Deleted

by Alice

  • Short Story

Published April 4, 2009

Deleted.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Sachiko
Comment
Sachiko commented Comment · May 9, 2009

Locked by the author's request.

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Esther Sylvester
Review
Esther Sylvester wrote a review Review · Apr 5, 2009

This was quite interesting. I enjoyed most of it. There were some passages that I couldn't help but smile at. There are some things that I noticed, though.



And I remembered the one friend who I had known so little about. His name was Alex, and thats really all I knew about him. He had moved when I was in the second grade, I didn't know anything about him since.

I agree with the previous statement, it would be clearer if you had said, "Moved away". Also, change "thats" to "that's"


This created laughter, though it did fly right over my head.

This sentence doesn't make much sense to me. You're basically saying that people aren't supposed to laugh when someone ducks under a ball because you said, "though" I know the way I said that didn't make much sense. I think it would have sounded better if you said something like, "The ball flew right over my head, causing much laughter."






A smile curved on my lips and I opened my eyes to the sky.

I love this line, but for a bit I thought she was still in her flash back. I didn't know she had gone back to her tree-sitting position. Make a transition.



I looked down at the ground, I was sure I could seriously hurt myself when I landed. Perfect. I shut my rational mind off. I positioned myself right and flung myself off the limb. I hit the ground. I'd say my knees buckled beneath me but really they hadn't, they just gave. I didn't roll like I probably should have, instead I just let my feet take all the impact.

I like this a lot.





[quote]Had I completely imagined the tree? The sky? Even when I looked back, I didn't remember feeling any pain. I wasn't as brave as I had thought. I needed to find a different tree.

Ha Ha! I loved this one.

Nicely done.

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pla303
Review
pla303 wrote a review Review · Apr 5, 2009

Wow, I love this. You've got nice little segways into the flashbacks. Just a couple things, though:

Music, if there was one thing I couldn't live without, it would be music. I was always listening to music one way or another. It was my friend when I didn't think I had any. I didn't like thinking about my friends lately; they were all off doing their own thing and I had nothing to do. So, I spent a lot of time alone, listening to music and climbing trees.

The first sentence is just awkward because it's technically a run-on sentence, and the repetition is odd. Maybe if it were "Music; if there..." or "Music.", then a new paragraph "If there..."
One day, when I had gotten myself up the tree, I closed my eyes and a memory came to my mind. I remembered when I was seven, and I remembered all ofmy friends [s]from that time too[/s].


His name was Alex, and that's really all I knew about him. He had moved away when I was in the second grade,

my little 7-year-old, pink skirt wearing self could


Even with people I had intentions when I met them, if I didn't, I wouldn't talk to them. I never did anything exciting or dangerous.

I wanted to.


The first part of this bit is confusing, I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but I thought the rest was brilliant.

it was only a seven foot drop, barely higher than my dad.



Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato