Young Writers Society

I like how this doesn't really focus on their emotions at all, but that's the main thing you notice. It's like foreground-background and the poem itself is a background that you can only access the unwritten foreground through reading, then once you see it, it's clear. Beautiful. And even though it's free verse, it still sounds generally poetic to me through some sort of vague pattern in the lines (a lot of free verse ends up reading like prose to me and then I get irritated with it). So good work.

I like your balance between the story and the imagery. I love the theme of vulnerability and bleakness.

In the poem, the two people are in a room, an enclosure, their own smaller world, and you can really feel the magnitude of the storm as it infringes on their well being.

But the poem is also romantic, the feeling of terror, maybe that's not the right word, has a physical effect on the two people. They sweat and their skin flushes. It's almost as if the storm's magnitude, its uncertainty, builds a fiery passion between the two people.

In the end, the poem switches from the personal to a much broader question of empathy. Do other people feel the same way?

brilliant stuff,
thanks

Hi! Sahib the Scribe here and I just want to say a few things about your poem.

First of all, I truly love the vulnerability theme to the poem because anyone can relate. I do not think there is a human being on the planet that at one point or another has not felt vulnerable. Also the image of an "outside world" versus the image of the "overheated room" is a very strong contrast, and I appreciate how you also juxtaposed the temperature aspect as well. All in all the message is very strong and it is evident that you put a lot of thought into this piece. The only thing I would say is that maybe you can clarify a little better why you chose the line endings that you did and why the stanzas are broken down that way. Each signals a significant break in thought, but I don't see a pervading pattern to the stanzas that could increase the depth of the poem significantly. Just a thought though. That might not be your style, but I could see it taking this poem to the next level. These layers create reread value, and that is something intensely powerful about short poetry like this. It is the endless possibility of a reader to read and reread and re-experience the message your poem offers.

In conclusion, a really solid piece haha! Keep writing! I love it

Your imagery in this poem is very well done. Of course, in a descriptive poem like this, imagery is a key theme, but you pull it off fluidly and naturally. Your stanzas are well formed around central ideas, and I love the recurring theme of vulnerability as a young person as well as under nature, i.e. "where no one could find us/where the storm would never reach us." You do an excellent job of combining and interlacing the two themes! Very well done. I'm not one to write and compose poems myself, so I'm a little thrown off by the abrupt sentence breaks when you change lines in a few stanzas, but this poem overall is a remarkable anecdote and it is beautifully written. Keep up the good work!

Hi! I really liked this poem and thought it flowed really well, with your use of caesura to steady the pace.

I really admire how distant you've made the people in the poem seem, from the actual world around. You describe them as being in their own "little world", and they question if there are "others like us?". This is rather relatable because when people are scared they tend to forget everything else {trembling at the uncertainty} is their only focus. I like how you've done that.

On another hand, when you say...

"i wonder if it is in our nature
to tremble at the uncertainty
of the world outside our walls.
are there others like us?"

I feel like it could be a microcosm for something else. It actually made me think of the war, people outside in the world around are afraid and uncertain of war impacts- hearing explosions outside alike thunder in a sense. You in your overheated room are frightened at the noise outside which is on a minor scale compared to war. But maybe I am overthinking things xD .

I also really like your use of the simile in regards to moles - I thought that was quite nice to add and almost gives a better understanding of the situation.

Overall I thought this was really good and have little criticism. I wasn't really keen on the simile about pop rocks but I guess that's me being picky xD. So well done