This was my assignment to write a film noir scene! Enjoy. It's full of cliches, because well,so is film noir.
The Dead End
Notes:
CHARACTERS
Alexandre
Nicolas
Leon Lafortune
LOCATION
This scene takes place in an emptying restaurant on a late night in San Francisco.
ALEXANDRE: I gotta say, that man is too rich for his blood. (sips from his glass of wine, surveying the room)
NICOLAS: Ya think? We all know that absolute power corrupts one absolutely.
ALEXANDRE: You can say that again! (sighs, looks at his watch, his face grim)
NICOLAS: (cocks his head) You waiting for a ship to come in or some’in?
ALEXANDRE: You’ll see when Lafortune’s wheel is turning with his hamster dead. (mutters under his breath) After all, good things come to those who wait.
NICOLAS: You can’t mean.. his son? You’re not gonna kill someone are ya?
ALEXANDRE: (laughs darkly) Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
(A young man, Leon Lafortune, Lafortune’s son, saunters in)
ALEXANDRE: Well, well, well, would you speak of the devil! (waves Leon over, smiling)
LEON: (drops into a chair, smirking, pulls out a pack of cigarettes) Any o’ ya’ll wanna gasper?
NICOLAS: You must be blind as a bat! (holds up his cigarette)
ALEXANDRE: He’s blinder than you might see, Nicolas. (slowly pulls out a pistol without the men noticing) I know your father is my wife’s murderer. My dick’s got a smoking gun.
LEON: (uncertainty spreads across his face) That’s not-!
ALEXANDRE: True? Well, truth is stranger than fiction.
NICOLAS: Alexandre! You must be crazy as a loon!
(Leon is still frozen in his seat)
ALEXANDRE: Really now? (points his pistol at Leon) Pretty soon you’ll be biting dust Leon.
(Alexandre puts the gun to Leon’s forehead and Nicolas tries to pull Alexandre away from Leon, but Alexandre turns the gun on him and shoots.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,736 Reviews
Hello!
just dropped by to read and maybe make a review or so.
.(though I know playwrighting is different from script writing, it could still help with the painting of this scene you want to share with others:) )
Okay, first thing is I found it really interesting! Though it Was too short, wanted more of it. Like a clearer picture of the dialogue and the connection of the characters with each other, other than being the victm's husband and the murderer's son and the friend of all... I think I would also suggest making more descriptions on the scene setting itself. Like more of the stage too
Also, in.... "Alexandre! You must be crazy as a loon!" Part, I think it was a little bit redundant. We all know that loons are crazy, try to describe 'crazy' to something that does not usually pertain to a human. Something like "you must be crazy as inferno!"
Hope this would help you ^^
Ah, once again, I'd like to say that I really liked this short script of yours!
Keep on creating!
-Sybil (waltzingdreams)
Hello Aisha!
First of all, well written. but, here, i think, for the help of the readers you should bold some lines or you know, do some highlighting.
Now, coming to your work, i don't slightly understand the script, it looks like incomplete to me. and, it would be nice if there were more description. like, why suddenly Alexandre kills Leon? only for his father was Alexandre's mother's killer? only for that? i don't find it enough for killing somebody.
And, dear, i wish there were some more.
Overall, nice work. Keep it up.
Stay fine and in fun.
~Min
Hey Ana,
Thanks for being the first to review my first work. Yay!
It was actually meant to be like 350 words, so I didn't have much room (or time) to work on this. When I handed this in, my teacher said that the last line was too 'expository', whatever that means
You're right about the murder not being enough to kill Leon. I don't think I thought it through. Partly because I wrote it within like, two hours (including editing, and I edit a LOT - sorry for the shouting, I don't know how to bold in comments).
Again, thank you
Take care,
Aisha
Well, it's alright Aisha. Your story was good, i just wanted few more details, now i understand your fact. if you ever get time and interest to make your this work complete enough, do it, i would love to know more!
And, you can bold lines at the edit option, i guess you didn't understand what i meant by saying that "you should bold some lines" sorry for talking in puzzle! 
)
Anyway, take care you too! Write more!
(I'm having a writer's block so i aren't being able to write lately and that's a bad thing