Published September 23, 2010
Holding on to you
Like I will never see you again.
Never wanting to
Go back to the way things have been.
For every embrace we have shared
We beheld a moment of bliss.
Life melted away like we never cared
As we lost ourseves in a kiss.
Memories fade away into the black of night
As the thunder rolls from above.
The storm steals from us the light,
But cannot take away our love.
Feeling the warmth of your soft skin
Against my cold empty chest
Calls forth feelings from within
Of which no trials can test.
My black soul cries now cries out nevermore
As your arms envelope my aching body,
Finally nowing that have you to live for.
Moving, as always, so magnificently.
As to evoke pangs of never felt joy
Within my barren wasteland of a heart.
A single rose in an endless crematory,
Ashes scatter as the clouds finally part.
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139,672 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
awh thats so sweet. I like it
Wow! This was a really great story. I'm not really any good at reviews, but it looks like everyone else got everythything that was wrong here. I just hope that you write more magnificent, romantic, appealing, short poems like this one! I love it! Good Job!
Some of your adjectives like
"black" "cold" ect need to be reworked,
as do your choice for end rhymes
which overuses patterns like..
bliss/kiss
to/you
ect ect
Alrighty, Aiden. Prepare yourself for a critique.
First things I noticed: grammar and spelling. Poetry generally follows the same conventions of grammar and spelling as regular writing; it is these conventions that make communication possible. Your poem does not adhere to these conventions. Now, this isn't to say your grammar is terrible (I've seen far worse), but that you should make sure you are using punctuation where it is appropriate unless (and this is a very large "unless") you have a very good reason for not adhering to grammatical convention. I do not see such a reason in this poem.
Something that may help you make sure your poem is grammatically sound is to rewrite it as prose, check, fix, and then reformat it back into poem form. As far as spelling is concerned, proofreading your work several times never hurts.
The next thing I noticed: the rhyme. There is more to rhyming than just having the words at the ends of lines rhyme. Rhymes rely upon patterns in rhythm as well, and right now, your poem is lacking the rhythm half of the rhyme equation. Compare "My darling John has up and gone" to "John has up and gone." Which sounds like a rhyme? The first example, since the rhyming words are evenly spaced.
The easiest way to check that your poem has a rhythm and that the rhyme works is to read it aloud, or have someone else read it to you. Do the rhymes sound like rhymes as the poem is read through? If not, try tweaking the rhythm so that the rhyming words are more evenly spaced.
There's also the matter of pattern. In the first two stanzas, you've got an ABABCDCD pattern going, but the last stanza has ABACDEFE. In short, you have two non-rhyming lines, which break the rhyming flow. If you were attempting an approximate rhyme, it didn't work as the words you were attempting to rhyme are too far apart.
You have two options: fit the C and D lines so that they match the pattern established in the first two stanzas, or you can create a new pattern for the final stanza. An ABACCDED pattern is one possibility and involves only modifying the C and D lines.
Wow
You are simply an amazing poet.
Your imagery was strong and beautiful, and I really didn't feel like this was just a poem. I found it a wickedly wonderful song, something I could listen to all the time. Plus, you rhyme! Awesome!
Please, keep writing.
~WickedWonder
Sorry I didn't help, but I really didn't know what else to say. I usually don't read poems like this so I don't know if this one is good or not for its type.
A. S>
: 3 Awww! So sweet! I love your poetry, it's so emotional. Lovely, lovely. I'm not a poet, soI can't actually crituque it. I just wanted to tell you that I loved it! Your girlfriend must be very happy if you give her poetry like this