Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
May 16 1935
A blinking red light, small and inconspicuous, flickers off. My breath catches. Below the neon lamp, some text reads: “Rear propeller status”. They can’t know, can they? I grab a sharpie and scribble over the text, resulting in a jumbled mess that hopefully nobody will notice. “Reed prepare stasis”, yeah, that’ll do. Muttering to myself, I head below the main deck and peek into my room compartment. It smells of salt, body odour, Top-Flite deodorant, bay rum and a variety of nasty things. The concoction of smells… absolutely reeks. Grabbing a nearby clothespin and clamping it across my nose, I lift my tattered mattress and grab a revolver and a knife. I stuff the revolver into my pocket, which is getting uncomfortably large alongside my wallet and a half-eaten ham and cheese sandwich wrapped in a greasy rag. I check my hand watch, and promptly groan as it is almost time for my shift.
1:52 AM May 17
I sweep the engine room, the broom moving in a repetitive motion. “Any minute now…” I think, my fists clenching around the broom ever so slightly. Something rolls across the floor, a small cylindrical hand grenade. I use the broom to push it in the direction of the guards, and dive under a bench. I feel shockwaves spread across the room, my eardrums feel like they have burst. Chunks of flesh fly across the room, blood stains spill everywhere. I pull out my revolver and shoot the remaining two soldiers, after which I grab the broom and start to smash the controls to bits. “Smooth.” A new voice pops up, smooth and melodic. “Nice of you to make me do the dirty work, did you set up the explosives?” I grumble. “Of course I did,” she says indignantly. “Do you think I’m dumb?” “Sorta,” I mutter. “Now hurry up and give me the remote!” “No,” I look at her quizzically, confused at her sudden shift in tone. “I don’t need to follow orders from you anymore, old man. They’ve decided that you are redundant.” As her hand reaches to her pocket, I quickly grab my revolver and shoot her. Blood burst from her chest, spilling everywhere in a gory mess. I quickly grab the remote, pushing her body to a more secluded place. Slipping out of the room, I can see the whole ship is in disarray. Everyone is scrambling, someone screaming for some reason. I hurry to a section of the ship, barging through Joe and Jim, who are both screaming at the top of their lungs for some reason. I jam the key attached to the remote in the door, almost breaking the key. Dust and cobwebs litter the room, I walk slowly to the small boat resting in the water and the hole carved out in the wall. Climbing into the boat carefully, I spot a note on top of the food supplies and oar, it reads: “Good job, now survive.” Probably meant for her, that traitor. I use the oar to push the boat away from the makeshift dock and paddle away.
1:57 AM May 17
Shockwaves ripple through the air, and a loud BOOM soon follows. I see people flying everywhere, sometimes not with their bodies wholly intact. I see Jim on a corpse, probably Joe, paddling away with his stubby little feet, somehow. I stare at the oddity for way to long then get back to sailing.
Noon, May 24
It has been a week, my head hurts from dehydration, I have finished the last of my rations, the boat is leaking. Salt, salty water, bacon? I shake my head vigorously, and have lunch. Lunch has my two favourite things: air and salty water. Man, I miss real food. My head feels like someone blew it up from the inside, I feel dizzy, Thunk.
???
I am home. It is so nice. I smell food, my two children are playing. Life is great. Ding dong. The doorbell? I’d better go get it. I rush to open the door, and see her. I want to run, cry, punch her, maybe a combination of all three. But I cannot move, my body has stiffened up, my muscles tense. She reaches into her pocket, pulls out a gun, and shoots me.
I see a spiral staircase, leading up, up, up. Light glows at the top of it, warm and soothing. It also goes down, flames shooting up from the fiery depths. I start heading up, but something stops me. I pause, looking at the warm light. Then I walk downwards.
Epilogue. 3:33 PM, June 3
“He looks half dead to me,” A voice, raspy and deep, wakes me up. “What’d ya think we do with him. “Dunno, Tom,” Another voice, this time a younger man is talking. “Send him to the port, then he is none of our business whaddya say?” “Couldn’t agree with you more.” Reality hits me like a tidal wave. I gasp, my lungs feel like water has filled them. “Hey, don’t fidget so much.” I ignore the young man, and start running to the dock, adrenaline consuming me. “WHADDYA DOING?!” I ignore him and jump off the dock. I breathe in the salt water, I gouge out my eyes, turning the water into a bloody mess. I see the staircase again. I try going up again, and I get a little bit farther up, but eventually the force overcomes me and I trudge down, and down. The two guys are absolutely dumbfounded, staring into the distance where the guy just was. “What you say, we get a drink of beer?” The young man absentmindedly mutters. “Yup,” the old man is still looking at the dock. “Yup.” He repeats, shuffling off, still looking at the dock.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
I'll jump right in!
I like your format - chaotic - and your eclectic writing style! Using imagery instead of info-dumping is an opening strategy I enjoy!
Here are some of my notes (in order as to where they show up in your text):
Objects or people reek - a mix of smells would probably be better emphasized by an adjective.
It sounds like the ship/vessel was under attack and/or is dilapidated, so the mention of a shift seems… odd? A little more information on how exactly these things relate to each other would be helpful: I can deduce that your prota infiltrated the location/vessel and probably assumed a position among the crew as a sleeper agent? Is the shift his shift as a member of the crew or is he talking about the mission he was placed there for?
You keep these things vague, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but maybe just a tad less vague would make it a bit more accessible to readers.
this might be a localisation thing, but - as far as I’m aware the term ‘watch’ includes that it’s on your hand/wrist, so putting ‘hand’ in front of it seems redundant. Unless the watch is somehow implanted in the back of his hand?
‘feel shockwaves through the room’ - I would use this as a show-not-tell moment: tell us how it feels to have the shockwaves reverberate through your body!
Also, burst eardrums result in a sharp, sudden pain, prevent you from hearing anything/give you tinnitus and will most likely result in blood or fluid drainage - if that is what your character feels, I think it would be better to describe these things and maybe even clarify whether it’s just a feeling or his eardrums were actually damaged.
This section needs more linebreaks! [1:52 AM] - it’s a wall of text, which hinders your action!
Stains = already spilled things! But, blood spills (or splatters) everywhere works just fine without the stains
Is the broom steel-enforced? Because I’m having trouble picturing a regular wooden broom smashing machinery to bits…
‘Smooth’ repetition - use a synonym for the descriptive part to avoid that!
I like the dialogue - just not the way the dialogue is formatted! Again, you need more linebreaks. Remember a new line for a different topic, thought, person/speaker, location, time, etc.
The shooting part needs a bit of an overhaul: reaching ‘for’ her pocket, try to avoid ‘quickly’, go with something more dynamic like ‘before she can draw her weapon’ or ‘anticipating her attack’ - also the description of the wound does not line up with bullet wounds!
I’m guessing the ‘remote’ is the detonator? I would switch out ‘quizzically’, but that might be personal preference.
What kind of secluded place? Is it even necessary to hide her body with the several exploded/shot guards lying around?
Someone screaming for some reason = I’m guessing it’s not just one person screaming? Also, you used the ‘for some reason’ twice, I would replace it in the first instance, because I find it more fitting when used specifically for Joe and Jim - very aptly named, btw. Leaves one wondering if those are their actual names or just a sassy way of your prota (or you) to say ‘two boring, normal workers’!
Which section of the ship? Your prota seems to have a plan, but this formulation makes it seem like he’s just headlessly running around to some section of the ship.
I like the visual here - jamming the key in so hard it almost breaks - the key being attached to the remote does confuse me, though?
‘to litter’ usually refers to actual objects lying around, for dust and cobwebs ‘to cover’ would make more sense - also a room doesn’t normally just have water somewhere, so maybe there’s a better description of this place?
The BOOM should come before the shockwaves - if you want something before the sound, use light!
If the ship explodes with people inside (I’m guessing that’s what’s happening, since your description isn’t clear enough for me to actually know) a spectator wouldn’t see people flying unless they were on deck - parts of the hull would make more sense - bodyparts floating in the water after does make sense, though, and gives an equally shocking visual in my opinion.
The boat will not stop sailing just because your prota stares - get back to steering would technically make more sense.
The boat is leaking would mean something is leaking out from inside the boat - ‘the boat has a leak’ or ‘ocean water is leaking in’ is probably closer to what you’re trying to describe - though the odd description could also just be an indicator of his mental state, which would be on par with the dehydration etc.
Salt water for lunch is a really bad idea, which someone working on a boat should technically be aware of! It only makes you dehydrate faster, so having ocean water for lunch doesn’t really work, on the other hand, it could definitely lead to your prota passing out, if for some reason he wouldn’t know not to drink it…
Again - the dialogue is interesting and grounded - I like that you describe the two voices, but not long or winded - but the format! Please use more linebreaks, your readers will thank you!
I do like the idea of reality hitting him like a wave, but the following description of what this reality actually entails is a little too sparse - we have what he hears before and then the feeling of his lungs, but where’s the rest? Smells, how his body feels, what he sees etc? If we’re supposed to feel the impact of that reality-wave, we need more input!
So, whether or not there’s actually water in his lungs, your prota would not be able to just suddenly run anywhere after waking up from nearly drowning and dehydrating - considering you also kind of brushed over the actual act of getting up. He would be coughing and stumbling, not suddenly turning into a healthy athlete - unless of course you’re trying to subtly show there’s some kind of Cthulhu pact or something else supernatural like that at play. If that’s the case, it would be a little too subtle - the jumping back into the water, trying to breathe it and gouging their eyes out would make sense, though. Btw - gouging his eyes out leads to the red tide - the title makes sense now and I like that!
I LOVE that ending visual. Like this poor fisherman (I’m just assuming) just finding your prota and then witnessing that reaction and just, not knowing how to deal with it.
Staring into the distance usually means looking out at the horizon and very clearly NOT looking at a specific spot - but you do specify a spot, which means you should probably switch that description out.
I feel this man, though. After all that he just needs a drink!
The overall vibe of your story is really interesting! It’s giving WWII spies (Das Boot) meets Bram Stoker’s Dracula. You manage to conquer up atmospheric vibes with just a few sentences, but I’m missing a bit more of the description. You give the reader very little information in general - which is not necessarily a problem, but can be frustrating.
Many writers fall into the trap of packing too much information in (the info-dumping thing), which you definitely avoid. But just a tad more of information or description would probably help get your images and vibes across better.
I really like your format. The time stamps and dates and the way those devolve over time until the epilogue brings them into sharp focus again! It’s a great and subtle way to show your prota’s mental state.
If you have any questions about my notes, feel free to poke me!
Good morning and a warm welcome :3
Let’s take a look at your work, shall we? It might be helpful if you put a bit more info abt your work in the summary tho! ^^
Are we doing a bit of time-travel? That’s my first thought because the date says 1935 but sharpies weren’t invented until 1964, right? 😊
Hmmm it is a bit hard to follow the story when it is all in one paragraph. A quick and easy thing to remember for readability is this rule: one speaker, one paragraph. So whenever someone new gets dialogue, just give the dialogue its own paragraph!
So if I understand it correctly, the MC was undercover as a janitor and their partner slipped them a grenade that they then swept into the guards?
What guards tho? Maybe you could have worked in the information about why they are here somewhere before this? ^^
I do like how you describe his thoughts after being lost at sea for so long!
“Man, I miss real food.” Mood, friend, mood!
I am a bit confused by the ending tho: Why did he gouge out his eyes? I mean at first I thought this would be a metaphor but then the water actually did turn red?
Is it because he’d rather be in the dream sequence he made up in the ??? paragraph?
But I do like the reaction of the two guys that found him: “Did we just rescue some guy who proceeded to gouge his eyes out and jump back in?” … “Maybe beer?” “Beer sounds good.” XDD
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