Romeo and Juliet a Twist in the Story

Hello there. I warn you beforehand that I shall be quite nitpicky in this review. Please don't take it personally. :D

My comments will be in dark blue.

Juliet sits against her window seal (Did you mean seat or sill?), her legs draped (Over what?) out into the cool night air. The silk nightdress, covering her bare body, flows loosely in the wind. The evening lies in repose with the stars as the wind sings the world a lullaby. (This sentence is a little confusing.) Staring out into the opened (The opened what?), Juliet keeps her gaze onto the dancing trees as the long, luxurious grass sways along with the wind. (Is Juliet paying attention to the grass as well?) She feels as if she is kept for rancor (Rancor is misused. Before you use a synonym from the thesaurus, it's always a good idea to look up its definition to make sure its the right word.) inside her own castle. However, there is no one watching over this thirteen-year-old child tonight as she quickly changes into the first dress she can find and slides out her window. She flies through the air, her gown flowing along with (Rather than "flowing along with", I think "floating around" works better.) her weightless body before she hits hard onto the earth. Juliet’s knees now take the color of red and black, her dress lamentably torn, but Juliet (You've already mentioned Juliet's name in this sentence. Use "she" instead.) hardly notices, her mind set on Romeo.

Juliet rushes through the waves of grass, past the creatures resting in their freedom (What do you mean by creatures resting in their freedom?), and into the starry night. White gentle petals (Using several adjectives at once is called stacking. Generally speaking, stacking adjectives is not a good thing.) form a crown around her small head, a cloak around her delicate body (What is a cloak around her body?). Juliet runs without stopping; she is required (Required? Who is ordering or forcing her to meet Romeo?) to meet with her true love tonight.

When Juliet finds Romeo, he is standing with his back away from (It's easier to understand if you just say "facing".) the still lake. Juliet stays in one place, having a heart attack simply at the sight of Romeo (Make it clearer that it's not a literal heart attack.). Dozens of fireflies circle her, brightening up the darkness. “Go Juliet! Go Juliet!” they discourse (Discourse is misused.) in their high-pitched voices. Juliet breathes and makes her way over towards Romeo.

She slips her fingertips along his collar bone, signaling him to turn towards her. Without much words ("Much words" implies that Romeo said something. What did he say?), Romeo presses his lips against Juliet’s. Over a thousand butterflies evolve (Misused.) inside Juliet’s stomach, but the butterflies soon turn black as she tastes someone else’s breath upon Romeo’s tongue. Pulling away(Need a comma here.) Juliet, stares into Romeo’s wide blue eyes. His face turns sallow (He turned yellow?). She reaches for his clenched fist and carefully pulls out the proof that the perjuries (Misused. You're basically saying that the lies made under oath are true.) are true. (What is this proof?) (I suggest starting a new paragraph here.) Juliet had always thought that Romeo loved her in idolatry (It is impossible to love someone in idolatry as love and idolatry are completely different things.), but right here there is a twist in her story. The grass changes into hard pavement, the pond turns into an old apartment building, and the fireflies become obnoxious cars, driving down a nearby highway. Worn out jeans and a simple T-shirt covers Juliet’s chilled body. Her rash (How can hair be impulsive or careless?) brown hair flies around wildly in the hard winds as a tear stains her red cheek. Juliet swallows the pain as it eats her alive. (Cliche imagery. Try describing to us exactly what Juliet is feeling, and how.) Backing out of the abandoned parking lot, she runs back home, regretting when that she has to tell her family they were right about Romeo all along.

Wow! I loved it! I thought it would be another annoying sappy, mushy love story. I didn't expect the last part. And it was that part that made it awesome! I love how you described everything in the story. Hope you keep it up. Is there going to be a part two? If there is, could you PM me please? ^_^

THis would be a WAY better ending then them both dying.

Awesome awesome AWESOME story! Please please write a sequel! PM if you do! OK, the only typo I spotted was in the last paragraph when you said,

"Pulling away Juliet, stares into Romeo’s wide blue eyes. His face turns sallow."

This is really picky, but I think you should put the comma before Juliet. Great job!-maegardens

Surely he's over Rosaline?

I thought the ending was done very, very well. I wasn't expecting the twist at all, as I figured you were just puppeting Shakespeare’s characters. I loved the parallel you drew between your male character and Romeo, that really helps explain about the depth of her feelings towards him, and establishes just how much his betrayal has hurt her in such a short time! A round of applause for that! Seriously, that is something you'll find most amazing writers struggle with - the ability to get the reader to connect to the MC in such a short period of time, and make them care enough about them to want to read on. (This is where I ask if you could possibly PM me if you do post more of this, pleeease? ;D)

However, I know people are a little unsure about the combination of their "Romeo and Juliet" relationship, and their ages. Yes, the characters are thirteen, and changing their ages isn’t preferable, but maybe you could tone down some aspects of their relationship a little. For example,

she tastes someone else’s breath upon Romeo’s tongue.

Juliet sits against her window seal,

Thanks for the comments guys. I wrote this when I was in the middle of reading romeo and juliet and yes they were bothe thirteen. This was originally for a school assighnment and I wasn't really planning on writting more, but I guess I could once I get my reviews all caught up.

WOW!!! you are an awesome writer! I loved this and Jessie's Kiss!!! GREAT JOB!!!

Hey there! I'm Kat, and I'll drop by for a short review. I see you're new Welcome to YWS!

So, let me just say something. I really, really liked this! It was refreshing and everything. There was simply three things bothering me.

One! The start. I know description is beautiful, but when I first started reading it, I wanted to almost immediately close the page. So, maybe only a starting description line? And then the others further down the story?

Two! Romeo. I absolutely did not get a clear image of him. I don't know who he is, what he does, why is he bad news and so on. Try to expand this, and make it more detailed onto the characters. Juliet also suffered a bit from its shortness.

Three! She was thirteen. Did that mean that the brown haired girl was also thirteen? If so, I think that in this kind of re make, that would be too young for people to actually connect very well. Even though I am fourteen <.<

Anyway, the ending was great! And your voice throughout the story was also very good. Meaning, I'll click the 'like' button and ask for more ^.^

Have a good day!
- Kat

"Cause we were both young, when I first saw you..." - Taylor Swift...
but are they too young to do something like that when they are still 13? lol.. hahaha

BTW, Hahahaha! It is freakin' nice, romantic and that twist was really good!

waiting for another twist..

Loved the story! great way to mix it up! i enjoyed reading and want to know who romeo's other love is!

aslan_radish24 wrote:sorry, but IS there going to be another part? i would like to know about it. don't want to ask too much, plus my review was long and not that helpful.
also sorry: that i had to send another reply. oops.

sorry, but IS there going to be another part? i would like to know about it. don't want to ask too much, plus my review was long and not that helpful.
also sorry: that i had to send another reply. oops.

let me just get one thing off my chest. love the ending. i really like how juliet ended up unhappy and rueful. that is so refreshing from a story. i was amazed at the description, detail. i don't know how you do it, but you have to be the best--whatever, describing person--ever! the serenity, the beauty at the beginning, then, with a sudden blast of denial, the strike of betrayal! you--it--just--WOW!!!!!
i think it is odd that she is so young. i haven't read Romeo and Juliet yet, so i am not sure how old they were, but i think it is just strange for such a young girl to already have a boyfriend, know that he's cheating on her, and to sneak out in the dead of night to see him.
i think that the present tense narration added a splash of imagination to the piece. i don't know how to describe it, but you know how you can just get certain vibes from writing--not exactly the voice, more the tone? it just sang out to me, this piece, and i think it's because of the present tense.
very nice, i could just FEEL the writing. really, good job!

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it!
I happen to be reading Romeo and Juliet! This is a wonderful TWIST to the story!
PM m=when the next part comes out also!
PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Keep it up!
Here to encourage,
TTT

Really, really liked this. I loved the twist in the end...it was very original. However I felt like a bit more describing could be done, perhaps a little more in length, too. You should definitely write another chapter to this or something, cuz I feel like it's not quite finished yet, and I'd totally read more. PM me if you do add anything else to it. Byee..

This is great! I always love love stories, they have a certain place in my heart as a thirteen yesar old girl. Overall, this is a well written piece. I think you could have described Romeo's facial experssion's more. Like maybe "His face turned dark. The beautiful blue eyes I loved so much had an angry glint in them. I gulped, and looked at the harsh face i used to love." I know that doesn't really fit in with the way you wrote this, but I think you should try to re-word it and work it in somewhere. And I really liked this. ALOT! Pm me if you write the next part, I'd love to know what happens next.

I love Romeo/Juliet rewrittings. I really hope you'll continue writing this. *Likes* I can't wait to see who Romeo's other love is and how this will all turn out. Can you please, please, please PM me if you write another chapter. Thank you!
-Crescent