Published December 12, 2011
I was taken aback by your words,
as you turned and walked away,
"Don't abandon me
don't leave me alone"
I screamed.
My heart was fractured,
tears rolling down my face,
I called out
"I'm trapped in here inside
my head"
nothing but
a deafening emptiness replied,
a sound I did not enjoy.
Alone in the dark
I continued to cry
my knees curled up to my chest
my arms around my knees
I caught a tear with my sleeve.
Discouraged I began to think,
"What happens when you're on the brink,
of life, of death, of misery...
don't think like that you'll be okay."
I tried to hide my fear.
The room was filled
with light,
with dark,
with shadows dancing in an ark,
around the floor,
around my lifeless body.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
I just loved that! I really enjoyed reading this poem, and it's written in such a way that there's beauty in such a little amount of words. The way you spaced out your lines has real etiquette, and I hate it when poems are too chunky. Your use of free verse was beautiful and the imagery was amazing, it has a sort of eerie kind of feel to it... and I'm sure that's how you meant for it to be! Keep writing
Hey there, just here to return the favor for your review on Fairytales.
You have a nice rhythm established by the middle of the poem, but I feel a bit lost before that. Not by the content or your words, just by the rhythm. This is just simply a personal opinion, so feel free to discard it. I just thought I'd share my two cents worth. Anyway, you are a good poet and you certainly have a way with words. I really enjoyed this!
This was different...in a good way, don't worry
~Jess
I like this, I really do.
You show the effort you put but at the same time you kept it simple and understandable. You surely showed emotion throughout the whole text.
Good Job, I will check your profile for more writings.
Cheers,
Vincent Q.
I like the simplicity you used, I think it had a positive effect on showing how someone could feel after a break-up (this is what I asume it to be...). The way in which you don't explain what's going on properly ('Show, don't tell') also adds to the emotions, but discreetly, which I like. For example, instead of saying 'I feel sad' you say 'I caught a tear with my sleeve.'
I think it's clever how you managed to use vocabulary which was slightly sisnister and dark, fitting into the theme, which is what a lot of people forget to do when creating an atmosphere of some sort. Over all, I really enjoyed this.
I enjoyed this even though I like romance poems better, I only found one mistake though.
It's suppose to be.
"Don't abandon me don't leave me alone"
Other then that you did a great job on your poem, keep up the good work!