Taleweaver was slammed against a wall and held there by their neck. The woman sneered and held their neck tighter. “You are a disgusting piece of filth, hiding behind those goddesses.”
Those bit-
She slammed her fist into their face making a large dent. “Shut up, you don’t talk to higher beings like that! You were always at the bottom of the OP food chain and always will be. I’m going to erase you from existence!”
Okay…
“Why aren’t you scared? Why aren’t you choking? Why aren’t you dying?”
I do not need to do something as pathetic as breathing like your kind.
The woman took out a knife and began stabbing them repeatedly for two minutes. The dent in their face was gone now and some of the oldest knife wounds had healed.
Are you done yet?
She blinked in shock a few times then adopted a grim expression. “I guess I have to use this.” She took out a knife, the blade covered in blue.
How did you get a hold of the God Killer? The reincarnate of Universia has gotten rid of it.
“There was a bit left.”
What is your element?
“Darkness.”
You could just kill me that way because I am light. Such an idiot...
She sheathed the knife. “I’m not an idiot!” The shadows bent and surrounded Taleweaver. Their colors began to fade from their vessel. She let Taleweaver go and they fell weakly to the ground and writhed around on the asphalt in pain. Suddenly there was a bright flash of light and a girl with long orange, red, and blonde hair walked over to them. The woman stopped bending the shadows.
“Hello person! What’s your name?”
“None of your business.”
“Well, None of Your Business, that-should I call Taleweaver a person?”
“That isn’t-”
“Well that doesn’t matter right now, dang it my ADHD mind. I just so happen to know them and I’d prefer if you stop trying to kill them.”
“Why, kid?” The woman sounded ticked off.
“I’m not kidding you.” She grinned as if she had won the lottery.
“That isn’t what-”
“I know, I know. What an awful joke I made, but to answer your question that person is my brain child.”
“Your what?”
“I made them with my mind.”
“So, you name is Alex right? I heard that you hated Taleweaver.”
“My name is Alex, and I realised that I made a mistake and I’m coming to fix it.”
“Great! Let’s work together to kill them!”
“That’s not what I came here to do. I’m here to fix my relationship with Taleweaver.”
We never had a positive relationship.
“Yes, and I’m changing that now.”
“You realise how wrong that sounds?”
“It’s not my problem that people use it that way. People should really elaborate on it and say ‘romantic relationship’ instead of going the short way.” Alex said pointedly.
“That’s not what I- nevermind. Die with your brain kid then.” The woman began to bend the shadows around both of them. Alex bent the light around the woman and she stopped and began to shriek in pain and agony. The girl grinned at her pain.
You may stop and let her live.
Alex stopped. “Why?”
The woman collapsed, breathing heavily on the ground.
I never get enough of people who want to kill me.
“You are so strange sometimes.”
Some people wish to die.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Great job!
Throughout the story Taleweaver was referred to as "they", I'm assuming because he doesn't have a gender. However, in some parts of the story it's a bit strange, and sounds like there's actually more than one. I'm not sure whether you'd want to use "it", but it's a bit strange to read as it is.
I liked that you hinted at some history between Alex and Taleweaver, which makes you feel like you don't know the whole story, but you're unravelling some mystery. I also enjoyed the humour between Alex and the other woman, it felt like they were being casual, despite being about to kill each other.
That's all,
-Gnomish
Thanks! Tale doesn't like being called "it" as it's very hurtful.
This does a really good job of creating mystery. I could see this as the opening scene for a novel depending on the overall story's flow. (I assume this is part of a greater whole based on the title).
That said, there were some things I found a bit confusing. The first thing that comes to mind is the italics. Normally when an author uses them, it's to show the main character's thoughts, so I was a little confused at first as to why Tailweaver's assailant could read their thoughts. (Of course, I eventually figured out that the Italics were actual spoken dialogue, but it would've been nice to know that at the beginning). You don't necessarily have to change them to regular old quotes, but it may be a good idea to somehow make it clear that those lines are being spoken out loud. (How you might go about doing that I'm not quite sure, but I'm sure you can figure it out).
Now some more specific things:
This felt a little repetitive to me. It seemed kind of like the speaker was taunting Tailweaver instead of expressing their frustration. Simply cutting out two of the sentences would probably do the trick, as only one is really necessary to get the point across.
I don't quite understand why they're talking about word usage in the middle of a fight. If this was an attempt at humor, I can see it, I just wish it were a little bit clearer. (I bet if you took Holysocks' suggestion for the dialogue it might be easier to understand).
Anyways, aside from all that, I rather like the idea of immortal people fighting. It's interesting to think about how that might turn out, though I'm sure the outcome would have something to do with The God Killer. I hope to see more of your work around the site.
Tale is telepathic so I'm having them speak through thoughts. I thought that may have been repetitive. There wasn't exactly a battle going on.
Oooohhhh. That explains so much. And I suppose you%u2019re right about the battle. (Or lack of one)
I don't really know how to make it apparent that they are a telepath unless I put a note saying that at the top.
Yea, I see what you%u2019re saying. Maybe put in a line of dialogue mentioning it towards the beginning? That%u2019s all I can think of anyways. Of course, it%u2019s up to you...
Thanks!
You%u2019re welcome:)
Heyo! Myself and an ant (crawling around on my screen lol) are here to give you a review!
So this short story, or flash fiction, had some really cool elements! I always like magic and cool immortal beings and fun stuff like that that whisks us away into another world~ that is, after all, the reason I read.
I found this bit a little odd because typically I don't think of a face denting. I mean, with enough force for sure, but does the lady that hit them (I think that's what whatever that creature was was being referred to as) really have that much strength? I mean, obviously they're all not-quite-human, or with super-human-abilities to some extent, but? We don't really know what the characters are capable of because we weren't really introduced to them, or explained to about what they can and can't do. For instance, perhaps the face of that immortal could have easily dented- but we didn't have really any description of this creature to go off of.
And this leads me into description as a whole in this story! I feel like I was rather blind throughout this story, and that's usually due to a lack of description. Hey, I'm right there with you-- do you know how many times people are telling me to put more description in my stories? A TON!
Maybe it's just me, but I felt like "god killer" wasn't as cool of a name as this knife/dagger could have had! Wouldn't people have come up with a cooler name? I don't know, "god killer" just feels very matter-of-fact. But that's not a huge deal, it's just my thoughts.
So something that can make dialogue really confusing, is when we don't know who's talking. Usually, when there's confusion about who's talking, it's simply because there's a lack of "he/she/they saids" in a work. And that's what I was noticing throughout this piece! I found that I didn't know who was talking, and thus, I really didn't know what was going on, who was talking to whom, etc., etc. My advice is don't be afraid to use "he said, she said, they said". In most cases, readers don't even notice it, they just read over it, and it keeps everyone informed about who is talking. This is the same for "Sally said, Bob said," etc. And keeping it simple with just "said" is also good, too. Making dialogue tags too fancy with tons of "Sarah mumbles, Ron whimpers, Billy sings" is when readers can get a little annoyed at the dialogue tags, because it takes more time to get on with the story, can be distracting, and those types of tags are trying to say something that should be conveyed in the dialogue itself.
Anyways, overall I thought this was pretty cool! I also thought it was rather interesting how the sort of immortal being stops someone from killing the lady that was trying to kill them, because... they want to die them self? Rather morbid, but it did put an interesting twist on things!
Keep it up!
-Holysocks
God Killer is referring to the blue stuff on the dagger. It's the only poison that can kill the members of the god species. Taleweaver has a soft metal vessel and that's why their face dented. Both characters that were using normal dialogue were females and Tale was using italics. I definitely could have done more description but it can get rather difficult to do so to motivate myself to finish this I left out most of the descriptions. I actually only wrote this small section and nothing else.