Published September 27, 2012
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,618 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
Hmmm..I just read the other comments on this and I saw that everyone was slightly confused and slightly disturbed...By giving out suggestions of such. But maybe this is the actual post? Maybe you feel complied enough to make this..? Maybe this expresses how you are feeling. A simple dot is enough, it could paint a simple picture...Maybe you just feel so empty or lonely so you write simply nothing at all...? I dont know, these are only questions I ask myself..Only you know why and how you wrote it..
Or, maybe you just couldn't be bothered to write...I dont know
Is there supposed to be anything here?
So, what to say about this...
I can't really see it very much. In fact, I can't see it at all.
I don't know if that's just my computer being stupid, or something up with the site. I'll figure it out later.
- From what I've read from Double I, it seems like something I would read and most likely enjoy. Especially if it's a poe-esque type of thing.
Obviously I never find grammar mistakes, so I still see none here. And it appears that Double I didn't either. So that means you get a gold star in that department - *
Although it appears that Double I didn't enjoy the story, I'm sure that I would...
-
And I know you're going to be reading this and thinking - what a POS review! he didn't even see it! But let me tell you, I did see it. with my heart *pats chest*
6/10 - if only because I couldn't see it
Heyy Alex!
I must say, I don't read horror, but this is definitely a horror short, or at least, trying to be. When I read through the events, 'Poe' was the first thing that popped into my mind. I dunno if that's who you were trying to imitate (or at least got your idea from), but that's the impression I got.
Unfortunately, in my opinion, this lacks emotion, and tension. You don't build up to the event, add those subtle sounds, impressions, and above all, emotion . Where's the gradual realization of the woman, the cold sinking feeling that cuts through the alcohol, the slow but increasing struggle of the woman as she sees the chains, her desperate screams? Or maybe her drunken cooperation, which rapidly turns into struggle? And also, the madman's feelings? His motivations, why does he kill this woman, and perhaps other signs pointing towards his derangement, more murders, perhaps his arrest or suicide?
In short, the piece at the moment is flat and blank, but that can be remedied quite easily!
And now, from the grammatical point of view:
Well, diary doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized, but that's a personal choice. I'm fairly sure 'today' doesn't though, especially after a comma. So, our madman is going to a bar. 'The' bar, actually. Using 'the' implies it's a bar he goes to often, but the readers don't know that. So either ' a bar' or you add something to explain it's the bar he usually goes. You also don't describe the bar at all, which leaves us In the second line, you misspell 'georgeous', which should be spelled 'gorgeous'. Furthermore, the following 'i' isn't capitalized. That could be a choice of style, but it's more of a poetic thing, and besides, you capitalize most other I's. So. Moving on. You also misspell 'instinc', which should be spelled 'instinct'. Then, this woman is introduced. You give us her name, but that's it. She's gorgeous, but we don't know what she looks like. Uuuuummm.
House by the woods... now where have I heard that before? xD You don't actually describe the house though, which still leaves a blank :/ And she starts talking about the madman's family... what does she say though? All this makes the scene hard to visualize.
Dum dum dum, suddenly the piece takes a turn for the darker. Which is surprising, as you don't actually give subtle or not-so-subtle hints or anything, which is kind of jarring. The message here isn't conveyed though, because as I said, it lacks emotions and sensory input, which is quite important actually.
So yeah, hope this helped!
~Ita