Haven Academy

First things first: this kind of YA is not my cup of tea, and I don't want to, therefore, comment on characters, story, or setting. I am only going to address the writing and the grammar; and THEN I will answer your 4 questions.

So, let's begin with the most glaring issue. And don't worry, it's not a big deal - a lot of early writers writing in first person make this mistake: the tense are ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Just as an example:

I said, looking at his red, puffy eyes damp with tears and regret. I hate this man.

Ever since I met him, he made it his life mission to torment me every day. I never knew the reason why, why is it that out of eight hundred students in our school, why must it be me? To be this man's stress reliever— his punching bag, the pushover, the butt of his every joke—

It was maddening.

Every day, every morning, I wake and wonder, "What kind of torture will I face today?"

At night when I couldn't fall asleep, I ask myself, "Whatever sin had I committed to deserve such treatment?"

Not a day passed by where he wasn't in my mind. For even in dreams he chases me— with that sharp tongue and unfounded hostility.

4 different tenses within 4 different paragraphs (which are INSANELY short). Choose one (I recommend past continuous or past perfect for first person) and STICK WITH IT! I understand what you're trying to do here, but it's too much - especially at the start. Writing a multi-tense piece requires a lot more experience and practice, so start small.

The other thing:
I understand this is a pit-fall of YA, but your sentence construction, paragraph organisation, and word-choice is all quite immature. Just because you're writing YA doesn't mean you can't introduce complexity.

Now, for your questions:
1. Does the into/hook caught your eye?
Tbh: eh. But, again, I am not the target audience for the story or characters, so my being "eh" about the intro should not matter to you at all.

2. Did you notice the small hints about Haven academy?
I'd appreciate specificity here. I picked up on some stuff, but idk if that's what you mean lol.

3. What do you think of the monologue and the narrator?
Honestly? Too distracted by the tense-switching and the immature prose (immature is not an insult or a critique!). At the moment, upon re-reading just for the monologue and narrator, the character does not read as too distinct to any of the other millions of modern YA MCs.

4. Would you be interested in reading the rest?
Yes! I want to see where you go as a writer ;D

Ah, smart to put the question directly into the text XD (I feel like when I put them in a comment, ppl can easily miss them~)

Hi hellow! I have come to check out your story (Someone with such a cute revmo banner needs to be visited XD) since I’m not really all that good with poems ^^

If the MC actually says that line out loud, you need a comma after “disgusted” (and isn’t that a fire starting line for your story? =D)

looking at his red, puffy eyes, damp with tears and regret.

Love this description, but don’t forget the comma after “eyes” 😊

Very very intriguing start so far!

Hmmm

Whatever sin had I committed

I feel like the tense in this one is wrong since they are thinking this to themselves, right? So the past progressive or whatever is called feels like it goes too far into the past?

Not a day passed by where he wasn't in my mind.

I feel like we are really hurting for name to put to this person. At this point, the MC ranting abt this guy veers of from being an intriguing hook to the story to a chore since we have no idea who he is and only have THEIR word that he’s all evil. I was on the MCs side but starting from here, with nothing concrete to show, it feels repetitive and undeserved.

Being in a single-parent household, I have no choice but to follow her to this new chapter.

I feel like this line is a bit too heavy on the exposition. I feel like there is a more natural way to inform the readers that there is no second parent in their life. Maybe you can leave out this info at all. I mean, if Mom has a new job elsewhere it’s obvious that the child should follow no? Or you could say that they have looked into alternative ways but there were no flats etc available and it’s not like Dad (or 2nd Mom) is still in the picture? Anything to give the narration a more personal touch and tell us a little more abt our MC! ^^

one for survival. The teacher handed them out earlier for our lessons, I wanted to ask what the 3rd book is for but seeing the unbothered look on everyone's face, I bit my tongue and swallowed my breath.

Ohhhhh that is ominous! And I like that no one but the transfer student questions this. That’s a solid world building thing and I am intrigued!

I don't want to be a bother.

Awwww q___q

while the rest are desperately trying to hide their hands tainted with cherry red liquid.

Ok this feels super specific. Nvm I read “lipstick” at first and was very confused. Is. Is this blood and the MC just doesn’t want to point this out, not even think abt this possibility? They strike me as someone who would desperately ignore all oddities just to make sure they don’t stand out…

Distracted by the unusual school setting, I bumped into a wall

I feel like the “Distracted by” reads a little awkwardly. Maybe you could smooth it out with choosing a more active phrasing. Like, they could actively stare at them, trying to think abt what this is and then BAM they run into the wall.
Btw why did you put the — between living and breathing? Wouldn’t a comma work just as well?

Ohh I love how you end this chapter. Because you set up the MC as suffering under Mr Wall but the italics in the beginning and end make me think that they can turn this sit around. Looking forward to figuring out how they’ll do that!

Question Time!! (I do love questionnaires!!)

1. Oh yes, as I have probably mentioned enough already, I was very intrigued by the italics! It does make me want to know more about how the MC manages to turn this into their favour, and what really happened to make Mr Wall dislike them so much. Right now I feel like Haven Academy might have some supernatural students and MC is a normal human and this is why Mr Wall hates them so much?
2. Uhhh the… blood stuff?
3. I think I like the MC. I think the narration gives a solid feel for their priorities and wall flower-ness and the italics show that this will not always be the case. Maybe they learn some magic and that will allow them to take control over Mr Wall?
4. I would definitely be interested in reading more XD Feel free to tag me if you add another chapter :3

Have a great day!