Oho! It would appear I have switched gears on you! :D I'm a big fan of the elusive-enemy-random-chapter-appearance style, so here's my random chapter. Also, there's a lot of new cities and names and everything, so if you get confused, I'll post the map. Yes, a map. So. Let me know.
----------------------------------------
Among the flourishing gardens of Talon’s capital, Tvaar, a council was being held; it was an unofficial council, between King Anull and Lords Bettin and Genor, and by no means to be interrupted. King Anull used these young lords as informants, though it would have surprised him to know that the supposedly empty-headed Lord Daeun of Genor was the fiery leader of the Resistance, and feeding him useless bits of information in order to gain information from the king himself.
Lord Bettin was truly the fool King Anull pegged him for, and willingly submitted all the information he could find on the Resistance, which wasn’t much—but, somehow, he had discovered a small nugget of information. Lord Genor could only guess how he had found it; most likely, someone had fed it to him.
But who? Agulin?
"It was as we feared, your majesty," Lord Bettin simpered, holding his fur hat weakly in his hands. "I have confirmed that it was the Resistance who turned away the border patrols these last three times."
Lord Genor clucked his tongue wearily. "Fools."
"This can go on no longer," King Anull said grandly, in his most patriotic voice—a voice Lord Genor knew to be as false as King Anull's "wish" for peace. "Thank you, lads. You may go."
As they left, the king called forth his favorite magician, an oily character named—amusingly enough—Oiden. Lord Genor watched with interest as Oiden leaned near, crooked and rotting teeth bared in a fierce grin. "Double them, yes, majesty, of course, I’ll send word immediately," Oiden said with a cackle as he flew away again, leaving Lord Genor with quite a predicament on his hands.
He left Lord Bettin, taking his horse from the groom impatiently, clearly agitated. Doubled patrols would mean an impossible strain on his thin ranks, and they were needed elsewhere, especially near Corvul and Serrno, where the king suspected Resistance involvement and was seeking to strangle the life out of the smaller lords.
He played with the idea of asking the J’engar for help, but he had seen them before—fierce, wild creatures, as vicious as they were frightening, and he knew they would not like the idea of a Talon sending for their help as if they were his servants. They would see it that way—he was certain of it.
He rode to an inn just outside of Tvaar, where he was still connected to the life of the capital but far enough removed that, at a moment’s notice, he could ride for Genor with little impediment. There was Bano and Senvar to pass, of course, but he had pockets of Resistance hidden away there, as well, and they would make sure their leader got safely across Talon to his own lands.
He dismounted, patting his stallion, Tsuunai, lightly on the neck; the horse snorted gently at him, nudging his elbow as he handed the leads to the waiting hands of the inn’s groom. Tsuunai had been with him since he was a child; he was most effective as a warhorse, and loyal to the death. Whenever he left Genor lands, he was sure to ride Tsuunai, for Tsuunai was as good a bodyguard as any.
"Greetings, y’lordship," Gavin, the innkeeper, said politely. He was part of the Resistance, and had been invaluable to them, securing them in Resistance-friendly inns whenever danger reared its ugly head. "Any luck today?"
"Doubled patrols, Gavin," Daeun muttered, shaking his head, dark hair highlighted with blue and yellow in the watery light. "Doubled!"
Gavin winced, wiping his hands with a damp towel. "Dammit."
"My sentiments exactly, Gavin." Daeun sighed, easing himself down onto a bar stool to rub at his eyes wearily. His eyes—ha! They were notorious for being women-slayers, for they were an intense, enthralling blue that was hard to ignore. It had taken him months to learn how to shade their light from the king, but it took much effort to keep it up for long periods of time. "Any letters?"
"A messenger just rode in," Gavin said, in his typically sedate and melancholy way. "Looked as if the J’engar themselves were runnin’ after him."
"Oh?" Interested, Daeun levered himself back up, watching as Gavin dug out a letter from behind the counter and placed it, grubby and dirtied, before him. He opened it, noting the Resistance insignia hidden beneath the Genor royal seal, and read the garbled lines quickly. What he read astonished him—such a thing had never been heard of before!
"What is it?" Gavin asked suspiciously, leaning forward so that his rotund belly touched the wood.
"A J’engar envoy," Daeun breathed, hardly believing it himself. "They’ve been spotted crossing the border—they’re heading straight for Agulin!"
"Forgive the presumption, y’lordship, but you should probably forget the night’s sleep and make all haste," Gavin advised. "If they get to Agulin before y’do—"
"I understand quite clearly, Gavin. Thank you!" And with that, he was gone, catching the groom before the poor man even had a chance to get Tsuunai unsaddled. One moment, he was opening the door, and the next, he was galloping away, so that the poor groom had no idea what had just happened, and stood confused in the yard for quite a while afterwards.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Now is the lord resistence friendly guy Ganor or Daeun cause you kinda switched the names in the chapter but other than that I absolutely love this story and am going to follow it to the very end!
Sorry it took me so long, I was busy
.
. Not bad, good job.
Ooo! More characters and more conflicts
-greenjay
Exciting! I like the Resistance-friendly guy - Daeun? - with 'enthralling' blue eyes, just because I'm a sucker for cool guys with enthralling eyes. (example: Richard Armitage
)
I'm still not exactly certain what the Resistance is, although i'd assume that it's what it's name implies...a resistance. Have you given us any details, or are we supposed to be mystified about this?
Overall, a pretty good chapter. The new names, etc, didn't bother me or anything...just don't expect me to remember them all.
Okay. Evil, evil paragraph. Very, very bad indeed. Evil. *shudder*
Let me explain. First of all, "by no means" is not the correct phrase. It should be something like "under no circumstances." Just think about it and you'll understand why.
Second of all, besides the first sentence, it was a huge, ridiculous info-dump. Seriously. Hello, lovely gardens of Talon capital. Oh, and by the way, Lord Daeun is supposed by the king to be empty-headed when really he's really a leader of the Resistance who is giving the king bad information.
Blink. Blink.
See what I mean? I think you should just take out all that information about Daeun and drop it in later, when you actually have Daeun doing something cool for the Resistance. Later in this very chapter. You don't need to tell us right now, tell us later when he's talking with the other Resistance guy. Can't remember his name. But that would be time enough. Don't tell us all about everything in the first paragraph.
Also, it was slightly confusing. You're talking about the lovlely gardens, and suddenly you're describing the guys in the counsel. I think you should describe a little bit more...say something about the flowers and trees and luscious fruits, and the large, round table, and the however-many men sitting at the table, maybe drop a couple discreet descriptions about the men, and then you can start in about what they're actually saying. That would not only make it funner to read, but easier to understand, as well. Make it more gradual, if you catch my meaning.
One thing I noticed during this chapter is that you're changing viewpoints a lot. Who is asking this question? Lord Genor? You don't stay in Genor's mind for long, do you? You need to pick a character and get into his thoughts, no one else's. Either that, or don't go into their thoughts at all.
wait a minute...hold on...
No. Way.
Major discovery.
So...Lord Genor and Lord Daeun are apparently the same people? I give up. I'm so confused. Please make sure that your characters retain the same names throughout the chapter!!! head/desk head/desk head/desk repeatedly.
Anyway, besides that...er...little confusion, a good chapter. Just get yourself sorted out, or let me know if I'm the one who needs sorting out.
Au revoir,
~Madame Kool
P.S. Keep posting!!!