z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Echo and Phoenix (Part 4)

by AliceinBluue


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

STORMBRINGER MURDERS INNOCENT WOMAN

Nicole felt like the face of Carly Johnson was staring at her from everywhere she turned on campus. The sophomore had been murdered only three days ago, but Nicole was positive she would be able to describe her years from now.

They had used a picture of her from what must have been her high school graduation because she was wearing a blue graduation robe and cap with a short purple dress and wedges. Her smile must have been a mile wide and Nicole could only imagine how excited she must have been at that moment, her whole life stretching out in front of her.

And now it was all gone. All of it ripped away in a single moment because someone had decided she did not matter enough to keep her alive.

The school was encouraging people who knew Carly to go to counseling, and part of Nicole wanted to go. She was not sure if the anger and panic she had felt when she first saw the news and the aching sadness she felt every time she saw Carly’s picture a normal thing. But she had not actually known Carly. And she felt like going would be false, like she was faking everything. She felt like going to counseling would be taking attention from Carly and the people who actually knew her. Like she would be taking attention away from Deanna.

Deanna who apparently knew the victim. Deanna who kept breaking down and crying. Nicole just could not justify going to counseling in the face of what Deanna was going through. It just felt like she was an imposter, taking the tragedy and making it about her.

Nicole felt her phone buzz in her pocket and slid it out to check why. There was a notification from her Facebook saying that she had been invited out to a vigil for Carly. She started at the notification, not wanting to open it up just yet, because as soon as she opened it up, she was going to have to make a decision.

Her phone buzzed again and a text message from Michelle popped onto the screen.

Michelle: Did you see theyre holding a vigil?

Nicole sighed and unlocked her phone, no way to avoid it now.

Me: Yeah, i saw

Me: Got the facebook invite to prove it

Michelle: Deanna got invited too

Michelle: Says she’s going

Me: Dosent she have a class???

Michelle: Says she doesnt care and is going anyways

Me: Guess that means im going too then…

Nicole opened up her Facebook app and confirmed that she was going to the vigil before closing out of the app and turning her phone off and slipping it back into her pocket. She felt her phone buzz a few more times, but she did not want to see what was going on. Did not want to be connected at the moment. She would check again in a few hours, after she had finished up her homework, but for right now, she just wanted to be angry that someone innocent had died.

March 13th

Nicole was not sure that it had been a great idea to insist that they have a practice today. It had started out fine, but then halfway through, it had started to rain and now everyone was soaked.

“Remind me why you created an Ultimate Frisbee team three-fourths of the way into the school year?” Deanna asked as she jogged up to Nicole.

“It seemed like the thing to do,” Nicole said, shrugging her shoulders and getting ready for her turn to run for the frisbee, "Besides, we're all having fun, right?"

“At least it seems like it might be letting up now,” Deanna said, sticking her hands out into the air and lifting her face to the sky to feel the rain, her eyes crinkling up and ignoring Nicole's question. Nicole laughed and gently shoved Deanna, throwing the other girl slightly off balance. Deanna laughed and turned back to Nicole.

“You’re up next,” She said, gesturing with her chin to whatever was happening over Nicole’s shoulder. Nicole rolled her eyes goodheartedly and turned around to face the person up next to throw the frisbee. She could feel her body tensing up with the best type of adrenaline, ready to sprint for the plastic disk.

Then there was a loud crack that echoed across the field and it seemed as if the storm had gotten worse because there was lightning dancing across er vision, racing towards her and all Nicole could do was stand there and watch it grow closer.

“Get down!” Deanna screamed from behind Nicole and Nicole felt her friend tackle her to the ground as the lightning roared over their heads. The next thing Nicole knew, she was flying through the air, unable to see anything but white.

She hit the ground hard and felt all of the air rush out of her lungs, her ears still ringing. She gasped, trying to bring air back into her lungs but ended up coughing and choking on the breath instead.

As she lay on the dirt and tried to get ther breath back, she felt a hand rest on her arm. She tried to pull her arm away from the hand, not wanting anything unknown touching her. But then the hand was applying pressure on her arm and she could not move it. Still her instincts were screaming at her that she was in danger, so she struggled to get away from the person pinning her.

Then Deanna was leaning over her and Nicole relaxed, because even though there was mud and blood smeared across her face and her eyes looked a little unfocused, it was still Deanna. Deanna was here, Deanna was safe.

It took Nicole a second to realize that Deanna was attempting to speak to her. She could see the other girl’s mouth moving, could understand that she should be able to hear her, but there was nothing but ringing in Nicole’s ears at the moment. So she shook her head and tried to point at her ear with the arm that was still pinned beneath Deanna’s hand.

When she remembered that she could not move that arm, she attempted to move her other arm and white hot pain bloomed from her arm. All she could focus on was how much it hurt, oh god it hurt.

There were hands on her face and she realized that at some point she had closed her eyes. She opened them and was met with Deanna’s frantic face. Her throat felt scratchy and she realized she must have started screaming at some point.

Nicole could see another streak of dazzling white light cross the corner of her vision and Deanna threw herself over Nicole, shielding her as the ground under them rumbled and shook. It was as she was being protected by Deanna that she realized what was happening.

She had just had lightning thrown at her, someone was still throwing lightning. Stormbringer was here.

The ringing in Nicole’s ears started to fade with the shaking of the latests explosion and she could hear the supervillian cackling not too far away,

“Don’t get up” Deanna said into her ear. Nicole was confused, why would she want to get up? There was a supervillian throwing lightning in the near vicinity. She was perfectly fine staying here and playing dead.

She tried to express this to Deanna, but then Deanna started shifting and trying to get up and all thoughts of staying still and playing dead flew right out of her head. No way in hell was she going to let her best friend stand up while Stormbringer was still throwing lightning.

“Stay. Down,” Deanna growls, shoving Nicole back into the mud before rising to her feet.

Nicole was frantic now. She had to get to her feet, she had to save her friend, she could not let Deanna end up like Carly.

“Phoenix my dear!” Stormbringer called out as lightning started corellesing in hand, “Where are you?” He drew his arm back and threw the lightning across the field, fully turning his back to them.

Nicole knew that this was her chance, maybe her last chance, to save her friend. She started to struggle to her feet and was rewarded with Deanna’s foot pushing her chest back into the mud, and Nicole could not resist.

“Hey asshole!” Deanna called, her voice carrying across the field to Stormbringer, who whipped around to face Deanna. Nicole knew that this was it, Deanna was about to die. She closed her eyes and turned her face away, she could not watch her friend die.

“I’m right here!” Deanna yelled, her voice sounded sure and strong. Nicole let out a sob. She could practically picture her friend standing proud in the rain, making herself a target to try and spare another person. And she could not watch, because she knew what was going to happen next.

She squeezed her eyes shut as she heard Stormbringer cackle and someone in the distance screamed. Nicole’s heart wrenched as she heard the lightning come screaming towards them and knew that Deanna was about to die and there was nothing she could possibly do.

Then there was a loud bang, like a gun had gone off and Nicole flinched into the ground. And then there was silence, Nicole could hear nothing, not even the rain.

“Are you okay?” Someone new asked from behind her. Nicole whipped her head around and opened her eyes to stare at the stranger.

They were tall, that was the first thing Nicole noticed. And they seemed torn, their body was turned towards Nicole, and they were looking at Nicole, but their arm was outstretched towards Deanna.

And that was when Nicole realized that both she, Deanna, and this stranger were all encompassed by a purple bubble. Her eyes flicked back to the stranger’s face, taking in the fact that they were wearing a mask, Echo’s mask.

“Oh my god,” Nicole said.

“Please, are you okay?” Echo asked again.

Nicole nodded her head rapidly, to trusting herself not to start babbling about how much of a fan she was.

Echo sighed, their shoulders drooping, before turning to Deanna, dropping his arm to step closer to her. Deanna was still facing the outside of the bubble so Echo ended up standing right behind her shoulder.

“Are you okay?” They asked, their voice holding a tender note, butting his hand on her shoulder. Nicole’s brain was starting to connect dots, but she did not want to think about the conclusion that was becoming more and more obvious.

“He knows who I am,” Deanna said, and something in her voice sounded broken beyond repair.

“I’m so sorry Dee,” Echo said.

“Drop the bubble,” Deanna said, voice hardening till it was like rock, taking something from Echo’s hands, “I’m gonna make him pay for it.”

And Deanna put on Phoenix’s mask as Echo’s purple bubble dropped away from them.


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Wed Mar 21, 2018 1:12 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there! I haven't read the rest of the story, but I hope I can do this part justice in a review.

Deanna being Phoenix came across as a major plot twist even though I haven't read the rest of the story. So I don't know how well the plot twist was set up, but I think it was executed well. Actually, without having read the story at all, I thought that Nicole was Phoenix - just because she knew who the supervillain was and felt guilty about her innocent friends dying - but I think I figured it out before Nicole did. I actually really like the moment when Deanna responds to Stormcloud's "Phoenix, where are you" with "I'm right here" but Nicole is just freaking out so much about her friend's impending death that she doesn't catch on at all.

(Plus, she did just get struck by lightning.)

I also really liked this part.

The school was encouraging people who knew Carly to go to counseling, and part of Nicole wanted to go. She was not sure if the anger and panic she had felt when she first saw the news and the aching sadness she felt every time she saw Carly’s picture a normal thing. But she had not actually known Carly. And she felt like going would be false, like she was faking everything. She felt like going to counseling would be taking attention from Carly and the people who actually knew her. Like she would be taking attention away from Deanna.


This is something I think people don't talk about but we all kind of know how it feels when something traumatic happens: you might feel sad, angry, or panicked, but if the tragedy didn't happen directly to you then you're not sure you're really allowed to feel that way. It was such a real detail and I really appreciated it.

However, I thought it was inconsistent with this text later on.

Michelle: Deanna got invited too

Michelle: Says she’s going

Me: Dosent she have a class???


Clearly Nicole understands what Deanna's going through; why is it such a shock that Deanna would skip a class to go to a vigil for her dead friend?

I also thought some of the character emotions were inconsistent in this installment. Admittedly, I don't know the characters very well because I haven't read previously. But Deanna, for example. Early in the chapter, Nicole is worried about her/doesn't want to take attention away from her grief, and Deanna says that she's going to skip class to go to a vigil for Carly. Later in the chapter, they're playing Ultimate Frisbee in the rain and having a great time like nothing bad has happened. It's fine if Deanna's the kind of person to mask her grief and throw herself into games/schoolwork/whatever to distract herself, but wouldn't Nicole know her better than that? Wouldn't Nicole recognize how much she's hurting and maybe see some signs of it even though Deanna's trying to hide them? But instead it comes across like they've all forgotten that a friend and classmate just died, despite the heavy emotion at the start of the chapter.




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Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:41 am
Sujana says...



Hey! I know it says this is the final part, but by any chance are you going to continue this in any other works? A sequel or a spin off of some sort maybe?




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Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:34 pm
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deleted221222 wrote a review...



Hello, I’m Thundahguy. Finally here to review your fourth and final chapter of Echo and Phoenix. I’m going to give you a full, harsh, professional review of your entire story. Let’s get this over with already:

Echo and Phoenix is an attempt at writing a superhero story from the perspective of a normal civilian whose closely related with the one of the main superheroes themselves. It does a good attempt at trying to incorporate the daily life, fear, and excitement with leaving in a superhero society, but falls short in terms of actual plot and characterization.

Story
The story is very simple. Nicole [Something or other] is a big magical creature fan, and the emergence of the heroes Echo and Phoenix excite her. She lives life with her friends Michelle and Parker, who are equally large fans, as well as Deanna, her best friend. When the villain Stormbringer arrives, Nicole has to deal with how the world is reacting to a real threat.

It’s a very simple premise in theory, but it isn’t executed very well. Mainly the tone of the story changes from excitement to despair very quickly, but it shifts through different levels until the final part. The story also focuses too much on either the superheroes or Nicole, but never tries to intertwine them in a way besides one brief moment when Parker is held hostage. It doesn’t come up again in the final part, however.

Characters
The characters are bit better than the story itself, as it tries too hard to focus on them. Nicole as a protagonist is confusing and conflicted. She understands the threat Stormbringer has to her life, but her character devolves incredibly quickly. The way she acts at the end of the first half is a sudden change, and doesn’t progress much further afterwords.

The side characters are where this story shines, however. They aren’t featured as much as Nicole, but they are much more involved than she is. They act more like actual people than Nicole does, especially in their emotions. They start off like she is, with an excitement in magical creatures, and they fall into despair much more naturally.

Deanna is the best example of a good side character. She doesn’t exactly like magical creatures like her friends, but she’s still supports them. There’s layers to her character that are teased at, but aren’t fully executed on. I feel like the foreshadowing for her is obvious and doesn’t do much justice for her character.

Final Thoughts
Overall, I’d like to give this a 6/10 based on what I have covered so far. There’s something intriguing here that blends modern life and social media with superheroes, but Nicole as a character and the over reliant focus on her actions dull the entire story.

Spoiler! :
Sorry if I was a bit too harsh




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Mon Feb 05, 2018 4:31 am
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AliceinBluue says...



@Mmellowme the final part, part four!!!!





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