Who would have thought that making friends is such a terrible and hard feat. Throughout my life I've certainly been the shy one among my friends, but I was never alone. Truth be said, I think just these friends are partialy responsible for the kind of a man I've become. They have never been the best, backstabbed and ditched eachother whenever they had a chance, and I was no exception, but at least I can say I had never done anything to hurt them.
They were bad friends, but they were my friends; thus, I was never alone.
I've always seen the departing from my hometown to the capital to study at university as a fresh start, a chance to find out what the real friendship might be. Weeks passed, and sure I got to know many new people, but I befriended no one. Somehow, as if the pictures rolled before my eyes, everyone was friends, and I was left alone. It was a feeling yet uknown to me.
I can partially credit my bad friends for what had happened, for my ruined fresh start. It was only then when I realized how distrustful of other people I actually am, so I kept my distance without a real reason, concealed behind earphones and some good music. I guess thats why no one approached me either. But I know it's still my own fault, after all.
There was a girl at the university, and she was gorgeous. It's no suprise she caught my eye, so I guess I was really no different than any other typical guy. Maybe I'm a little bit skinnier than the average, at least. I think I fell into a complete platonic love with her when I got to know her better. We got to talk to eachother few times, and I've always considered those precious moments as my small accomplishments. She was actually really rich, thanks facebook, though one could never tell that since she was really down to earth person. Normally, a group of wanna-be babes gathered around her. I can assure you, I really never cared about money in my life, and I was completely certain I will make a decent life for myself anyway.
It were those few moments of talk that got me fall in love so hard. Platonic one.
Well, except that she was popular (but not american-popular, stereotype girl, things work a little bit different where I come from), we had quite some things in common. Our interests and our high school stories matched almost identically.
I'm not the one to approach such a girl on my own. I had never actually considered trying to win her over, though I think I could make a chance.
Once I saw her standing alone, smoking. I walked to her, and asked for a fire; I really forgot to bring mine. She didn't have one herself, since she had just borrowed one from someone walking by, but she let me light a cigarette off of hers.
I managed to lead a decent conversation. How unusual of me. Her friends arrived, so we departed with a smiles.
Now the course started, and I can hear proffesor speaking. I sit alone as usual, not being brave enough to be the part of conversation. That always made me hugely dissappointed with myself, but I could not change it. I could only listen, sleep and study on my own. I can say I feel invisible. People sit in groups, chatter in whispers, and laugh. A paper where we sign our names pass through the classroom. As if I was actually invisible, it ran from hand to hand around me, and finally everyone signed, except for me.
Not such a big deal, I will just sign it when the course is done. I proceeded with daydreaming and listeting in silence. With the corner of my eye, I can see a colleague walking down the stairs to give the paper back to the professor.
And suddenly a voice is heard across the room. "Wait, Peter didn't sign it yet."
My hearth bumps. I am not invisible. I was noticed, and I was noticed by her. Why?
Paper passes through the hands and it finally reaches the shocked me. How could she notice? Why would she ever notice such a minor thing? My hand shakes as I sign my name at the bottom of the paper, and my knees tottle as I take the paper to the professor. I return to my seat, not daring to raise a head. I finally look at her, but she is already back chatting with her friends, as usual.
But now I know I'm not forgotten. It is truly a great feeling. Maybe someday, I can make my own fresh start, after all.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Platonic means just friends. I don't think this word belongs in the story. I sense that the narrator has real feelings for this girl. Be careful what words you use when telling a story. That one word threw off the whole story. Other than that...it has good elements to it but I'd work on detail, and working on some of your sentence structure, and spelling. I Feel like this was a bit rushed and underdeveloped, maybe if you added some kind of major event, that could make the difference for me. Great imagery tho, definitely keep writing. You just need practice is all.
Nope, platonic love can be simply admiring someone for what he is, thats what the narraror thinks he feels, though it doens't have to be what is real. But platonic is certainly not only friends love, I assure you.
Thanks for review, I agree on the rest though.
You said he had a crush on her, therefore romantic feelings are involved. Platonic means devoid of those romantic feelings.
But, I didn't say so in the text itself.
And since it's a first person narration, he can be romantically in love but choose to neglect it.
Noted
What kind of man has the narrator become? A shy one? Because of his friends? Why?
What did they do?
Platonic... love? Isn't that love between friends? Didn't the narrator just spend half the story pointing out how he has no friends? This really sounds more like a crush.
A stalkerish crush, at that, though who am I to point fingers. If it's out on Facebook, it's out to the world, I suppose. Also, it strikes me as interesting that the narrator not only feels the need to point out that the girl is quite rich, but also that he really really doesn't care about money. Quite an obsession with money he's got there.
And he's similarly insistent on pointing out how platonically he is into this girl. Does he stalk her Facebook platonically? Does he go to sleep at night imagining platonically ravishing her?
Just how long were their "few moments" of talk that he'd already know her high school stories? This story deprives me of so much information.
I'm not sure what to make of this sentence. Her friends arrived, so her and the narrator decided to ditch the said friends for a platonic romp in the bushes? Her friends arrived, so her and the narrator and the friends decided to go somewhere? Where are they going?
Why, indeed. The keystone of the story, consistently ignored in favour of fluff. The "why" is never explored. Why were his friends bad? Why did he get no new friends in university? Why, oh why would a wealthy, popular girl notice a quiet loser's name missing from the class roster? Hey-- I'm not saying it can't happen. It happens all the time. Usually, though, there's a great reason as to why it did. This reason is not provided in this piece, so it reads less like a piece, and more like a wish fulfillment blog.
There's a lot going on here. It should be concentrated for a harder punch, or expanded for a greater plot. It should not, in my humble opinion, say "this happened, that happened, yay happy end".
Your bad friend,
cC
Ehh, you reviewed, you cant be my bad friend
hm, i kinda did explained why his friends were so bad, in a single line though.. The rest just really has to stay a big why. This is a first person narration, and he himself doesnt know it. Also, you were right to call it a crush, it basically is. And last, well... He actually really doesnt care about money but since he as a narrator pointed that out, his excuse was pretty poor.
Aww, so sad. Why are you making a sad story? Now I feel sad to review this piece.
Well, I will go straight to the protagonist. He knew his friends were bad, but he still sticked with them because they were his friends, and that would make him not alone. But I wonder, if "loneliness" is just confined to the meaning of "lack of companions". For me, loneliness stretches further beyond that; when one fails to communicate effectively with one's friends, one is alone; when one cannot find a similarity between one and them, you are alone; when one cares about them but they do not care about him, one is alone. Loneliness can be described in a broader sense, and more specific context.
I personally do not agree with the protagonist. If his friends are bad, they're toxic to him. Leave them, even if it costs him companions. It is better to have no friend at all than to have bad friends who would influence him negatively. Even the barest, good communication he has with others he should treasure because they are his good memories. I hope you can show to him that although he might not have the friends he want, there are still people who do good things on him, no matter how little the things are.
In terms of sentence structure, I think you can improve on it. Here is an example of it, the edited first paragraph:
It has mixed tenses. You have to stick to one of them. Tenses are tricky things for me, so I can't tell you how to fix them. All in all, this is a thoughtful piece. You just have to elaborate further about the theme to make it more realistic and engaging.
Hello! This was a very lovely story, and I found myself yearning to know how it would end. Would he continue to be noticed, and eventually, do things to make his presence more known? Your protagonist was certainly easy to cheer for, and for me at least, this was due to the short back story you gave about his bad friends in grade school. "They were bad friends, but they were my friends; thus, I was never alone." He endured them for an opportunity to be able to say that he had friends, and that was heartbreaking to me personally, because I once had a group of friends that were the same way. And I used the same excuse for staying with them.
There were only two mistakes that immediately caught my attention. #1 being your first sentence. It should end with a question mark. This slightly hindered my ability to focus on the rest of your story because it was the first thing I read.
#2 In places your story changed back and forth from present tense to past tense, and it was a little confusing. For example, one line read, "I managed to lead a decent conversation." This line was in the past tense. And then a line right below it read, "Now the course started, and I can hear proffesor (which is spelled, professor) speaking. I sit alone as usual," These lines here are in the present tense. In order to make your story flow more smoothly, you may consider picking one tense or the other and going with it. I would make it much easier to read and understand.
Overall, great job on your story! It was pleasant and enjoyable (especially the ending). Keep writing!
Splendid! Good job. I only review a couple of pieces daily and your's piece is my first preference for today.
Should we start? Well, here I go!
Well, I'll comment about the overall work at the end and pick those things first which should be, in my point of view, a little different.
I have this feeling that you were a little shy to proofread your work. There were some minor mistakes here and there. Let's talk about them now.
A couple of things here.
1. You missed the comma after the word "life". That's needed there.
2. Among or Amongst? Think about it.
Partially, dude! Missed one "L" there.
[qoute]... and ditched eachother whenever they had a chance...[/quote]
Each other. Separate both of these words. They are two different words.
A couple of things here, again.
1. "Unknown" The spelling mistake.
2. a comma before and after yet. It'll make the sentence look neater.
Same "each other" mistake!
What? The commas used were completely wrong and the sentence itself didn't make any sense. Please try to clarify yourself here.
I have never heard of this word "fire" before in this context. Why didn't you simply call it a lighter?
Confusing! "off of" thingy. I am unsure as to how to make it look nicer. Maybe you can try changing it?
An exclamation mark instead of the period/full stop, I suppose.
Wait! What? "A smiles" Nah! Change it to maybe "a smile", "exchanging smiles", or "smiling at each other"?
1. The spelling mistake. It's "Professor"!
2. Change the can to could.
"My hands were shaking as I signed my name" Poor grammar!
I RETURNED to my seat.
Overall, it wasn't a bad idea to write this story. I still am unsure if it was based on real events because it seemed like it.
The grammar and punctuation were really poor (Sorry!) and I really would want you to proofread your work before you post them on here so that you don't make such minor punctuation and spellings mistakes.
Keep writing and good luck.
Hmmm, i kinda swtched tenses intentionally, though the rest is just english being my 2nd language.. But tenses mixture, at least played out the way i wanted. Tnx for a rewiev!