:: Snow ::

Parts stuck out to me, but I do have a list of gripes pertaining to the grammar. You have to be careful when using ye olde english.

And now the cold wind blows fiercely
and I, absorbed in ambiance
of lonely not known so clearly
to my inexperienced trance.

Oh how I am so needy for
a warm blanket to c'ver my chill; Why is that apostrophe there? -pokes- there's no way you can blend the word 'cover' into one syllable.
A spark of fire, perhaps more
Please, any other sort of thrill.

Heaven's eye, clouds it hides behind
You coward, to not shine for me!
The finest fur coat of its kind...
Somewhere is somewhere I should be. I sort of adore that line.

So it falls, have mercy, dear sky!
Dost thou not knowest my pains? "Dost thou not know", if you please
I can only speculate why
My thoughts are at best when it rains. If you want the 'at' in there, then the word 'their' should follow. If not, cut it out. I'd suggest the latter; it messes up the rhythm anyway

Every day I walk this way
Yet diff'rent, my stride always is Again with the apostrophe. "Different" is already two syllables and the omitted 'e' serves no aesthetic purpose
Ha! Wind still hath courage to say
"Blow I must, you I shall not miss!"

Fine, fine, I shall so be content
Relish in your victory, pride
God shall punish your crude intent
In hell your malice will reside.

On I walk, having battle lost
Knowest not where I am to go These two lines have some issues - if you'd like to say that you lost the battle, that would be "having the battle lost". Also, 'knowest' is still used incorrectly. 'Knowing' would be right here.
My heart burns ablaze at the cost
of love for one in all this snow.

I renounce, my true warmth lies within
His arms that I have now been cloaked in. Now, I know everyone ignores the 'don't end sentences with prepositions' law at some points, but at the very end of this lovely poem it just makes me cringe. I'm sure you can find some better rhyme.


Mixing modern and old English is probably not the best idea, and I do like the bits with the old, so I'd suggest going through and carefully editing in appropriate pieces of old language until it's all uniform. (Ex. "Relish in your victory" => "Relish in they victory".)

Guide the rhyme around the poem, not the poem around the rhyme. I'm guilty of that too. Since you already have a good base, the bits that seem manipulated for the sake of rhyme stick out like sore thumbs.

Also, work on the rhythm scheme some - it doesn't flow as well as it might. Try looking at some of Robert Frost's poetry; his lines flow like water and are actually, in content, a lot like this poem.

I enjoyed it, but it can be quickly and easily improved. Good luck in your endeavors!

Thanks,
-chirish

I love this poem to death it seems like the cold has a great effect on your writing! lol. Every stanza has a certain effect, which your writing style complements, the way you do this is difficult for some people to do which is very unique! Can't wait for more!!

I loved it! It was *AMAZING**! The vocabulary, the descriptions, the feelings, the imagery! It was all awesome, and funny, too. I just really liked it, all around. Keep doing poetry! I think almost all of your poetry I ever read will be awesome. So good work!

<3 Nutty


By the way, I fell your pain. I have nine inches of snow in my front yard.

Very good poem. Living in the plains of Saskatchewan, I can definitely relate to this. For example, the leaves on the trees are still green, yet there is snow everywhere. There were some rough spots, but it is still a pretty good poem. Good job.

Spoiler

And now the cold wind blows fiercely and I, absorbed in ambianceof lonely not known so clearly to my inexperienced trance.Oh how I am so needy for a warm blanket to c'ver my chill;A spark of fire, perhaps more Please, any other sort of thrill.Heaven's eye, clouds it hides behind You coward, to not shine for me!The finest fur coat of its kind... Somewhere is somewhere I should be.So it falls, have mercy, dear sky! Dost thou not knowest my pains?I can only speculate why My thoughts are at best when it rains.Every day I walk this way Yet diff'rent, my stride always isHa! Wind still hath courage to say "Blow I must, you I shall not miss!"Fine, fine, I shall so be content Relish in your victory, prideGod shall punish your crude intent In hell your malice will reside.On I walk, having battle lost Knowest not where I am to goMy heart burns ablaze at the cost of love for one in all this snow.I renounce, my true warmth lies withinHis arms that I have now been cloaked in.~*~(Sorry that this is all stuck together in a chunk, this is the not the poem's original format. I have to get used to using this code...I apologize!)

I like it. It is very interesting.

That was great as well! I liked how you did this AND the rain one. They fit together well. Right as I saw Snow and saw your name I was like, I HAVE to review! This was awesome, just like your other one, you brought out the emotion well, and I loved how you talked about it being cold and how you needed a warm fur coat or blanket. Well done, and WELL WRITTEN!!! Please notify me if you make more of these types of poems!