Forelog

Hello Aleta. Just here for a critique.

Well, first of all, this is a really fascinating concept you have here! It's like reading something about *how* you were made and I really enjoyed the mystery lingering in the paragraphs. It makes me what wonder if something goes wrong and then its implications. I'm looking forward to read the next bit (which I currently see in the Green Room) but I don't know if it still is when I come back for ii.

I was a little confused at first as to whom the human was addressing--I did figure out that it's for humans but for the moment, I thought this was like a "how-to" for the builders. Let me show you the places:

If you are to continue, as a builder you must be prepared to complete a handful of tasks to gather enough substance to finalize your work.

What you will see now will be something above all comprehension of the human mind, but it is all said and done.

Prepare to have your very consciousness rattled!

Hi, Aleta.
First things first, parts of this « Forelog » felt awkward – mostly because of punctuation. Myjaspercat went over everything already so I won't.
I have a feeling that you tried to write in a manner that is a little outdated. You use expressions like « methings », which are not really run of the mill. Unless you are a Shakespeare fan, of course. And a lot of sentences feel convoluted. It's nice. It gives everything a certain « verneer ».
But be careful. I love how it reads like a manual. However, guidebooks are written with clarity as a priority. Don't sacrifice it for the sake of giving your novel a little flourish.
That being said, I loved this. I really loved this. It seems that I've been waiting forever for a sort of 'golem' type of novel.
Will the entire book be written that way or only the first chapter ? If it's supposed to be an outside quote used as an introduction, it would be nice to give it the usual trappings of a quote, with a title, a date, an author, an editor, etc.
I would be curious to read what you publish next but I'm terrible at keeping track. Don't hesitate to message me when you post the next chapter.

Hey there, Aleta
Myjaspercat here for a review----

In the immense pool of molds and clay, hearts and varying souls, vessels and visages, is the formula to build a human. Wow. That sentence right there really captivated me. Good job, I hope the rest of your writing does the same. The human consists of the outer mold, the appearance, and the inner mold, the emotion. So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that appearance and emotion have to do with the inner and outer molds, and in case I'm right, I have one suggestion. Instead of using a comma after mold I would use something like a hyphen or a semi-colon. Without the inner mold, the body may spring out of the clay in which you've handcrafted it. This sentence reads a little weird to me, but not enough so to take away from the piece.Despite your endeavor, the capabilities of its external features will be limited. MethinksHmm I don't know if I particularly like 'methinks.' Grammatically, it's not wrong, it just doesn't seem to flow with the rest of your writing. one would not putgo through all their the efforts to receive only a body; a creation. It is then you must also imbue your craft with what is called a personality.

A personality makes up the being of your creation, how they may react emotionally and externally to different situations in their meager life. Again I think that your starting line has a nice punch to it. The personality however, can have drawbacks too. Depending on the materials used, it may reverse and carry along with it a negative attachment to the external appearance or mind. I have seen it with mine my own eyes, and I assure you it is not pretty. The body may become ugly and gnarled, or perhaps ineffective in one way or another; the mind can deteriorate and the life span can shorten. If you are lucky, it may be something less noticeable such as something undesirable in your creation's personality; whether passive aggressiveness, sadism, depression, or egoism. Ok, I like the ideas that you are bouncing around here, yet I wouldn't necessarily say that sadism and egoism are less noticeable. Passive aggressiveness and depression could be, yes but the others, in my experience are easy to pick out in someone's personality. Just a thought to chew upon

It is vital to be wary of risky materials and to be careful when fashioning its personality and visage. This guide will take you through the depths of working a mold, adding to the appearance, intellectual capabilities and mind. It all lays in the builder's hands, and it depends solely on the builder to fully complete the vision he happens to think of. I warn all those reading this once again, I beg of you to be careful! I believe no one would want a failed creation tarnishing their name. This is a very simple, yet important paragraph, in my opinion and I applaud that.

The repercussions of your creation may reap manslaughter of other humans, Maybe it's just me but this sentence so far reads a little weird, kind of like there's a word missing. and the anger of other builders. If you are to continue, as a builder I would add a comma here if I were you. you must be prepared to complete a handful of tasks to gather enough substance to finalize your work. You must be willing to travel to all four points of the earth to craft your desired creation's traits. By adhering to these acknowledgements, we are now ready to progress through the elements of creation. We are going back now, to another place, another sense of reality. Read close, and you will see it through your eyes, for this is no ordinary book. You will now feel a pressing sleepiness, and a drought of wakefulness clouding your mortal mind. What you will see now will be something above all comprehension of the human mind, but it is all said and done. Prepare to have your very consciousness rattled! I don't know if the exclamation point is necessary here

P.S, if you are not all the way gone by now, you may ask why a human like you knowswould know so many things. If the this book finds you to have trusty eyes and tongue, all will be unlayered eventually. Be patient!