EDIT: Firstly ... *ashamed*. Secondly ... don't worry about Agulin. You'll need to know him in the sequel, but this is Book I. So relax. Just remember Anull = Big Nasty.
Um ... yes. Well. I went to go get Chapter Ten and realized it's like -- half a page. SO. This is Chapter Ten -- AND Eleven! :D
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CHAPTER TEN
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“Excuse me?” Anull said flatly, the man before him paling a few shades. He was a messenger, the livery clearly Agulin, though Anull had it on good authority that he was born in Senvar and raised in Schoi. It meant the man was a mercenary, and Anull had never liked mercenaries.
“Uhm,” the man stammered, avoiding Anull’s eyes, “Lord Agulin sends his deepest regrets that he did not manage to—greet—the envoy himself, but that he fully intends to find time to speak with them once they reach the capital. He also wishes to say that he is most surprised that a J’engar envoy was approved, but applauds your decision.”
Something very akin to rage crept up Anull’s insides, turning his face a particularly unhealthy shade of mottled purple. “Get out of my sight, man, before I have you killed! And while you’re at it, find out who’s guiding them!”
The messenger fled, wisely believing that Anull would have little hesitation taking out his frustrations on the poor messenger. Anull slammed a fist down onto the arm of his throne, shouting so loudly that the throne room rang with his anger—“I thought I told Agulin to kill the brutes!”
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CHAPTER ELEVEN
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Daeun was well used to waking in strange places, often times with Tsuunai standing guard, but he’d never awoken to a pair of black eyes, so wickedly beautiful that it took him a moment to figure out if he was still dreaming or not. He struggled upward, wondering what the hell he’d gotten himself into, and then—he remembered. A wide, beaming smile exploded onto his face, blue eyes dancing. “Good morning!”
“Talons,” a man grunted distantly, obviously disgusted by Daeun’s uncanny ability to be so damnably awake in the morning.
“Unless you wish this morning to deteriorate—and quickly,” Ianna added, after a moment’s consideration, “you’ll unsheathe that blade and get us as far away from here as possible.”
Tsuunai dipped his head in quiet agreement, and Daeun cast a wary eye to the west; the patch of skin at the base of his neck began to tingle, and in a moment he was on his feet, smiles forgotten. He leapt onto Tsuunai’s back without a second thought. “Head southeast!” he shouted, kicking Tsuunai westward. “Stop at the Roseleaf Inn and ask for Beo!”
Ianna spared only a moment to watch Tsuunai’s gleaming black hide disappearing towards the horizon. “Run,” she said softly, and they started forward, crossing the smooth terrain easily. Compared to the dunes, this land was nothing.
Daeun circled back along their path until he found what he had expected—an Agulin patrol, clothed in all black, noses all but touching the ground in the effort to follow their quarry’s trail through hard ground and sparse grasses. He did not hesitate; donning the cloth mask all Resistance soldiers wore, he shook loose his sword and stabbed it skyward. “Death to the king!” he shouted, his voice ringing clearly over the flat, unchanging landscape. “Death to those who follow him!”
Their heads jerked up as if he’d smacked them, and just as he knew they would, they started after him at a dead run.
Ianna slid to a halt, her keen ears easily picking out Daeun’s voice on the wind, his words clear despite the distance. “Death to the king!—Death to those who follow him!”
Caelun gave a brief sour smile, fingering the hilt of his sword. “Battle, my queen?”
Her decision had already been made; she nodded sharply. “No ally of J’engar-ai fights alone.”
Daeun allowed them to follow him for only a short distance before whirling, catching them off guard long enough to cut one of them down. He reined Tsuunai in sharply, wheeling him round to take another pass, when a horrifying scream cut through the air. It was more of a battle cry than an actual scream; and seconds later a woman appeared square in the middle of the Agulin patrol, eyes pure gold, fingers held out like claws. “J’engar-ai!” she screamed, and lashed out with fire in her fists—the men ran from her, desperate and wailing in fear, swords forgotten. Wherever they ran, another J’engar fighter leapt upward, striking them down, until there were no more left to kill.
Ianna shook her fist in the air. “J’engar-ai!” she yelled, face split in a wild grin. “J’engar-ai! Bless Aedaan—bless the gods! J’engar-ai!”
Her men echoed her sentiments, grinning, and Daeun grinned with them, stuffing his mask into Tsuunai’s saddlebags. “Well met, Your Majesty,” he murmured, dismounting. She seized his forearm in a fierce, tight grip, baring her teeth at him in a smile that was both frightening and terribly beautiful.
“No ally of mine fights alone,” she said happily, and then slapped his shoulder hard enough to make him stagger a little. Her smile faded, and her tone grew serious. “Now is the time to explain yourself, friend. When my ally fights, I fight—and J’engar-ai never fights blindly.”
“You heard me,” Daeun realized, horror lancing through him—if Ianna let it slip what he had said, he would be a dead man the instant they entered the capital.
“Yes,” Ianna agreed. “We did.” She stepped closer, dark eyes regarding him solemnly. “Tell me, Talon; why do you speak of rebellion?”
“To draw their attention,” Daeun said effortlessly, flashing her a quick smile. “Killing a member of the Resistance is far more valuable than killing a J’engar.”
“He lies,” a man to his right said flatly, and Ianna nodded.
“That he is,” she agreed, and looked at Daeun with the very same look his mother had used on him when he’d stolen cookies from his father’s dish. It made him decidedly uncomfortable, but he knew that if he spoke, he stood the chance that they would tell the king what he had said, and that he could not allow.
“Perhaps,” Daeun admitted. “But permit me this lie, Your Majesty.” At her silence, he said brusquely, “If you still wish to go to Tvaar, we should go now, and quickly.”
Ianna lifted a hand in agreement, and when Daeun started forward, they followed, but this time, no one spoke, and the air around them was tense. He knew he had abused their trust by lying to them; but he was not yet sure of them, and until he was positive that they would side with him, he could speak nothing of it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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First sentence: repeat of 'messenger.' Also, a little confusion as to exactly whom Anull and Agulin are, since the names are so similar. You might insert: "king of Talon" in there somewhere. And who exactly is Agulin? Sorry, I'm a little confused. And who are the brutes? Also, the little mistake greenjay pointed out about thrones and crowns, lol.
Also...don't capitilize words like that! It's uncool and unprofessional. Really, in any good fantasy novel (check up on this for yourself, if you please) you don't find stuff like: "GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU WORM!" shouted the king angrily. Instead: "Get out of my sight, you worm!" shouted the king angrily. It's just more mature. Saying 'shouted' is enough, you don't need to demonstrate it by all that eye-tearing capitilization, too!
You said 'he lies' and then you said 'that he is.' You have to be consistent. "He's lying" goes with "That he is." "He lies" goes with "So he does." Get it? Hard to explain why, but it's a matter of grammar.
All right, good job! Am I sensing definite romantic interest between Lord Genor whats-his-name and Lady Ianna-of-whatever-impossible-to-pronounce-last-name?
Keep posting, please!
Au revoir...
~Madame Kool
Ah? Don't you mean throne or something?
Three things:
1. You said "allay" many times...it's ally (yes I hate spelling too).
2. Ianna fights with her fists and nails? You can keep that if you want, but one it is unrealistic and kinda gross if you think about it and two it's kind boring (it be cooler if she had some sweet weapon). If you explained how she fought with magic or something it would be better and make more sense.
3. Explain the battle more thoroughly. This might just be me (and the fact that I'm a guy), but in leaving out the details of the battle you loose so much.
Besides those things it was really good. Also I think this is perfectly fine as just one chapter. Plus chapter 10 is just too short.
Good job!
-the jay of green