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The Diary

by Alex2322



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5 Reviews


Points: 873
Reviews: 5

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Sun Oct 14, 2012 2:58 pm
TemptingDreams wrote a review...



Hmmm..I just read the other comments on this and I saw that everyone was slightly confused and slightly disturbed...By giving out suggestions of such. But maybe this is the actual post? Maybe you feel complied enough to make this..? Maybe this expresses how you are feeling. A simple dot is enough, it could paint a simple picture...Maybe you just feel so empty or lonely so you write simply nothing at all...? I dont know, these are only questions I ask myself..Only you know why and how you wrote it..
Or, maybe you just couldn't be bothered to write...I dont know :D




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7 Reviews


Points: 831
Reviews: 7

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Mon Oct 01, 2012 6:51 pm
LovelyTeaRoses says...



Is there supposed to be anything here?




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30 Reviews


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Fri Sep 28, 2012 3:10 am
VampireSenshi wrote a review...



So, what to say about this...

I can't really see it very much. In fact, I can't see it at all.

I don't know if that's just my computer being stupid, or something up with the site. I'll figure it out later.

- From what I've read from Double I, it seems like something I would read and most likely enjoy. Especially if it's a poe-esque type of thing.

Obviously I never find grammar mistakes, so I still see none here. And it appears that Double I didn't either. So that means you get a gold star in that department - *

Although it appears that Double I didn't enjoy the story, I'm sure that I would...

-

And I know you're going to be reading this and thinking - what a POS review! he didn't even see it! But let me tell you, I did see it. with my heart *pats chest*

6/10 - if only because I couldn't see it




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289 Reviews


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Thu Sep 27, 2012 10:39 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Heyy Alex!

I must say, I don't read horror, but this is definitely a horror short, or at least, trying to be. When I read through the events, 'Poe' was the first thing that popped into my mind. I dunno if that's who you were trying to imitate (or at least got your idea from), but that's the impression I got.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, this lacks emotion, and tension. You don't build up to the event, add those subtle sounds, impressions, and above all, emotion . Where's the gradual realization of the woman, the cold sinking feeling that cuts through the alcohol, the slow but increasing struggle of the woman as she sees the chains, her desperate screams? Or maybe her drunken cooperation, which rapidly turns into struggle? And also, the madman's feelings? His motivations, why does he kill this woman, and perhaps other signs pointing towards his derangement, more murders, perhaps his arrest or suicide?

In short, the piece at the moment is flat and blank, but that can be remedied quite easily!

And now, from the grammatical point of view:

Dear Diary, Today I went to the bar. I saw this woman, she was the most georgeous thing i have ever seen. I walked over to her, and introduced myself. Her Voice was the sweetest voice i have heard in a long time. I felt like I needed to get to know her, so..out of instinc.. I approached her. First I asked her what her name was. Rosalie Kullemen. I offered to buy her a drink. She accepted my offering, and at that point i felt like we had connected. I didn't pay much attention to the time, but im sure i was talking to her for almost two hours.


Well, diary doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized, but that's a personal choice. I'm fairly sure 'today' doesn't though, especially after a comma. So, our madman is going to a bar. 'The' bar, actually. Using 'the' implies it's a bar he goes to often, but the readers don't know that. So either ' a bar' or you add something to explain it's the bar he usually goes. You also don't describe the bar at all, which leaves us In the second line, you misspell 'georgeous', which should be spelled 'gorgeous'. Furthermore, the following 'i' isn't capitalized. That could be a choice of style, but it's more of a poetic thing, and besides, you capitalize most other I's. So. Moving on. You also misspell 'instinc', which should be spelled 'instinct'. Then, this woman is introduced. You give us her name, but that's it. She's gorgeous, but we don't know what she looks like. Uuuuummm.

I offered to take her home when the bar started to close, but she ended up coming over to my house. My house wasn't the greatest, it sits off the road into the woods kind of like a cabin. You could still see the road, and cars that passed, so it's not that bad. I thought everything was going great so far. We kept drinking, but she had a little more than I did. The night was ever lasting. She must have saw a picture of my family, and I because she started talking about them.


House by the woods... now where have I heard that before? xD You don't actually describe the house though, which still leaves a blank :/ And she starts talking about the madman's family... what does she say though? All this makes the scene hard to visualize.

I was sure it was the alcohol she had in her system but I could not tolerate it. I told her to make herself at home. I went into the celler where I had chains hanging off of hooks. I unraveled the chains from the hook, and called for her. I stood under the staircase watching her make her way down the stairs. She got to the bottom, and that's when I made my move. I wrapped the chains around her neck, pulling them tightly together listening to her choke, and gaps for air. I knew she was drunk, either that or she was just weak. I crossed the chains, and tied them into a knot so that some of the chain was out. I wasn't going to let her go, so I lifted her up and placed the chain on the hook. The only sounds that were audible where her gasps for air, and the chains rattling together. And soon..there was silence.


Dum dum dum, suddenly the piece takes a turn for the darker. Which is surprising, as you don't actually give subtle or not-so-subtle hints or anything, which is kind of jarring. The message here isn't conveyed though, because as I said, it lacks emotions and sensory input, which is quite important actually.

So yeah, hope this helped!
~Ita





Nothing is impossible, for the word itself says, 'I'm possible!'
— Audrey Hepburn