Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
AN: If you've already read Chapter 13 when I posted it as Chapter ? back in December, please reread between Chapters 12 and 14 before continuing. Basically, I was a big dumdum and posted the chapters out of order at first.
Chapter 14: Pleas
Garrett was not happy. He was at a cafe in a part of town he hadn’t lived in for two years, drinking a chai latte made with sickly sweet syrup and staring down Charlie; his old roommate.
“So what the hell is it, then?” Garrett asked. “What did you drag me out of my cave for?”
“Something I think is worth your while,” Charlie said.
“I’m not sure what you would know about that,” Garrett said.
“Look, I’m here as a friend,” Charlie said through his teeth. “And as a friend, I think I should be here telling you to throw some cash into our venture.”
“Why would you think I’m going to go for this?” Garrett sincerely asked.
“In ten years, us DRISPR founders are all going to be billionaires. I want you to be at least a multi-million dollar part of that.”
“You don’t know what’s going to happen to those test subjects in ten years,” Garrett scoffed. “You don’t know anything. All you know is what your thumb feels like up your ass.”
“It’s all very stringently monitored for side effects.”
“I’m really not interested in this ‘CRISP’y shit.”
“I think you should at least hear me out first,” said Charlie.
“Alright, let’s hear it,” said Garrett, figuring this was the fastest way to finish this conversation.
“We’re going to end addiction for countless people,” Charlie said with a rehearsed tone. “Change countless lives, protect so many families from being broken up by the ravages of prescription abuse.”
Garrett personally would’ve swapped out “countless” for “so many” in each instance when in casual conversation, but Charlie thankfully wasn’t that socially aware. He often gave away his rehearsed speeches this way.
“You’re telling me you seriously think you’re doing some sort of good for the world?” Garrett asked in disbelief.
“Imagine it, Garry! Opioids that can’t be abused! Amphetamines that can’t be resold!” Charlie crowed, as if he was expecting a much more positive response than the one that Garrett was now giving.
“I would sooner drink piss for breakfast than invest in that quasi-demonic shit,” Garrett said.
“Suit yourself, I guess,” Charlie said. “Just trying to be a friend.”
“I don’t need a biomedical degree to see that this shit is going to end poorly. In fact, maybe that’s exactly my essential shortcoming to let me see that this shit is going to end poorly.”
“Whatever,” said Charlie, hopping off the railing and starting to walk away. “We’re going to save lives.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” Garrett said, and hoped it would be the last thing he said to Charlie.
“The drug industry will be revolutionized, and you’ll be a footnote in history,” Charlie said.
Thankfully, that wasn’t worth responding to. Garrett already knew he would be more than a footnote in history, and saying so would just seem to be a put on.
He turned and began walking to the train stop in an abrupt manner.
By the time he reached the train, he had calmed down somewhat because of the music playing in his stereophonic bone conductors.
He had resisted for a while, but they were simply too convenient. They never really needed charging, for the motion of walking was enough to trickle charge the conductors and barely any energy was needed to transmit the vibrations that resulted in a miraculous sort of sound fidelity coming from everywhere all at once upon Garrett’s hearing.
He was listening to “Care” by Kaada, a pleasant blend of two very old love songs to make a newer but now also old song with a slightly baroque but inviting vibe. He had been a fan of this song since his childhood, and it brought good feelings back for him now.
Everything would be fine.
Fine for him, at least.
Definitely not for others.
Never for others.
Not unless he did something.
But what, indeed, could he possibly do? Garrett thought and thought, and yet again came up short.
He was in a position of incredible power ostensibly, and yet it only amounted to one vote among fourteen in a group that seemed destined to do nothing but wrong.
But he couldn't let that stop him.
He had to change the world for the better.
Next chapter: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/Aet%20Lindling/Syboleth-ch-15-To-Life-161580
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey, hello!
This establishes Garrett’s mood and relationship with Charlie quickly, though the opening sentence is a little plain compared with the much more distinctive details that follow it. I like the sickly sweet chai latte because it feels like one more thing irritating him, though! You could perhaps also tell us why being in this particular part of town bothers him, since mentioning that he hasn’t lived there for two years makes it sound significant.
Hm. "Sincerely asked" feels a little odd here because the dialogue already makes it clear that Garrett genuinely doesn’t understand Charlie’s reasoning. I think you could just use "asked," or describe his expression if you want to distinguish this from his earlier sarcasm.
The bone conductors are an interesting piece of technology and the walking-powered charging is a nice detail, but this explanation slows the chapter sharply just as Garrett is beginning to think about the larger problem. It made me pause! The second sentence is also very long and technical compared with the rest of his perspective. I think you could give only the details that matter to him in this moment, then introduce the mechanics elsewhere when they become relevant.
***
This chapter is tense! It’s clear that Garrett and Charlie have enough history to know exactly how to irritate one another. Garrett’s insults are entertaining, though there are so many variations of "shit" within a short space that some of them begin to lose their impact. Charlie also comes across as suitably rehearsed and self-important, particularly when he moves so easily between claiming he wants to save lives and promising that the founders will become billionaires. I am not sure that I like Charlie much!
The second half shows a more thoughtful side of Garrett and helps me understand that his anger isn’t purely cynical. He genuinely wants to prevent harm, but he also believes he deserves an important place in history, which creates an interesting contradiction in his motives. That sounds like him! I think the transition from the café could be clearer, though, since Charlie suddenly hops off a railing even though I had pictured them sitting inside, and Garrett then begins walking away without paying or finishing his drink.
Well, I'll be back! Cheers!
Lipton
Ah, we are back to familiar ground. It’s a relief to have a relatable character after the last chapter.
Hmm looks like Charlie at least considers Garrett a “friend”. And ofc he’s the equivalent of a crypto bro XD
I am also so not ready for Nicknames. Charles and Charlie. Are the same person. You may point and laugh. (I think this was very obvious and I still missed it bc what even is reading comprehension) Let me go quickly read that newspaper article again from ch12. Ahh knowing that it is Charlie makes everything even more sleezy. I mean sleazy. Would you know that word doesn’t catch this as an error which is how I missed it?
Now I do wonder if Charlie is so rich why does he even need a roommate? Or does he genuinely like Garrett? O_O
Is this still 3 yrs later? Their relationship hasn’t progress in the slightest in 3 yrs? They still talk etc?
I also wish that Garrett would give reasons why this is a bad idea. Right now, he’s only insulting it without pushing back.
I am not so sure of the phrasing “in an abrupt manner”. It reads awkward and I don’t think I have a good view in my head on how this actually looks like.
I think this description is kinda too much “a pleasant blend of two very old love songs to make a newer but now also old song with a slightly baroque but inviting vibe“ too many buts =D
I do like that he kinda does reflect on this “footnote in history” thing Charlie told him. Indirectly =D
The plothole of Garrett and Charlie being roommates before Garrett gets his fancy promotion is something I have worried about already, but I'm glad I am not alone in this worrying now. I have to give some reasoning for that in an earlier chapter. There could also be some elaboration on why they are still talking at all.
Garrett kind of has a gut instinct that something is wrong with it, but I should portray that better. Perhaps he could have been privy to Charlie's lazy approach to safety while developing this technology, and shortcuts taken.
Probably unnecessary to impress that a song is "now also old" when it's a real song and this takes place in the future, yeah. That sentence is easy to fix, unlike the other problems you pointed out hahaha
Thank you so much!
Couldn't Garrett just get a random message from Charlie after not talking to him for a few years (ever since they arent room mates anymore) and be like "alright, let's meet up and see what he wants"? For that you might need a different lead in, some new normal world stuff for Garrett?
Maybe so. Also, it seems I have misled you! Sleezy is an alternative spelling of sleazy, though sleazy is MUCH more common.