Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I’d moved to Belgium from Paris to be closer to my mother, in an attempt to manumit my heart from its eternal bereavement. I lived alone, a life which I wasn’t accustomed, and but I assumed it would be for the best, to distance myself, refraining from any opportunity pertaining to anything extraneous to my isolation and solitude. I became severely vexed. I did not want anything to do with anyone. All I desired was her. In my aloofness, mother prescribed that I needed a woman. And then there was Claire – plain, ambitious Claire. We married, she gave me a child, her trust, her loyalty and her love; all of which made me somewhat happy, but merely temporarily seized my attention.The memory of her, my darling Angelina, still remains embedded in my mind.

It isn’t merely a memory that has distracted me from blessings of my picturesque family; it is a much deeper vexation. I have a yearning for her touch, her figure perfectly fitted into my bosom, the look in her eyes and to see her smile again, that heart-warming smile. If only I could see her again!

Today, a desperate feeling has risen inside, my heart ablaze in anxieties and an urge to run. I want to find her! I could take a train to Paris without any trouble. Oh! What a foolish thought! I am a married man now, this will not do. But… I could see to it that Claire and our child are looked after – I can establish an annuity! But no, no I can’t. And besides, she is nowhere known to me. I do not know whether she is dead or still living among us. Is this angelic being walking the earth with another man perhaps, intermingled arm in arm as we once were? I have not been nearly the same. She completed me and now I have lost her. She is my reverie, and now I am ruined. I married someone I do not love, a wasteful, conceited endeavor in hopes of filling the void within me.

I do not love my wife. I do not. It is such a shameful thought, but I can’t help saying what I feel. And I can’t continue to live in hypocrisy. This is the truth and this ugly honesty is unacceptable, detested in the sacred shire. Why must it be wrong? Why must it be? Father Hoffman ridiculed my endeavors and thoughts, “A great sin it is to lust for another woman,” he admonished, yet I remained unaffected.

Oh, Angelina! Where are you? Why did you leave me there so many years ago? She was gone. Gone, gone! I could not believe it, I would not accept it, but then there was the letter, and I knew the truth. Whether I’d rejected it, this reality remains immovable, and I figure I will always be imprisoned to my thoughts and the memory of my past love.

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
First of all, welcome to YWS! i hope you enjoy your time here, i know i sure have. If you need anything, feel free to contact me!
Now, onto the review. To begin, i'd like to compliment your writing style. You have a very clear voice, easy for an audience to enjoy and follow. An impressive vocabulary, too. Reading this story was very pleasant, and it seems you have the makings of a great writer. The thing that i feel you do need to work on, however, is plot and emotion.
Plot and emotion, i feel, need to come together in this case. Your story moves very quickly here, leaving out a lot about the main characters story, which in turn makes it difficult to understand his emotions. You mention the character's intense love for Angelina. Why was it so intense? Provide evidence, convince us why the character's love is so undying. You start to do this when you describe the character's yearning for her touch, but it is very brief, and i believe much more description is required. Provide memories, specific ones, which will not leave the character alone. Perhaps some simple time where they ate breakfast together, or walked in the park. Some everyday occurrence that seemed extraordinary because of the character's love for Angelina. In turn, you could contrast this to the love of Claire, memories of her, their relationship. This could help the audience better understand why the character might marry again, and the dynamic of their current relationship. It would also be good to include more information about why the Character and Angelina were no longer together. You have some here, about how one day she was just gone, and letter, but there is so much more to tell, and the way you tell it, the audience will want to listen.
Another bit of advice i have, certainly much more minor, is to just read through this piece carefully again. There were a few grammar errors, particularly towards the beginning, which i think could easily be weeded out with a careful re-examination.
Anyways, sorry if that seemed harsh. i really do like your voice, and look forward to reading future works from you. If you have any questions, or would like clarification, feel free to ask!
herbgirl

Hey there, welcome to YWS!

There seems to be a lot of lusting after lost loves these days, or having that horrid feeling that you're either involved or getting involved with the wrong person, when you love someone else. Or maybe that's just me?

I can certainly sympathise with the MC! It royally sucks to not have strong feelings for the person you're with. And it is just not fun at all to be even confused about who your feelings are for. Love triangles SOUND ridiculous and unrealistic until you're feeling those conflicted feelings and banging your head against the wall! In which case, they're ridiculous, but yeah.

And then there was Claire – plain, ambitious Claire. We married, she gave me a child,