looks like it yearns for a review by me, so here I am, about to give it to you. I'll go stanza to stanza so here I begin. (only three stanzas
)
I just had to speak up. This is truly beautiful, and I'm surprised it didn't have a like yet.
Spoiler
This stanza is a great way to begin the poem. All that bothers me is about that last line. One question just swims in my mind, why are you FROZEN?
Where are you frozen? (More than one question x.x) I'm sure an extra stanza after the first could answer that, but make it clear and simple.
Nitpick. A period should be at the end of the stanza. It make it look a little incomplete. I'm sure it would bother a ton of people.
Another thing is that the last line felt forced. It felt like you needed something that flows and has good rhythm, and that was what you got. Also, what do you need to keep?
More questions may come, prepare.
The first thing that stood out to me is the last line when I was reading this. "Overdue" was most like used to rhyme with "too", am I correct? Although that might be a good use of language in a poem, "late" is much more simpler and easier to use. Instead of looking for rhyme, trying searching for something that makes sense. Sometimes it's syllables, other times it might be rhythm. It just varies. Also, last line, you should add a "but" before any other word. That will be later explained.
You can always add more other periods in stanzas. This is a great example. After the first line, period. Second line, period. Third line, period or maybe not. You choose.
Third line also showed hatred to me or maybe it's the opposite. I don't know. For starters, delete "so much". It doesn't really help at all. Besides that, the first you should be changed into "you'll".
"But" needs to get in there because then it makes more sense with the third line. It's the best I could do at least.
You should a lot of potential as a poet. Keep up the good work!
Hey Aliyah!
Your poem was short and sweet, but I honestly thought there was a lot more you could have written. For example, try writing a little more about how the narrator felt, or how her heart was broken (which is what I'm assuming happened). The concept was good, and the rhyme scheme too. But towards the end, the flow of the poem broke. I think that was mainly because the lines in the first two stanzas were short, but the ones in the last stanza were too long. So my suggestions to you:
In this stanza, "fallin" should have a "g" at the end, and I thought it would be better to make "tear" plural, because it just sounds better that way.
I separated the lines in this stanza, so the flow doesn't break off as much. Then again, it's your poem and if you're happy with it this way, it's good.
Besides that, I really liked your poem.
Keep Writing!
~HPR~