Young Writers Society

This does a really good job of creating mystery. I could see this as the opening scene for a novel depending on the overall story's flow. (I assume this is part of a greater whole based on the title).

That said, there were some things I found a bit confusing. The first thing that comes to mind is the italics. Normally when an author uses them, it's to show the main character's thoughts, so I was a little confused at first as to why Tailweaver's assailant could read their thoughts. (Of course, I eventually figured out that the Italics were actual spoken dialogue, but it would've been nice to know that at the beginning). You don't necessarily have to change them to regular old quotes, but it may be a good idea to somehow make it clear that those lines are being spoken out loud. (How you might go about doing that I'm not quite sure, but I'm sure you can figure it out).

Now some more specific things:

Why aren’t you scared? Why aren’t you choking? Why aren’t you dying?

This felt a little repetitive to me. It seemed kind of like the speaker was taunting Tailweaver instead of expressing their frustration. Simply cutting out two of the sentences would probably do the trick, as only one is really necessary to get the point across.

It’s not my problem that people use it that way. People should really elaborate on it and say ‘romantic relationship’ instead of going the short way.” Alex said pointedly.

I don't quite understand why they're talking about word usage in the middle of a fight. If this was an attempt at humor, I can see it, I just wish it were a little bit clearer. (I bet if you took Holysocks' suggestion for the dialogue it might be easier to understand).

Anyways, aside from all that, I rather like the idea of immortal people fighting. It's interesting to think about how that might turn out, though I'm sure the outcome would have something to do with The God Killer. I hope to see more of your work around the site.

Heyo! Myself and an ant (crawling around on my screen lol) are here to give you a review!

So this short story, or flash fiction, had some really cool elements! I always like magic and cool immortal beings and fun stuff like that that whisks us away into another world~ that is, after all, the reason I read.

She slammed her fist into their face making a large dent.

I found this bit a little odd because typically I don't think of a face denting. I mean, with enough force for sure, but does the lady that hit them (I think that's what whatever that creature was was being referred to as) really have that much strength? I mean, obviously they're all not-quite-human, or with super-human-abilities to some extent, but? We don't really know what the characters are capable of because we weren't really introduced to them, or explained to about what they can and can't do. For instance, perhaps the face of that immortal could have easily dented- but we didn't have really any description of this creature to go off of.

And this leads me into description as a whole in this story! I feel like I was rather blind throughout this story, and that's usually due to a lack of description. Hey, I'm right there with you-- do you know how many times people are telling me to put more description in my stories? A TON! It's something that's easily forgotten, especially if you're having tons of fun writing about the character interactions, and dislike writing descriptions (like me XP ). But the good news is, descriptions are easy enough to add into a story. And also remember not to go overboard with them aswell- we just need an anchor here and there to let us know what our surroundings are like and what are characters look like (usually when characters are introduced). You also might find, that since this is a snippet - I'm guessing from a novel or something - that you might have done descriptions in the novel that work perfectly well for the novel, and keep people well informed, but due to the snippet that got snippetted out- it just happened to not have those descriptions (I could see this especially being true for the characters, whom you most likely introduced what they looked like when you introduced them in the novel, but since this is a snippet, we didn't get to see that). And my advice is to still edit in some description to this snippets if that's the case, so that people reading these still get the same images that they would if they were reading this in a novel.

How did you get a hold of the God Killer? The reincarnate of Universia has gotten rid of it.

Maybe it's just me, but I felt like "god killer" wasn't as cool of a name as this knife/dagger could have had! Wouldn't people have come up with a cooler name? I don't know, "god killer" just feels very matter-of-fact. But that's not a huge deal, it's just my thoughts.

“Hello person! What’s your name?”

“None of your business.”

“Well, None of Your Business, that-should I call Taleweaver a person?”

So something that can make dialogue really confusing, is when we don't know who's talking. Usually, when there's confusion about who's talking, it's simply because there's a lack of "he/she/they saids" in a work. And that's what I was noticing throughout this piece! I found that I didn't know who was talking, and thus, I really didn't know what was going on, who was talking to whom, etc., etc. My advice is don't be afraid to use "he said, she said, they said". In most cases, readers don't even notice it, they just read over it, and it keeps everyone informed about who is talking. This is the same for "Sally said, Bob said," etc. And keeping it simple with just "said" is also good, too. Making dialogue tags too fancy with tons of "Sarah mumbles, Ron whimpers, Billy sings" is when readers can get a little annoyed at the dialogue tags, because it takes more time to get on with the story, can be distracting, and those types of tags are trying to say something that should be conveyed in the dialogue itself.

Anyways, overall I thought this was pretty cool! I also thought it was rather interesting how the sort of immortal being stops someone from killing the lady that was trying to kill them, because... they want to die them self? Rather morbid, but it did put an interesting twist on things!

Keep it up!

-Holysocks