Vanished.
Then the screams, the sobs
deep beneath my throat
they all vanished
As I was reliving painful but perfect memories
Able to steal my voice, my thoughts
While i carefully looked through the images of our past.
looking through these lost memories
like guardian angels
or frightening devils
even mysterious roses
some lifeless others red
caused hurricanes coming from my eyes
that filled my heart in such a way I faltered
or drained it until breathless.
You’re there now
As long as the chest is open
The pictures being admired
Open to my heart
I can still see you
I can still feel you.
you wanted to leave
you couldn’t, you just cant
but you did
and you still will
unwillingly maybe
you’re unstoppable
and death is too.
Burning memories you bring to me
are a danger I want to be in
like the risk of your lips to mine
my hand through yours
you just have to
keep whispering
if not its over,
the illusion,
I’m not broken.
The box has to close
the wooden box where the images belong
you’re an absence now
like death
where I’m unable to dream
where porcelain shatters
rose petals drop
and love is at fault
your imperfections
such beauty
vanished from my heart
as you had
but then you whispered
and I was found
fates were written
both sealed
irreversible and unshakable
you’re unforgettable.
Now I can never be released.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I really like this, but I agree with the others. You have to be a little more careful when structuring your poem. Always check your punctuation (don't forget apostrophes) and make your stanzas a little more concise- don't use unnecessary adjectives.
Overall, this is a good poem about a difficult subject. Well done.
This was really sad.
I think the simplicity of the language and the metaphors used added to the impact of this poem. It sounded more sincere and more painful.
There were a few grammatical errors but they've already been pointed out.
anyway, this was great and sad and beautiful.
keep writing.
--Knightly
hello alexbc101..
i have to agree with the other comments:it was absolutely nice, especially for a beginner.
well, it's really hard to reminisce, especially if you've had lots of sad memories.
pictures can speak, but they can also haunt you..
i love this stanza:
i love how you use irony, and metaphors, and similes..i love it.
god bless.
Very nice poem. I liked it
. I have a few things that you could improve upon. Like Audy said, stay consistent with your capitalization and fix those spelling mistakes.
First of all, cant should be can't. Second of all the can't doesn't really make sense. Your saying that he couldn't leave, which should be enough, and then you saying he can't leave. Something about it just doesn't sound right. I think you should just say he couldn't leave.
This poem has a lot of potential. Keep working on it
Wow. i really liked that. I don't know what it was that made it beautiful, but it was.
Bravo! I really liked this, especially the first and last stanza. The subtlety in the beginning with the single-word 'Vanished.' really emphasized the horrific screams in the next line. The last stanza just contained such beautiful imagery
Something I would suggest to improve by shortening it to try to get a maximum effect in little words, because I felt it dragged in the middle.
As for the grammaticals:
Try to stay consistent with your capitalization. I personally feel like the beginning of a line in poetry shouldn't be capitalized unless it's the beginning of a sentence, obviously there are different styles, but the important thing is to stay consistent. Also I think you forgot to capitalize an 'i' somewhere up there. You capitalized some and didn't in others and it was distracting. Also I suggest on checking your punctuations.
Particulars that I found:
What drained what? You need to be more clear here. I think if you read through it carefully paying attention to the sentence structure and go back to add in some commas or semi's might help better with the flow and clarity.
Apostrophe.
Apostrophe since you're contracting 'it is...'
Other than that, you did a great job