I think I remember this , the rules of the game
Rules
that made it a game
Your swiftness turning
Into
something
Else.
Movement
Dancing
Music
Lulling
Enchanting
Intoxicating
I'd sit there gazing
observing
examining
that perfect expression
betrays
when the stream of light slapped it well
Revealing
I laugh
Head jerking back
Free
to
leave
I concoct pathetically
I know better by now
The red liquid concoction makes it so easy
Silhouettes emerging and fleeting
I lost you
Where
Are
You
I laugh, tension building on the walls of my chest
Just sip
And focus
focus
on the rich earthy red
Sticky on my lips
Focus on the sounds
No
Stop
Heart pounding isnt real
Breathe
"Find me Antonio"
I muster
Breathless
I just can't
Follow
stupid rules
invented to resemble civility
We're passed that now aren't we
eyes staring back
He
Found
Me
Glassy
Consuming
I can't
Help
Myself
He can seem like so many things all at once
I didn't know it was possible
But
Antonio
Is
something else
his features
his mind
his mind
What a meticulously crafted masterpiece
But his smile
what
a
beautiful
lie
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I enjoyed reading this poem.I believe it’s about a man named Antonio,who holds so many mysteries for the other person,the person narrating the poem.Unless this poem is about something else,then that’s what I think.It might be about trying to let go from a horrible person.I hope that you have an awesome and lovely day and night.
Hello Alexhasbun56,
I hope this review reaches you well.
This was a really neat poem! I really enjoyed reading it, especially since it doesn’t follow the usual structure of a normal poem. The large spaces (intentional or not) between some of the stanzas added a cool artistic touch to it all. It gave the poem a sort of “breathing room” to process what just happened before you move onto the next stanza.
For the overall meaning of the poem, or at least my interpretation of it, I had to think about it for a bit before I got it. I think it’s from the narration of someone who is trying to untangle their life while at the same time getting drunk? I don’t really know. Although the addition of the person “Antonio” was interesting.
The use of the word “slapped” doesn’t really fit this line very well. It also confused me a lot, so I’d suggest using a different word.
I don’t really know what you mean here?
Then you say concoction, after 2 lines which sounds a bit repetitive
The biggest “issue” with your poem is the use of single word lines. I strongly recommend expanding them because it helps the piece flow a lot more easily. Now that being said, it’s okay to have a few single word lines here and there. It’s just when the entire poem is filled with them, it makes the reading clunky and a lot less enjoyable. (Trust me, I would do this all the time! But when I started to lengthen my lines my poems improved so much!)
Overall I found that this poem was neat! The storyline and message was a puzzle to figure out. The biggest thing you could work on is the length of the lines and that’s it! I hope this review was helpful and if you have any questions feel free to ask. Have a great rest of your day and keep on writing!
-Stellarjay