Lullaby of the Sea

I loooooooove this! Really I do, I've always been fascinated by mythical creatures and its great when people write stories about them. You actually gave me a whole new idea about sirens. I had thought of them as creatures who completely changed you- mind and all. But the way you described the victim's mind still being lucid, but his body was moving as if it had its own mind, was so cool. I don't have any nitpicks about it!

Hi there! Your friendly neighborhood Nerd Bird is here for a review!

Firstly I feel as if the first three words should be a sentence in themselves, just for dramatic effect

I love all the alluring descriptions, I dont see the sea at all, I see a beautiful siren sucking the man to his depths innocently.

Suddenly, my feet wouldn’t obey my right mind.

urge to submerge myself in the ocean’s calm coolness overtook me,

Beneath the moonless, star-splattered sky, the ocean claimed me as its own. The darkened water rose up to my knees, then to my waist, then to my shoulders, and yet I went deeper and deeper still.

Hey it's Neverland here to review your beautiful piece.
I loved reading this piece, everything about it. From the personification, good job with that by the way, the verbs, the adjectives and descriptions!! Everything about it was amazing!!

Though I have to agree with what vidhya iyer said, it’s sort of strange for someone to start walking into the sea, even if a siren is lulling then into it. I think you should add something like what Vidhya iyer said. <---- I already said that didn't I?

Anyway moving on! You write this with elegance and a beauty, I myself love reading short stories. It reveals so much in a short time. Sometimes it can tell the reader about the writer, whether it be what they’re feeling, what they’re going through. But sometimes people write them just because. And as for this I can't tell. And I love that!! I love how this could have so many meanings behind it or none at all. It interests me and makes me want to know more. Even though I believe that this is the perfect length, you've given us everything we need to know. (Except a bit of backing)

Everything works together; you've used all the right things, in all the right places. You've really done an amazing job here and I'm glad that my mouse hovered and clicked on this link. It satisfied my need for an afternoon read greatly. <--- That sounds really weird and creepy. It’s meant to be more like. I enjoyed reading this piece and I'm glad I decided to read it.

I think I need to leave before I embarrass myself anymore.
Bye. Good luck with reading, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

xx
~Neverland.

hi there...

a wonderful piece of writing.. i like it..!
but i would like to give few suggestions.. its a bit strange that a person suddenly walks to the sea and sleeps forever. you can add a backdrop like busy days, restless mind, loneliness, feeling empty something like that. it would give weightage to the calmness and the lullaby of the sea..
the story is dramatic. it has a good plot so you can add more emotions.
anyway, i liked reading it.
good luck keep writing..!

Boom! Back again because I was interested

VERY descriptive. I like the first paragraph, however I feel like it's just a little too much, just a little I swear. The sentences are long and meaty and advanced which is amazing, but I feel like it could use some shorter sentences just every once in a while to break things up a little.

Suddenly, my feet wouldn’t obey my right mind. The overwhelming urge to submerge myself in the ocean’s calm coolness overtook me,

Wow.
Very wow.

That was a very well written piece. I think that the short length was a good fit for this piece.

I would give you advice just a few times on your word choice, however. Even a beautiful word can be very confusing to the reader if it does not fit in your sentence. For example, you said, "Smooth pebbles waltzed under my feet..." The verb waltzed does not apply to pebbles. I love that verb and I know that a writer can get attached to a particular part of a piece that he or she likes very much. However, this verb sounds odd in my, the reader's, mind. Perhaps you could change that verb to "slid" or "settled". Some might disagree with me on this line, but I think that the piece could flow better if the verb in this sentence made more sense.

Other than that, it was beautiful. Thanks for putting it on here and keep writing!

--Xreigon

Greetings, you wonderful writer, you!!

First off, I'd like to congratulate you.
Not many posts on this site are interesting enough to hold my attention for very long, and I usually just end up saying "stuff it" and retreating to my bed, unsatisfied......

But YOUR piece!
WOAH.
Really well written, Buddy!
I must agree with Alpha, though - it was too short! (I WANT MOOORE )

"Smooth pebbles waltzed under my feet..." <-- I really love this line.
Don't ask me why, I couldn't say if you asked.

But carry on writing and being awesome!!

Gingerhead xx

Hi there, ATS I see that you're fairly new here, so um welcome and all that.

So to summarize my reaction to this story: Oh my glob.

This is truly a writer's hiden gem: a short so well-written that the reader actually has fun analyzing the techniques used through-out and within. I bow to you, my friend.

I think the power in your story lies in its subtlety. Any writer can know what alliteration and that-thing-wherein-you-use-similar-sounding-letters-in-sequential-words-whose-name-I-forgot-due-to-global-warming but it takes a masterful writer to pull it off in such a manner. Examples include "the ocean's icy serenity" and "Tempting, tormenting, tantalizing" (excellent start by the way).

As for the story itself, my only complaints are
1) it is too short (for meeee, that is. I want to immerse myself deeper!)
2) In the forth paragraph, I don't think that the comma after moonless is necessary. It kinda interrupts the flow ><
Other than that, everything is fine. (I'd have written that everything is suberbly perfect but doesn't that sound too.. suck-up-esque? I'd have used that though heh)

So, yeah Here ends my review.

Keep on writing. Cheers!

Alpha

I haven't reviewed something that wasn't a poem in a really long time, so I decided to break off my lazy shoes and get reviewing. So, I saw your piece, and here I am...

and wow.

The best part of this is certainly the description; it's what makes the story, honestly. You do a fantastic job with the right words and the right places, helping the feel of this person become the feel of the reader. Definitely a strength for you.

On the less-so-strong stuff;

I'm not a fan of how you dealt the thoughts of the piece. By this, I mean how you start the character under a calm spell and then sharpen their senses and thoughts. I understand the sharpening of the senses in the water, but you move pretty quickly from thoughts such as " I ignored the logical piece of my brain that screamed at me to halt my legs from moving another inch" to pure intoxication. Though the story length is perfect (to expand upon it to much would be to drag it out), I think taking thoughts a bit slower could be of benefit.

The other thing I noticed was this;

"The nighttime ocean was like a Siren" AND THIS "I was content as the Siren sang".

I was really confused about that for a bit, before I realized you might have meant to do that. You see, in the first part you use the Siren as a simile, but the second made it sound like there was a siren. You might just be reusing the simile, trying to evoke mystery, but I would change the first sentence anyway. In such a short piece, being repetitive usually isn't a friend. It might help with confusion as well, at least on my part.


Good work! Glad to see something from you, after two months on the site!

Hello! Hightop is here to review.

Firstly, I love your story. Your writing was good, nothing popped out at me as particularly wrong, spelling and grammar wise.

I loved your simile of the various sounds of the ocean to a siren's song. Very thought provoking, the ocean's waters are a song in themself, and you captured that beautifully.

One thing I would have liked to see more of is descriptions of the 'song'. You described it well in the opening paragraph but towards the end, particularly in the drowning paragraph, it would have been nice for the reader to be able to hear what the protagonist hears.

I loved your closing paragraph as well. It was a strong way to finish such a sad poem.

Well that's all I have to say
~Hightop