(20 min. exercise based on Second City Writing Class : Write about a mugging at the airport)
She picked up the clipping for the third time and stared at the headline:
YOUNG WOMAN MUGGED AT HEATHROW
In that stark font all capitalised and finalised in print the paper almost seemed to be screaming at her. She put it back down again. The paper had gotten everything they needed. Where it happened: near the taxi rank. What time: 3.45am. They’d gotten the facts, I guess. But that’s not how she remembered it.
She hadn’t known exactly what the time was. Her phone had died on the plane but she hadn’t been too concerned about it because she knew she’d be back home soon enough. All she had known was that it was late and she was exhausted and he’d come out of nowhere. A shove to the shoulder. It ached a little when she thought about it. The ghost of pain. The ringing in her ears was still there. It made everything sound like shouting now. The police officers. The nurse. The writing on the newspapers. So so loud. She raised her hands to cover her ears. Have you ever noticed that even then there isn’t silence? There’s a sort of white noise. The rushing of the blood through the body and the thumping of the heartbeat. It wasn’t the silence she was looking for but it reminded her of one thing. She was alive.
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139,630 Literary Works • 672,636 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this is a pretty neat little story so far, you've definitely done a pretty good capturing all of the factors here...and that last paragraph especially with the women's reaction to it was pretty well done here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well that certainly seems like the kind of headline that you would expect to see for a situation like that one, its pretty much to the point and definitely would be something to catch your eye on a newspaper, hmm...well let's see how the actual story turns out to be then.
Hmm...oooh, well that's very interesting, she's reading the article that's about her own mugging, and the way that you casually toss out those small details there is also really smoothly done, instead of having to write out a whole article, all the important things are really clear at any rate...and that's going to help the rest of this going forward, well let's see how she remembers the incident I suppose.
Oooh, I love how this compliments those earlier factual details there, by really putting together all the emotions there of what this sort of incident feels like, the trauma of how things like that can affect you especially is captured quite well here and you can see just all of it blending together in her mind there and then the way the whole thing eventually ends there with her finally deciding that she is at least alive, together will at that imagery leading up to the silence...it definitely makes for a really powerful ending.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a pretty cool little story here...its definitely doing a pretty decent job of capturing the emotional effects of something like that...and including little details there at the start to mention location and time also make for a pretty decent bonus there at the start.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This was a short piece, but I like it this way. This piece is to describe all that this women went through, I'm assuming, when she was attacked by a total stranger at an airport one night. I liked how in the last paragraph, the climax was actually building up there. I don't know what class you took when you had this assignment, but I want to take it now XD Anyway, I do have a few edits for you to make, and I just picked up two lines from the last paragraph to fix:
Her phone had died on the plane, but she hadn't been too concerned about it because she knew she'd be back home soon enough. All she had known was that it was late, she was exhausted, and he'd come out of nowhere.
Otherwise, this is a stunning piece. Keep writing and keep up with the hard work.
Hello, AidaApple! Anabelle here for a review.
This was a very short story, which I'm guessing you did on purpose. I actually liked that it was so short, because you gave just enough to let me know about the story, but left out just enough to make me want to know more.
The only mistake that stood out to me was " What time: 3.45am." I believe the correct way to write the time is "3:45 a.m." If that is also a correct way, forgive me.
This was a great piece overall and I would love to know more! You should consider making another part if you haven't already. Keep doing what you're doing.
XOXO
Anabelle
Hi Anabelle! Thanks so much for reviewing! I've never had anything peer reviewed and I always thought it would make me scared to write again but no, I'm actually really grateful for the constructive criticism. Thanks for the formatting tip. I definitely need to pay more attention to detail. Thanks again
Aida
x
Hello, rhia here to review!
Well, this was good. I liked it. I was taken aback, at first, by how short it was, but it made it easy to read, and also left me curious for more details. You gave just enough, just a ghosting memory of the incident, which did enough to make me want to read more. Your style of writing is very clear and concise, nice and straightforward. Although some of the sentences were rather choppy, I think it works well here, as it takes on the voice and feelings of the women, and sort of conveyed her emotions looking back.
There were two places where I think you could benefit from commas, however.
This sort of repetion always seems a little kiddish from me, but I think that with a comma after the first "so", it will come across more like the emphasis it was meant to be.
It isn't grammatically incorrect to not have a comma there, but I think it would give a nicer flow, allowing for a little break within the sentence. More aesthetic than anything.
Overall really nice! Good job.
Hey Rhia! Thanks for the review! Yes, it's very short it was a timed writing exercise but I think I might work on it and add more.This is my first time submitting any piece of work where other people can review because I've always been so afraid but I've loved reading your constructive criticism. I'll definitely work on my grammar. It's one of my weaknesses. Thanks so much for reading!
Well, it was good, you should definitely share more here.