Young Writers Society

Yolo peps!!!! Lady here for another amazing review!!!! Good gravy!!!!! I do believe that most of my recent reviews have been poems, can I actually start to enjoy poetry?!?!?! Anyway, I love this ending!!!! Also how you kept the reader to read on is really interesting. I really liked how you said " taunting her in despicable amusement." this really helps the reader know that the girl REALLY wants to go outside and play in the rain with the other children. I have a feeling that this is basically most of my childhood... Must leave before I get too caught up in self emotions!!!!XD Bye peoples!!! LadyRanicorn out!!!!

HEY HERE MEMORYHUNTER (I know, I switched them up xD)

So this is my second review. I didn't review the other works because the other guys already summed up what I was going to say ;-;.

Okay, let's get to it, shall we?

As observed, you're getting better at this poetry thing-y. Slowly, but surely, you're moving out of the bubble and stuff like that. Well, I just realized that you're incorporating some of the novel writing style into your poems and that's okay. Actually, that's nice. Makes storytelling more effective.

For the beginning, I must say it's cool, awesome, descriptive as always. You tend to be descriptive about things and that's what I like about your work. I am horrible at describing. Super horrible. In fact, I am horrible at anything that has to do with describing fictional things. I do non-fiction a lot more because it helps me picture stuff.

As for the end, I was not much satisfied. I expected something different, something more unique than "if everyone was alike, boring boring boring" because I see this idea a lot. But it's nice because you get to incorporate it into your work. It's just that as a poet I imagine poems to be not so cliche. Well, I guess it's just me. xD

Anyways, I liked this poem, but not as much as the others. (THOUGH IT'S STILL GREAT BECAUSE YOU DEVELOPED SO MUCH IN A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME, HAVE YOU DEALT WITH THE WRITING COUNTERPART OF STEROIDS OR SOMETHING?)

Hi Alice

First off I think this is a lovely poem, it has a lot of emotion coming out of it.
Before I tell you how much I LOVED it, there was only one thing that threw me off; "Why can't I play outside? She questioned. Because you're not like other children, darling." then the last two lines "How so? she asked. Well... you just are." Instead of you are it should be you aren't, like you just aren't like other children. Besides that I love the deeper meaning and the moral, and the sadness makes me sad too.

This is a very heartfelt and meaningful poem, keep on writing!

Hello Alice!

So much lovely poetry coming from you. I'm seeing a trend of sugar and sweetness, is this a series you're doing?

Well, on to this poem specifically. I really like the concept of this narrative piece that tells the story of a sugar-child wanting to play in the rain with the other children, and I get the idea of mother-voice speaking reason. Conceptually, the piece is cute and interesting, and I do like the idea.

Now, let's talk execution. First! Technicalities so as to get them out of the way. I might re-work the "at the solemn sight, the constant repetition" line because it doesn't really say anything to me and it seems to sound forced. Is it trying to rhyme sight with light? If so -- it may be too far spaced out to provide too much of an effect. Also, the sentence itself is not really meaningful. We get that she is looking overhead at the rain - but why is the rain a solemn sight for Marigold, shouldn't she be excited because she wants to play in it so badly? Also, "constant repetition" is almost superfluous. If it is repeating then it is implying a serial occurrence already. It's kind of like saying "always forever" they both say the same thing.

I would also re-work the "out of" in the "taunting her out of despicable amusement line" -- Would it be clearer to say "in amusement" ? Or "taunt her amusingly?"

While I was reading, when I got to the end I felt disappointed. I didn't feel like the poem evoked the feeling of disappointment - it would've been one thing if the poem made me feel as disappointed as Marigold felt when her mother told her not to play with the children - I actually felt disappointed because the end felt arbitrary. There was a flow to the piece, and then all of a sudden there was a "the end" and I was like, "whut, that's it?"

I think I feel this way because the "Well.... you just are" answer is not good enough for what the poem promises to deliver. Some of the best conflicts in life tend to be those where the human heart becomes conflicted with itself and the poem presents an opportunity in highlighting one of those conflicts. How does a mother feel in being the voice-of-reason? In seeing young child Marigold and on one half, wanting your child to play and be merry and get along with the other children, but on the other half - knowing that she cannot do this, because the water is too dangerous for her. As a reader, I might suggest to highlight and elevate this conflict, it makes the poem interesting! But instead, we sort of side-step it and avoid it all together.

Other than those things I've noticed, I thought it a good work. Keep up the writing!

~ as always, Audy