Published November 12, 2011
The web- A short story
It was on days such as these that I dwelled on the fact that I knew little more of life than to kill, feast, breed and die. Watching as sunlight glistened upon silky threads, wind adding a subtle movement to the delicate structure I sat upon I waited for the tiny vibrations that signalled a feast. There were few animals that would be foolish to land on a day such as this; I expected little to sedate my hunger today. My eyes rolled, taking in what surrounded me, the waxy leaves of evergreen shrubs to both my left and right, red brick walls to the front and wooden fence behind, the position of my home was hardly a sight for the eyes.
Occasionally, in the daylight, large beasts would walk out in front of the web. While they were oblivious to my presence, I was never unaware of theirs. So large that their every step sent vibrations through the air, I realised they were not my kind, nor my prey or my predator, I was at a loss as to what they were hunting for.
One such beast came into sight, carrying another non living thing with it. Lifting its arms it began to swipe at the web, destroying it. I soon fell, I searched for a thread to pull upon; finding none. I slowly drifted to the solid bark below. Moving as fast as I could, I escaped from the creature following the line of the fence until I came to the open. Why had it destroyed my home if it had no intent on capturing me, what had it accomplished?
As darkness fell I realised what had happened with more clarity, I was lost and without a home to return to. I cursed the beast, and felt a feeling of fear with every memory of its kind I recalled. It was hopeless to spin a web, my hunger had increased to a point of pain and as I yearned for my home, I felt all was lost.
With the moon as a poor guide, I continued on my path; body in search of food, mind in search of comfort. After what felt days, the sun rose. It was more than I had ever travelled and with no way to find my way back I soldiered on. I came to a large tree as my energy waned, it was my final hope. Climbing up was no easdy task but at last my eyes fell on a web. Scurrying to it in a sudden burst of speed bough by the possibility of food I was no disappointed. Captured and half devoured already, I ate the rest of the creature, my hunger leaving for the first time in days. On the new web I found a home, a companion and a new life.
Never again did a beast pass by, I was safe.
* This was someting writtne quickly, I don't even have any idea if it is very readable... Let me know*
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
Hey there, I'm sorry for the delay! Here I am to review
- Wow, great first line. Very deep stuff here.So, let me jump straight into it -
- This is a bit confusing. You mean that the web was hard to see for everyone else?
- non-living. Or dead, for that matter.
- (little error) - easy.
Okay, overall I found this story short, but very interesting. I don't agree with RealWriter99, I think this subject is a very interesting one. I have never read anything from the point of view of a spider. It was quite interesting to get into its head, and understand what it was feeling. I do think you should expand on this more. Describe the hunt. Describe how the spider is frozen in place, seeing an innocent fly fall into a trap. That would add more excitement and tension to this story. Overall, it was good, not many mistakes, but I believe you can go further with this.
Keep up the good work!
- Polly xx
Hey there! Kaedee here.
This sentence is too long. The easiest thing to do, would be to add a comma after after "upon". (Also, I would replace "feast" with another word, since you just used it in the sentence before this one.)Run-on Sentences
I found a handful of these throughout your piece, but here are some examples of what I mean.
Too long, again. The underlined part of this sentence should be a separate sentence. You can replace the comma after "behind" with a semi-colon or period.
Replace the comma after "by" with a period.
Semi-Colons
Something really minor that I wanted to point out, just in case!
The semi-colon can't be used like that, since "finding none" isn't a complete sentence. Semi-colons are basically periods. Maybe replace it with a comma?
Hmm...I think the semi-colon barely works, but I would suggest replacing it with a comma.
Overall
I thought writing a story from the perspective of a spider was really creative. Overall, this was well-written, and flowed well also.
The only confusing part was when the spider's web got attacked. What, exactly, was attacking it? I know you're trying to be vague on purpose since the spider doesn't know what people are, but I wish you could be a little clearer.
Keep on writing. Hope I helped-
Kaedee
I thought this story was good. The only thing I would say is it's a bit hard to stay interested in. I personally think its a bit of a tiresome subject (though of course some people might disagree). BUT the describing words were amazing and it was incredibly well written. So over all it was FABULOUS! 9/10-(Cos' I personally I thought it was a wee bit boring)!