It was a beautiful day outside; the birds were singing, the sky was clear. The emerald green grass, which was the same color of my eyes, felt squishy underneath my sneakers as I strolled over rolling hills that seemed to go on forever in all directions. I closed my eyes briefly, enjoying the peace. When I opened them though, something made me pause.
It was a strange dark object perched perfectly atop a slightly shorter hill not too far away. Curious, I made my way down my hill and on to that hill and found myself staring at a pitch black hole.
Why is this hole even here?, I thought to myself. Hmm… maybe I should take a look.
I got down on my hands and knees and gazed down into it. It looked as if the hill itself was hollow.
It’s... it’s like a hole in the fabric of the universe…
I heard a strange hollow whistling sound, a lot like wind, and it grew louder and louder. Then I felt a tugging sensation. Suddenly, I found myself tumbling through a dark, empty space. Disoriented, I adjusted my weight so I was no longer tumbling, but facing in the direction I thought was down, my arms and legs spread out to slow my fall. As I was doing this I was thinking:
What is going on? Why was I sucked in? I’m so confused! WHAT THE HECK! Why was I sucked in… Why was I… NO WAIT! An even better question would be WHAT THE HECK IS THAT HOLE! Wait… do I... see light?
A tiny speck of light shone brightly in the darkness and it grew bigger and bigger. It took the form of a rectangle.
At least it isn’t a triangle... Why is it a rectangle? Is it my grave?
Then I fell through it and my whole body hit something incredibly hard. My world then became a vast sea of darkness.
My vision was filled with red and I ached all over.
What happened? Why is my vision re- oh!
I realised my eyes were still closed.
Idiot! How did you manage to do that?
I opened them and sat up, regretting it instantly as my head began to pound.
“Ugg, is this what it feels like to get hit by a car?” I said groaning while rubbing my temples. Then I took notice of my surroundings. “ What is this place anyway?”
I was sitting on a (rather squashed) pile of dead leaves surrounded by old trees. The old trees however, were odd; they had grown too close together and their roots and the lower halves of the trees trunks had become one, while the branches had grown to form a net high above me. A gap in the branches and leaves allowed a beam of light in, brighting the space.
It’s like a cave… I think I’ll call it The Tree Grotto! No wait… That’s kinda lame… Eh, it’ll be fine for now… Wait a sec! How am I still alive! I should be dead from a fall like that! But then I don’t seem to be hurting all over anymore and my headache is gone… does this place heal?
As I was pondering this, there was a strange voice that seemed to not belong to any gender.
Hello small child-
I looked around wildly but nobody was there.
“Excuse me,” I interrupted as politely as possible, though there was still a slight agitated undertone to my voice. “I’m not a small child, I’m 15 years old.”
There was a huff of annoyance, Fine, I shall call you a kid… Now where was I...? Ugg, just find a big waterfall and open a chest there. There is only one chest.
“Um, what if I get lost?” I asked the voice. “Why find and open a chest?”
There was a long moment of silence and I began to think that they left me alone.
It is highly possible to get lost… very well, I shall guide you.
“And the second question?”
You will find out soon enough.
“Can’t you just tell me?”
That is not how the world works, much less the universe.
“Well, you could help make the universe a better place if you do because at least one person is trying.”
Nice try kid, but logic does not work on me for these matters.
I sighed, got up, and searched for an exit. Some of the gaps in between the trunks were too small, and almost all of them had a strange leafless thorn bush blocking the way. The only way out was through a wide gap that one could step through easily and I walked through, stepping on an old, disused, dirt road that wasn’t quite in the process of being claimed by the forest yet.
The forest was somewhat dim, and the path went on in opposite directions. I wasn’t focused on that though because my attention was caught on a horrifying detail; bones upon bones lay scattered across the forest floor. Most were human, but others I couldn’t figure out what they were. I stared on in horror, then shook my head.
I think it’s best not to think about it. I don’t think I wanna know what happened to them.
I began to walk forward, but then I tripped over something. It made a hollow clang noise.
“Oof!”, I said and caught myself before I could face plant into a smelly pile of bones. I looked down at the object. It was a pipe made of lead.
Hmm… this is in good condition and it would make a good weapon. Who knows what’s in this place, I’d better be prepared in case there are some dangerous creatures.
I picked it up and as I did so, I heard a low growl behind me. I whipped around, my newfound weapon tight in my grip. The growl had come from a strange, four legged beast with matted, spiky grey fur that was marred with large scars. Two yellow eyes glowed above an elongated snout that was full yellowed, sharp teeth. Large claws protruded from massive paws.
“Holy crap! What’s that?”, I shouted in shock and horror at the sight of the beast.
It leaped at me, and I instinctively leaped to the side. A wave of fear and panic washed over me and I felt the need, the desire to do something. I did a battle cry and desperately thrusted the end of the pipe into the side of the beast. It grunted from the pain. Then swinging the weapon up into the air, I leaped and striked downwards just as the beast was turning around. It bashed against the creature’s head and bounced off. I could feel the pipe vibrating from the force of the blow, and the creature seemed to be stunned. I thought quickly and sent the pipe crashing into the back of the monster’s head. It let out a high pitched whine and died standing upright. The creature’s organs and fur turned into a strange purple substance and dissipated into the air. All that was left behind was gleaming white bones and a grinning skull. The skeleton (amazingly) stood for a few seconds then collapsed because the cartilage had gone too.
“WHA-”
I very highly recommend you stop yelling, kid. The whole forest may hear you and know that you are around. That is not a good thing. That hideous creature you just fought is a monster called a (Need to come up with name). I do not even know if I should classify them as a species because all of the monsters resurrect and therefore could be the same one.
“Does that matter?”
No…
“Then don’t tell me about it. I just wanna get out of here.”
There was a sigh.
There is no need to be so rude kid. You should head forward and follow that path until you reach a fork. Once you arrive there, I will tell you which way to go next.
I took a few steps forward then stopped, realising something was off.
“Hey you weird person! Where are you?”
You mean the place of that which I am situated? Not where you are.
“Then how do you even know which direction I’m facing?”
I look through your eyes.
“Er… definitely not creepy-”
I do not necessarily have a physical form in this realm. I can only hear and see your world by looking into others minds.
“So… you’re some kind of ghost who possesses live beings?”
I would not say ghost. Ghosts are souls that were alive at some point with a physical form and either died or they were separated from their body.
“Spirit?”
I am not a spirit either. Spirits are hard to classify. They can have a physical or spiritual forms- do you know what Yokai are?
“Those Japanese spirit things?”
Yes, they are like those more or less, but you can see them if they want you to see them. The physical ones have bodies of objects that aren’t alive, although, there are some that are made with trees. Usually people come together to summon a spirit and place it in the inanimate body and trap the spirit inside. They are used as guardians and free labor.
“So then what are you?”
I am a genderless soul who isn’t in the same realm of existence but can enter both living and nonliving creatures.
“Then wouldn’t you be in danger of going to wherever the dead go?”
Yes, but I have a vessel. Kid, I think you should go and get a move on. You do want to get out, do you not? Oh, and do you see that shiny thing in the remains?
I sighed and investigated it. It was a few gold coins.
Looks like you found some money.
I shoved walked down the path that the voice told me to go down. The path didn’t have monsters, but it didn’t have animals either. There wasn’t a single tweet from a bird nor a rustle of leaves.
Does this world have animals? Maybe it doesn’t have similar animals to ours.
It does have animals and they are similar to the ones on Earth.
I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“YOU-”
Shush, quiet kid. I can read your thoughts and now I would like to tell you to think all your words instead of saying them out loud. Also, your outburst just alerted the monsters ahead and they are coming your way. I have something I want you to try.
“And-Oh oops.” I had forgotten what they asked of me.
And that is?
Pull your hood up.
“W-”
Er, what!
Pull your hood up.
I still don’t understand-
Pull the piece of fabric that is hanging from the back of your blue hoodie over your head.
I know that, but I mean why?
Just do it, they are coming nearer.
I decided to listen to them and yanked my hood over my head. It’s their fault if I die.
Now go to the shadows.
I did that just as the monsters came. One stood upright on two legs that ended in cloven feet and dragged a large brutal looking club behind it. It wore ruff leather armour and it’s ugly hogglike face bore a look of anticipation for its next meal. The other monster was raptor like, but it had longer arms that were designed to allow the same kind of movements as humans and its toes on it’s feet were splayed out. They looked confused now since there was nobody there. One growled to the other and they moved down the path and out of sight. I smirked.
Idiots.
Idiots indeed. They should have used their noses.
Are you going to do commentary on my thoughts for the rest of the time?
Yes.
Please don’t, my thoughts are private.
Too bad.
I tried to block the voice out.
Nice try, kid, but I am too powerful to block out.
Arg!
I recommend you stop worrying about what I do and continue on.
I grumbled and walked on. A few minutes later, I came across a fork in the path. One went forward, one went left, and one went right. I could hear the thundering of a waterfall far off in the distance now.
Which way?
Right.
I walked down the right path and there was another fork that branched off in three directions.
Middle.
The waterfall was roaring.(could put a fight here)
Middle.
I could smell water nearby now.
Right.
The waterfall sounded further away and I wondered if the voice was taking me the right way.(could put a fight here)
Left.
It sounded closer again. I was reassured.(could put a fight here)
Middle.
This path was longer and the air grew thicker with moisture. I could hear the waterfall thundering down on to a body of water and I could see nearly blinding light at the end of the path. The light grew nearer and nearer and I had to squint now. (could put a fight here)
You are there.
Then I stepped out. It was too bright for me at first and I spent a little bit of time letting my eyes adjust to the light before I could look around. Water cascaded down in separate(not finished) a tall cliff and ended in a cloud of mist that reached across the surface of the large sparkling blue pond with fluffy white tendrils.
Or is it a small lake?
The scenery was quite beautiful and serene; I never saw anything like this except in pictures. I slowly walked towards the water and gently touched the surface with my shoe. Ripples spread through the water and suddenly I wanted to splash around in the water.
No, now isn’t the time for playing in the water.
I looked up at the waterfall and walked around the large pond. There was a indent behind a wider waterfall and I went there. It turned out to be a cave and inside the cave, I found a chest.
I kinda wonder what’s inside.
I grabbed the edges of the lid and heaved it upwards. It’s unoiled hinges made a loud creaking noise as it moved. Inside of the chest was a colored metal mask. There were two empty eye holes and a slit for the mouth. A piece of fabric formed a hood and the color of the face was a tan color. Orange “hair” peeked out from under the hood. A hook was attached to the top edge of the mask. I lifted it up.
A mask?
Hello kid. I thank you for taking me out of that cursed wood box. I was in there forever. It is great to see things through the eyes of the mask again. Strangely enough, I feel like talking more than I usually do. Perhaps it is because I haven’t actually held a conversation with anyone for awhile.
The eyes and mouth flashed with golden light in morse code as the voice spoke.
What the heck!
My eyes widened and my hands began to shake. I half-dropped, half-flung the mask on to the dirt floor of the cave. The mask clanged against a few rocks and landed upside down.
Hey, what was that for! You could destroy my residence that way even though I have lived through fights while being clipped to belts!
“A talking mask! I knew the day would come when masks come alive and take over the world!”
How would that happen? Masks don’t have legs.
“Who are you anyway?”
Oh, excuse me for my rudeness. You may call me Tale Weaver.
“Tale Weaver? What kinda name is that?”
WHAT KINDA NAME IS THAT? The people gave me my name!
“What people?”
THE- the people I meet... What about your name?
“I don’t trust strangers.”
Good, you will need that distrust of strangers here. There are bandits, thieves, dirty backstabbers, etc.
“Dirty backstabbers? Really?”
Their souls are stained from the crimes they have committed. Therefore, I call them dirty backstabbers.
“I’d like to mention this, but my distrust is more towards you.”
… I feel hurt.
I began to walk out of the cave.
Wait, don’t leave me behind. You have more to gain taking me with you than leaving me behind. If you take me, I can tell you peoples intentions, watch your back for you, remind you of things, and lend you power during fights. Those monsters were weakened by hunger because they had eaten most if not all of the animals there.
I looked back behind me at the mask. If masks expressions could change, I’m pretty sure Tale Weaver would be making a puppy face. I sighed.
I hope that TW isn’t a “dirty backstabber”.
Masks don’t have legs! Why are you calling me TW?
“It’s the beginning letters of you two word name. It’s just like how people call McDonalds MD and people call Dairy Queen DQ.”
I feel insulted.
“Good. That’s how I felt when you called me “small child.”
You are relating my name to fast food places.
“No I am- now I’m talking like you. Why am I talking to a mask? But the mask talks? The mask talks. THE MASK TALKS!
Are you okay kid? I guess this is a very distressf-
“How do you know about fast food places? How do you know about the living things on my planet?”
Kid, just… Just do not ask these questions.
“Why?”
Because I do not want to be on the floor anymore. I think I now know what dirt tastes like.
“Masks can’t taste stuff.”
I do not care. I think I defied the laws for inanimate objects.
“But what if the bubble of reality collapses?”
I have thought about that a lot, but I still do not know. May you please stop looking down at me like I am the scum of the earth?
“Fine.”
I scooped Tale Weaver, the mask, up off the floor.
Kid, you can clip me onto- oh, you do not have a belt. In that case you should go and take a peek into the chest.
I briskly walked over and inside of the chest was a brown leather belt. There was a pouch clipped on to one side and there was a sword belt attached. I picked it up and put it on.
You now have unlimited storage! That pouch can carry an insane amount of objects inside it and the sword belt can hold any weapon that you are currently using. Plus, you can now clip me onto the belt and no longer worry about losing me.
I noticed that there were loops on the sword belt. I put the pipe in and it stayed. I began to dump the money in the front pocket of my hoodie into the pouch.
“Umm… Okay… But what if I want to lose you?”
Then I will hate you to the grave.
“That’s okay with me.”
I will also somehow hunt you down and kill you and then take the universe over.
“Er… nevermind.”
Good.
I clipped Tale Weaver on to the side of the belt and left the cave. Nothing had changed much outside. There was another path and I headed down that one. I now could hear small creatures scuttling around in the undergrowth and birds singing sweet tunes in the treetops. Then I saw a human kid, probably about nine or ten with dark brown hair that was tinged with gold at the ends. He saw me too and ran up to me.
He spoke in a language I didn’t understand.
“Umm…”
Are you having a language issue? I’ll translate for you.
Uh... wa?
“Hiya miss! Whatcha doing out here in the forest?”, he said, his big, gold, innocent eyes shining with mischief.
“Well, what are YOU doing out here kiddo?”
“Kiddo? That’s not my name.”
“I wasn’t playing the naming game.”
“I’ma guess your name now! It’s… mask?”
“Wha-no! Where did you get that idea?”
“You have a mask on your belt, miss.”
“That doesn’t mean that my name is mask. Please don’t call me miss. My name is Chara.”
“How’s that spelt?”
“C-H-A-R-A. So why are you out here? It’s pretty dangerous.”
“My friends dared me to go. Why’re you here?”
I didn’t know what to tell the kid. I had to be careful. The kid might believe me, but I’m not sure if the adults would. I don’t want to lie to him because I would feel bad about that.
“I traveled from a land far far away, and I had to navigate through the forest.”
“Wow! That’s why you’re dressed the way you do!” He said, gesturing to my clothes with his small hands. “I can take you to my village if you want so you can rest and tell my friends stories!”
“Thank you. That would be amazing.”
We walked down the path together.
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That was an interesting start. You've created a very intriguing new universe.
The main thing that stood out to me in this piece was the fact that every single thought the narrator has was described in full detail. It's important to know how the protagonist is feeling, but when used too much it can distract from the story. Oftentimes, the reader can tell what the main character is thinking based on circumstances and for me, one of the best parts of reading is putting yourself in the narrator's shoes and trying to figure out how they are feeling without being told. For example, when you say, "As I was doing this, I was thinking: What is going on? Why was I sucked in? I’m so confused! WHAT THE HECK! Why was I sucked in… Why was I… NO WAIT! An even better question would be WHAT THE HECK IS THAT HOLE!" I don't think that was necessary, because I'm sure most people would feel the same way in this scenario. Also, when you write out thoughts, I would suggest putting them in italics, just to make sure the reader knows what's going on.
Secondly, I would like to suggest that you show, rather than tell. If you can show a reader how a character is feeling, it is much easier for a reader to understand. For example, instead of saying that a character is happy, say that a smile spread across their face. This is also another way to decrease the amount of the characters' thoughts that you write out.
I really like the concept of the story, and anything involving a new world or universe is immediately intriguing to me, but I felt like too many things happened by complete coincidence. For example, there just happened to be a human sized hole in the cave and the reader happened to find a weapon just moments before being attacked by a beast; these things rarely happen in real life, so try to make that the same in your story. However, since little is know about this new land (from the reader's perspective) it's possible that things just have a way of working out there.
Overall, this was a pretty good start. There are a few sentence that I would suggest rewording. Lastly, I wanted to say that the imagery in the first paragraph is absolutely phenomenal. It was so easy to picture, which made it really fun to great. I really hope this review helped! Have a great day!
-1nspire
I didn't because Tale's dialogue was in italics. I have a feeling that I may have screwed this up and that I also should have bolded Tale Weaver's speech. Wait a sec... I am an idiot. I thought that I was supposed to bold TW's words when they are talking to everyone. *Face palms* I'll fix that immediately!
Well, that was interesting.
I immediately got the impression that this story was intended to be light-hearted and not take itself too seriously, and you stuck with that quite well. I wish I knew if you intend this to be middle grade or young adult, because my opinion of this story would change slightly depending on your answer. Personally, I can't see this working as anything but middle grade, because of how easy it is to read; the premise is contrived, the MC mostly reacts to the story rather than contributing to it, and the humour seems to hinge on bickering rather than actual wit. This is all okay for a pre-teen audience because the majority of that age group wouldn't need much depth beyond this.
I was immediately reminded of Alice in Wonderland, not just because the MC falls down a hole right off the bat, but because of how voice-y this story is - both MC's dialog/thoughts have a similar, melodramatic, limited worldview which is more typical of MG.
If this is MG then my suggestions would be to lower the MC's age and try to include believable concerns and motivations for a character of that age. What I mean is, instead of your character just "omg-ing", give us some insight into why travelling to another world is an issue to them. "Omg-ing" could apply to anyone, but if you shared something specific, like for example (using Alice in Wonderland) the MC wants to return home because they miss their cat, then this is something that readers will have a better time connecting with and would help them understand and root for your MC.
Also, even in middle grade stories the MC should have more impact to the story than this. They raise a lot of expected questions "who are you, why is this happening etc" but for the most part they are fairly complicit in following the mask's instructions, but there's no clear reason why this is. It's important for the MC to make decisions that shape the rest of the story. Readers should feel as if nothing would be possible if it wasn't for the MC, or as if the story wouldn't be as interesting if it was told from anyone's perspective other than the MC.
Something I liked was your decision to make the mask physically vulnerable and a bit whimsical/unreliable. It's normally typical for "guide" characters to be all-knowing, all-powerful, paragon-types, but here you've taken a different approach and given me the sense that the mask can provide exposition and handy hints but at the same time inject fun and unpredictability into the story. For example, how the mask has offered to help the MC, but then at the same time said:
This sets the expectation that I can't fully trust the mask, which is a good way of keeping some tension alive despite comedy being the more prominent aspect to this story. Also makes me wonder if the mask is even capable of doing these things haha. It's fun to think that this character could truly want to help your MC succeed or "take over the universe" - and we may never know which is true haha.
Sorry if this review was a bit ramble-y. Let me know if I can clarify anything better. ^_^
-Zoom
If I ever finish this story there will definitely be some dark stuff.
A character will angrily murder another human. Another character's parents burned alive in their own house. That same character who's parents went up in flames had a master who was ran through with a sword by the same people who burned her parent's house down. A pair of sadistic ten year old twins are helping Chara out. A character's mom is killed. And this probably isn't all there is.
Oh, and there are zombies and human bandits(Lots of man slaughter, but I might give them mercy).

Read if you like spoilers. If not then don't.
Spoiler
This is actually based off of a game I wanna make one day,(I'm still in the designing stage.) and it's intended to be for everyone. I'm not going to change any of the characters ages as that would actually mess up elements of the game and also kids are harder to write for me.
I see you like Tale Weaver! They've been in a few other stories before making it into this one and therefore had plenty of time to evolve. They have always been like this
Don't worry about being rambly here because I'm sure I'm being rambly right now.