*Note* This is under copyright to the Founder of SOMM SOCIETY. Also this story is quite childish.
The Intro:
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My name is Czarina ( Zah-ree-nah) Thanely Echnigen, leader of my team.
Jennifer Rose Finsung and Brandon Abrahams Young are my two best friends. Together, we form team Beta.
We are no ordinary children, we are the future generation of spies ready to save the world. Our mission, is to retrieve the
9WJD--8650 locksafe vault before the other team. Team Charlie, the opposing team, consists of three members as well. Effie Brooklynn Jones is the leader of her group and will do anything in her power to achieve her mission. Her teammates, Marcia Donlope Lofax and Tyrone Maxers Lansing follow Effie's Lead. They are very good natured children and also extremely faithful. Now, as we put an end to our agent get-to-know we mouse remember this.
We are no ordinary children, We are the future generation of spies ready to save the world and this is our adventure.
Chapter One: The Mission
" Could team Beta and team Charlie please report to the 'TechnoGym' for a special announcement. " crackled the speaker.
I looked around excitedly. My teammates and i were situated in our dorms doing our own individual hobbies. Jennifer was on her bed constructing D-I-Y bombs, Brandon was typing away at the computer trying to crack satellite codes and i was on my bed, reading ' Uncrackable Codes by the Century.'
"Team!" i exclaimed.
Their heads snapped to attention.
We got ourselves an assignment.
We packed our things away and trooped off towards the technology filled gym. On the way there, we met Team Charlie. They all looked as confused and curious as we were.
" Anybody knows whats going on?" asked Effie with a hint of an English accent.
"Not a clue." Brandon replied.
We continued our walk toward the TechnoGym.
Once we had reached, a member had to state the password to enter the building.
" KapernolApple Berry." muttered Marcia.
"BEEP!" came the response.
"They changed the password already!?" questioned Jennifer.
I stepped forward.
"Let me have a try." i suggested.
They all nodded their heads.
I walked up to the voice analyser and said, " ShoreHaven Almonds!"
' WHOOSH!' the thick metal door slid open revealing the bright whirring and whizzing of the technology inside.
" Good one!" commented Jennifer.
I grinned back.
This was going to be exciting.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, I love the overall briefness of the introduction, it really sets the scene.
Nitpicking really isn't my thing but I do have one small quarrel, some of your 'I's aren't capitals. For example...
and...
Just small grammatical things like that.
But overall I enjoyed this chapter/part of the story.
Keep writing.
~Wolfie
xx
I liked your idea, although I think you need to have a bit more action to your story because not much really happened in your first chapter.
#FF0000 "> I didn't like how this was in quote marks, it made me feel like I was reading a review. YOu need to remove the capital on the second we.
#FF0000 ">You need to remove the space after the speech marks. Is the TechnoGym meant to be one word and why do you have it with ' around it?
#FF0000 ">Well done for remembering "my teammates and I. That's one lots of people forget. But you need to again capitalize the "i".
#FF0000 ">You need to capitalize the "i".
#FF0000 ">Here I would either add and colon or a semicolon because it doesn't seem right just to have a new paragraph.
#FF0000 ">You need to remove the space before speech mark.
#FF0000 ">Again I wouldn't have the a new paragraph here. Furthermore, it doesn't make sense to say "we had reached" I would change it to: Once we had reached it. Also I wouldn't use "had" again in the next sentence; you need to remove the had from either the first or the second sentence and add -ed to the remaining verb.
#FF0000 ">You need to remove the space after the speech mark. And is there meant to be a space between Kapernol and Apple?
#FF0000 ">I wouldn't have all the new paragraphs here, it is only one person talking so you don't have to have a new paragraph. You need to capitalize the "i" before "suggested". And again you need to remove the space between the speech mark and ShoreHaven. Do you need a space between Shore and Haven?
#FF0000 ">You need to remove the space after the speech marks.
#FF0000 ">Again I would remove the new paragraph here and have it as one.
#FF0000 ">I thought you had a really good story, you just made a few grammatical mistakes. I can't wait to read more of your work.