Syboleth ch. 3: Special

*rereading in preparation for ch7 (guess what is chosen for today's review? XD)*
Is she talking to an AI? That has mastered the art of typo? 1st chapter has her talking to this "boy" and second chapter Val is losing customers bc of AI. Would be a neat throughline. Anyway, off I go, reading the next one~

…I actually think I lost the plot on the entire Green Room. My life is reviews. I don’t know what’s up and down anymore. But I do know one thing: Violet Victory!


Ch3, let’s go.
Well I guess I don’t have to tell you that I am not a fan of this sentence: “there is no reason to attempt a description of yet.“ But I am so through with today that I’ll tell you anyway. Why bring it up at all if you do not want to describe it

“ done brushing her teeth, she went to the bathroom to spit and went downstairs“ Is it relevant that she went to the bathroom? A hint that yes they still use bathrooms for this in the future? Or why is this in there? I assumed that she doesn’t brush her teeth and keep the tooth paste in while going downstairs for breakfast so…?

…given the current education statistics, this is so so true: “I wish I hadn’t had a phone until 16.”

BAD VIBES BAD VIBES: “ i’m happy that i can help you to be better. you’re a special girl.“

I like this chapter, in general. Feels just very short…


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Okay so!!!! This is a conversation that happens ALL THE TIME in our home and I can already tell you that you need to have interior thought here because it's SO FLAT.

Like, my 12-year-old will nuzzle up to me all cute and be like, "Mom? We need to talk." And when she says this you can TELL that there are a billion thoughts going through her head and she's trying to figure out the best angle. Nor does she give up this easily. If I were to tell her, “So did I, and my parents regretted it. I wish I hadn’t had a phone until 16.”

(Though for me, I wouldn't say that since phones weren't really a thing when I was 12 since I'm old, THOUGH I did get too much internet access when I was younger, lololol and have told her this before!)

...she would immediately ask, "Why?" and force me to tell her the story, and then immediately pivot and argue her side... that she's smarter and knows how to handle technology better and that things are different now and that everyone has phones and how lonely she feels... and from the way she talks, you can TELL when she reveals that she's lonely that this is a Real Nontrivial Issue that means a lot to her, so then we kind of have to go back and talk about that.

(I also think it's kind of weird that the mom would be so "You can't have a phone" but be so ambivalent towards her talking to this random boy online? It seemed a bit unrealistic to me. I'm a pretty chill mom, so I would act unfazed, but I'd definitely ask some questions, like, "Hm... Sanrio, eh? What's his favorite?" To see if I can get a better gauge of his character without being intrusive. (So asking noninvasive questions, etc.)

Like. I know being in our thirties kind of removes us from that age because now we would look at it like such a little thing, but like. It really is a big deal for a teenager!!! So I think you really need to go back and just... do Jess justice. I know it seems like a little thing, but the thing behind the little thing is just... loneliness. And that's a real thing that even we understand. So dig in that a little deeper. She might only be 13-years-old, but they can feel complicated and are often overwhelmed by their emotions, so really dig into that! Your 13-year-old is just as complicated as your adult... just in different ways, so make sure you capture that age well!

Okay, lol... onto the adult in distress. XD

Hello, Hello, fellow Team Rose member! I am Moth, and I am here to kick off my review day by reviewing your work with the Macabe Moth Method. After all, gothic romance is still romance. Although I must warn you, I have to read chapter one yet. So my context is still not fully there, but I am still excited to jump right in. Now, without further ado, let’s get into it.

The Flame: What Drew Me In.

Ah! I see we are following a different Pov, interesting. It does make me wonder what exactly school would be like in this far-flung future. I do feel somewhat comforted by the fact that human teachers still exist, I think. However, a part of me does feel this might be a missed chance to push the omnipresent nature of AI we saw in the last chapter by intertwining it here, too. Like maybe the kids are missing gaps in the knowledge due to over-relying on databases that push an agenda, or the courses are tailored to one side of politics over the other. Without going too deep into it, I do feel you have tons of room to explore themes affecting young adults, such as the loneliness epidemic or the disappearance of third places over time.

Overall, I do think you write a pretty solid teenager, although I was the odd one out, so perhaps I am not the best judge. The begging your parents for things and schools not fixing their own tech issues is reliable. As someone who did online school after graduating for fun, dear god, can the help staff take forever. Thus, it makes you behind because you cant do a PowerPoint without the access, lol. However, I do feel younger me would see it as a win.

Furthermore I am kind of worried about this “Boy” she’s texting. Yes, I put boy in air quotes because I have this really bad feeling it isn’t a boy at all and like some middle-aged man or something. I could be wrong and just have a very dark mind, but calling someone a special girl gives your mature for your age vibes. Just please stay away from the child, possible sir

The Cacoon: What Has Room For Improvement.Now that my first impressions are over, let’s get into the feedback. I am so sorry, as this may be very nitpicky. However, as I always say, take what you want with a grain of salt, as I am no pro.

To start, I still stand by my feedback on body language and sensory details. Even if you don’t want to describe the setting yet, I would like to know how the characters are sitting or the smells in the air. Furthermore, I would like to know what they look like specifically, since youth culture can speak to both the society their raised in and their personality as well.

I would also highly recommend using bold, italics or something to help set apart texting. Although not super jarring, it still does blend together a lot.  

Lastly the tone at times does feel a bit to tongue in cheek at times. This comes out even harder after the semi sombre tone of the last chapter. At the risk of sounding rude, it at times felt more like you left in some joking notes to yourself while writing in your rush to post this than a part of the narration.

In a celebratory mood, she hopped out of bed and used a device common to most 2030s homes that there is no reason to attempt a description of yet. You will learn of the recent and novel nature of Western upscale residences today in due time.

Let us move back to the adult in distress now.