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E - Everyone

Ideas.

by Alfredorca96


Every idea is valuable. Not mine, but every idea. I believe that being the author of a valuable idea is something a person should be very proud of. I won’t live as a puppet giving the best of me somewhere where such is not being required. I won’t give away the solution to a problem even if I know it, and that is only because I’m done giving my whole self to every person I interact with. I am the king of kings, praised along deities and immortals; acclaimed by the wise and rejected by the ignorants. My 100% will be shown only when the conditions are set, when the impact of that action answers the question: what am I capable of? Now it just remains to find out.


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Sun Apr 29, 2018 10:12 pm
Radrook says...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said


Thanks for sharing this composition in the forjm of a monologue which has the speaker making grandiose claims. It seems that the short story is striving to convey a personality out of touch with reality. The first indication is the illogical claim that every idea is valuable except his followed by the vehement argument that his idea is indeed valuable but the just doesn’t want to reveal it until the time is right. The composition is interesting from the psychological study viewpoint and could very well be used in an abnormal psychology course to illustrate such a condition.

I am very impressed on how well you conveyed such a mental state via this vehement argument!
Made suspect that you have actually encountered such a personality before.


Suggestions

Word Economy:

....when the impact of that action answers....[....when the revelation....]

.... give away the solution to a problem even though I know it.... [....reveal a problem’s solution.]
That you know it is a given. Otherwise you couldn’t be refusing to give it away.

....those I interact with. [....those I meet.]

---------
Punctuation

I won’t live as a puppet giving [I won’t live as a puppet[,] giving....]
acclaimed by the wise[,]
....and immortals;.... [....immortals,....] A semicolon is too strong of a pause. A comma will do.

....the question: what am I capable of?

[....the question: [W]hat am I capable of?] The question is a full sentence.

Every idea is valuable. Not mine, but every idea.
[self contradictory]

....remains to find out. [....remains to be found out.]

Looking forward to reading more of your work




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Sat Apr 07, 2018 2:29 pm
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Biluata wrote a review...



Top of the morning to you! At least, morning where I'm standing! Luata here to do a quick review. Please keep in mind that I haven't reviewed anything in a while and odds are, I'm kind of rusty. So bear with me. Also keep in mind that since you're the author, take everything I say with a grain of salt, as I'm no expert. If you have any questions/want to discuss anything, I'm open to take PMs and the such and would be more than happy to have a conversation with you! Onward and upward!

First Impression

This was not exactly what I was expecting from the title. So my first thought was, wow, that's really short. But I do agree with Radrook. You packed a lot into a couple of sentences and that's a really good skill to have (a skill that I have yet to master, as you can tell from my super verbose reviews). My first read-through I noticed a few problems with the way that your writing flows (which I feel like is really important for poetry and short pieces) but I loved the idea. I can totally understand where you're coming from too. The school that I go to is really into the group work and everything to "promote understanding and foster creativity" and I call bs. Group work the is the bane of my scholarly existence.

Flow/Grammar

I'm putting these two segments together because I feel like some of your flow issues would be resolved really quickly if you just change or remove a couple of things. Again, some of this is purely aesthetical editing so please take what I say with a grain of salt. I don't necessarily know what choices you made are style choices.

Not mine, but every idea


This isn't a sentence, but it's set apart like one. I would recommend combining it with the first sentence of the piece? I think that that would help your first sentence ease into the second one, which would make it a bit more pleasing to read?

I won’t live as a puppet giving the best of me somewhere where such is not being required.


Such is a bit of an awkward word to use. I would replace such with the idea that you're replacing. It's acting a bit as a placeholder here, and I'd say, don't use a placeholder there. I would rewrite as so:

I won't live as a puppet giving the best of me somewhere where my efforts are not being required

Or something like that. I think you could also omit "being" without losing the effect that you're striving for.

I won’t give away the solution to a problem even if I know it, and that is only because I’m done giving my whole self to every person I interact with.


I'd love to see you elaborate on this. I think adding a more personal touch could really amplify the point that you're trying to make with this piece. I know that it would add a lot of length, but I can see a lot of personal essay potential in that line. Just saying! :D

My 100% will be shown only when the conditions are set, when the impact of that action answers the question: what am I capable of?


This isn't really an issue with grammar or flow but I really liked this sentence and I just wanted to point that out. I would, for purely asethetical reasons, nix the comma and add an and instead. I feel like that would contribute more to the overall flow of the piece.

Final Thoughts

Bravo! This is a really well done short piece and I applaud you for that. As a generally loquacious writer, this type of thing is really tough for me and it's always exciting to see other people excelling at it. I hope to see more of your works in the future!
~Luata




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Sat Apr 07, 2018 1:53 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend.
It isn’t my intention.

Please feel full free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true
by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Very interesting informal essay! Very impressive how the author provides a thesis statement declaring all ideas valuable except his and then goes about providing evidence in support by showing why his idea or ideas are totally worthless.

Very humorous and completely contrary to what would generally be expected. Made me chuckle! Not easy for me to decipher at first, but it was definitely worth the read and the effort. Provides an excellent example of the use of irony and how such a short composition can be profound and entertaining at the same time.

About the formatting, well, there are no spelling errors and the read was smooth. The only suggestion is the one below. Other than that I find it flawless.

suggestion:

....just remains to be found out.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.





you ever say spidgit finner unironically?
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