Published November 12, 2011
These butterfly wings have razor edges,
cutting through my stomach walls
as if they were hedges.
Trimming this garden of mine oh-so-neat,
for must I not look glorious in defeat?
Since defeats my displays always are,
spotlights hurt my eyes
so I crave the dark.
And only in this cover of dark, cover of night,
do I ever get the feeling things are right.
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The rhyme really hurts this poem. The rhymes you have feel incredibly forced, and it mostly has to do with how there's no real consistent pattern to the rhyming.
Rhymes rely upon rhythm to work. Without a solid rhythm, rhymes fall apart. The easiest way to create a rhythm with a rhyme is to make sure that the lines that rhyme have the same number of syllables, and that the distance between rhymes is the same.
Right now, you've got inconsistency with both. For example:
"Edges" and "hedges" rhyme, but they don't feel like a good rhyme because of the distance between them. The first line has 10 syllables. The second line has 7, and the third has 6, which adds up to a total of 13 syllables.
Three syllables is quite a substantial distance between rhyming words, especially since the syllables in lines two and three are broken up visually by being separate lines. This makes those three syllables difference feel like a lot more than three syllables.
You need to establish a consistent rhythm between rhymes, both in how your poem looks and sounds.
However, as I mentioned earlier, the rhyme here really hurts the poem. I would suggest not making it rhyme at all and seeing what you get. Poems don't always have to rhyme, and sometimes it's better when they don't.
Hello there my name is Lorna and I will be reviewing you today!!
I Love poems which are short and to the point but get the message across perfectly and I have to say this was one of them!!
Lorna
xx
These butterflies in their wings have razor edges, I would have put this as "These butterflies wings have razor edges, That way it isn't too long !
cutting through my stomach wallsThis bit is good ;3
as if they were hedges.
Trimming this garden of mine oh-so-neat,I like these two lines ... I believe thy are absolutely perfect!
for must I not look glorious in defeat?
Since defeats my displays always are,
spotlights hurt my eyes so I crave the dark.
And only in this cover of dark, cover of night,
do I ever get the feeling things are right. Oh So Brilliant ;3
Great poem!