z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

She's Here!

by Alfonso22


She’s here after twenty-three years and she’s ripe

With insults, and vile accusations and strife,

Insulting me up to the hell of a hilt.

She plunges her dagger deep into my kilt..

Twisting it twice while it’s deeply inside.

I do not dare whimper because of my pride.

I do no dare utter a soft single sound,

But keep my amazement fixed firm on the ground.

She’s here, and she’s wroth while I’m writhing in pain.

She’s here and she slivers my gonads again.

I dare give a whimper but nothing much more,

As she silently waits for compassion implored.

She’s here after twenty three years seeking me!

Bedazzled I stand and unable to flee.

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31 Reviews

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Tue Apr 07, 2020 3:36 am
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Alfonso22 says...



Revised Version of the Poem:


She’s here after long years, but she's still ripe

With bitter altercations, constant strife,

Insulting me up to the hell of a hilt.

She plunges daggers deep into my kilt.


She twists them twice into my tender hide!

I do not whimper for I cherish pride.

I do not dare to utter cringing sounds.

But fearfully keep gazing at the ground.


She’s here, and she is wroth! I writhe in pain.

She’s here inflicting agonies again.

I dare a whimper, but then nothing more,

As she awaits compassion be implored.


She’s here after long years of seeking me!
I try not to remain, but cannot flee.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------




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Mon Apr 06, 2020 9:52 pm
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi Alfonso22! Whatchamacallit here to review.
This is a very interesting poem with a very intense subject!

Below is a spoiler of spelling, grammar, and wording suggestions I have.

Spoiler! :

She’s here after twenty-three years and she’s ripe -> ripe and strife are a bit of a strech for a rhyme

With insults, and vile accusations and strife,

Insulting me up to the hell of a hilt. -> using 'insult' and 'insulting' within two lines is a little repetitive. Try changing up the wording a little.

She plunges her dagger deep into my kilt.. -> should be a comma, not a period

Twisting it twice while it’s deeply inside. ->again, 'deep' and 'deeply' get repetitive. Try using 'buried' instead of 'deeply'.

I do not dare whimper because of my pride.

I do no dare utter a soft single sound, -> should be 'not'. Also, try not using 'do not dare' twice in a row if possible.

But keep my amazement fixed firm on the ground. -> 'amazement' has a bit of a positive connotation. Try a more negative word - horror, disgust, etc.

She’s here, and she’s wroth while I’m writhing in pain.

She’s here and she slivers my gonads again.

I dare give a whimper but nothing much more,

As she silently waits for compassion implored.

She’s here after twenty three years seeking me!

Bedazzled I stand and unable to flee. -> again, 'bedazzled' has a positive connotation. You could try 'paralyzed' or something along that line.


My general comments:

1. For the most part your rhymes are very good and feel natural - that's very difficult to accomplish, so good job!

2. A couple of your words give the wrong feeling to the poem (at least, I presume you're going for a negative feel), but your vocabulary is varied and interesting.

3. Look out for repetitive choice of words - sometimes repetition can be used for emphasis, but mostly it's good to avoid.

4. Good job and a really good poem! I look forward to reading more of your poems.

I hope this review was helpful, if you have any questions about it let me know.

Whatchamacallit




Alfonso22 says...


Thank you. Much appreciate your advice!



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Mon Apr 06, 2020 9:38 pm
SpencerReidIsMyLife wrote a review...



Alfonso22--

Though I enjoyed the language and beat/rhyme scheme to your poem, the narrative was a bit confusing. A few notes I had while reading this:

1. Maybe some clarification could be benefitial. Where are we? Kilt gives me Scotland, but nothing else indicates that. Why is she there? Why is she this angry. Due to the lack of clarification, this poem could seem to be about one topic for some and another topic for others. (Example: I read this as being about a particularly sensitive topic that I won't name just in case I am not correct. If you are curious, feel free to DM me).

2. I do enjoy the language you use in this poem--especially with the line breaks. "pain", "implored", "flee"--all great ways to break a line. I also can sense the emotion within the speaker fairly clearly, but details would help the reader understand why they're feeling this way.

Overall, I do like what you're trying to achieve here, but I think some clarification might be needed (I'm also just being nitpicky, and am in a university levelled poetry course right now so lol)

As always, feel free to DM me if you have any questions/need clarification.

With Love,
Mac




Alfonso22 says...


Thanks for the review. I will take the advice to heart in my efforts to improve. :)



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Mon Apr 06, 2020 5:28 am
R.Harini wrote a review...



This poem is dark, haunting and amusing at the same time. This women who should be a figment of his past comes again to torture him, make him crawl and beg to assert her power. The writer is frozen on the spot unable to flee and lets her satisfy her sadistic thirst while refusing to crumble down.
Absolutely charming. I hope you continue to write and enchant us with your words.




Alfonso22 says...


Thank you. Much appreciate your encouraging words. The rest of my work can be found under my former name Radrook




while she was studying the ways of pasta he was studying the ways of the sword
— soundofmind