Music on full blast,
staring at a beautiful beaten up world.
Canceling out everything,
everything, but the thoughts and the questions.
Thoughts that made my sweet poison,
questions that that always came back like a bad memory
Thoughts that created the monsters in my head,
that were also my friends.
Questions that kept me alive, but were killing me at the same time.
Staring at the colourful expanse of blackness,
finding a different type of peace in the eerie brightness of the night.
Maybe tomorrow? But why not today? What do I have to live for?( maybe in italic )
It only takes a jump, right? A few pills, right? But what about tomorrow?
It's funny, how the loudness of something you love,
brings out the smallest whisper of something you hate
but want to befriend.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
hey ya!
*claps* THIS. WAS. AWEEEEEEEEEEEESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
you sort of poured out what ever i feel, when i feel disappointed (which by the way is most of the times) and seriously i cannot say anything but awesome. and even though its sad and all but at the same time, its just so beautifull!
i personally wouldnt change a thing about it! its just perrrrfect!
so yeah great job there!...i hope to see more of your works in the future.. untill then keep up the good work...
never quit writing...
FD46~
P.S.- welcome to YWS!
Thank you so much
The idea is good.I like the tittle, it made me check this out honestly so this is really a good plus for this work to get more review which is not happening unfortunatly.Anyways, I am here by this purpose!
Raindrop here for a short review which may not say anything new or special because I honestly can not find many mistakes I can call 'huge' or 'unfixable' so let's go through this work and see if we can correct it to better:
(here is the corrected ver)
Music on full blast,
staring at a beautiful beaten up world.
Canceling out everything,
everything, but without the thoughts and the questions.
Thoughts that made my sweet poison,
questions that always come back like a bad memory.
Thoughts that created the monsters in my head,
that were also my friends.
Questions that kept me alive, but were killing me at the same time.
Staring at the colourful expanse of blackness,
finding a different type of peace in the eerie brightness of the night.
Maybe tomorrow? But why not today? What do I have to live for?( maybe in italic )
It only takes a jump, right? A few pills, right? But what about tomorrow?
It's funny, how the loudness of something you love,
brings out the smallest whisper of something you hate
but want to befriend.
good job overall!
Wow this is really well written, especially for your first poem! I like the way you used oxymorons to portray the interal conflict of the speaker (that's how I interpreted it, it may or may not actually be what you were going for, but everyone interprets poems differently) It was a little bit confusing, because you might have used a little bit too many oxymorons.
thanks a lot, and the use of oxymorons are used to show the internal conflict of the speaker. thanks for noticing.